Big Girls Don't Cry

In lue of new beginnings

2009-01-10T00:29:00.000-08:00

I wish I could say that all the things I have wanted to accomplish I have overcame, but that statement is infact untrue. I stand (rather sit) here and wish I could tell you that I felt as though I was a changed person and that everything bad in my life had left me long ago. The preceeding statement then would also be untrue.

Is my life better? sure I suppose it is. I find that many times we don't realize how good something truly is in the moment that it is happening, but rather it is later down the line when it is too late to recapture it that we realize the significance of that moment.

Sometimes I feel as though I am strong and that my trunk is so thick that no amount of harm could blow me down, and sometimes I feel as though I am just a branch and just a little wind could knock me down. I want to be the tall strong tree, the one that is unbreakable. I am too scared too often to be this person, I do not have the support system I previously had and that makes me feel even weaker.

Change scares me, like most I am stuck in my ways and I truly believe that my way is the right way and though it may seem wrong I am the norm in my thinking.

In lue of the holidays...

2008-12-16T03:36:00.001-08:00

So in lue of the holidays this year I am going to write a few things that I am thankful for:

Having Brandon in my life again.

My new nephew Jack Thomas

My family and how close we have become in the past year

My job, though frustrating at times.

The experiences I have had in the last year (specifically my time spent with Fran which in a later post I will update you on)

Xia (my cat, who truly is my baby)

Having Dan (even though at times we are shaky)

Baby you don't have to call me

2008-12-11T03:33:00.000-08:00

As I sit here, I let myself wonder at what point it will truly ever be enough? At what point will I let go enough and decide that things with him just aren't worth it anymore? When will I decide that I am so much better than this, that I deserve everything that life can give me, and that life can give me so much better than him? I wish that I knew, god do I. She's pushing a wedge between us again and truthfully I have no idea what to even do anymore. I'm scared because honestly I know I am going to lose him its just a matter of time now. I am scared because I do not know what the hell to do anymore.

I am scared that without him I am going to be lost again, that I am not going to know what it is exactly that I need to do. I don't know how to move on, obviously if I did I would have left him a long time ago the first time that this happened.

Why can't I be enough for him? I don't honestly think I am ever going to be enough and I don't know what exactly I am going to do. I just know that I am scared, very very very scared. I am lost in this world and if only I knew what it is that I need to do, then maybe life will make sense again.

White Horse

2008-10-21T19:57:00.000-07:00

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
As I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on The days drag on Stupid girl,
I should have known, I should have known

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

Baby I was naive,
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
Now I know

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

And there you are on your knees,
Begging for forgiveness,
begging for me
Just like I always wanted
but I'm sooo sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse,
to catch me now

Let me let go baby...

2008-09-08T21:44:00.000-07:00

Let me let go baby, Let me let go.

2008-09-07T20:42:00.001-07:00

FUCK YOU.

A little overdue...

2008-09-07T17:53:00.001-07:00

So this post may be a little overdue but in lue of writing it I am excited/irked.

It has been one year one month and 8 eight days since my attempted suicide. Facts say that 65% of teenagers who attempy suicide will attempt in within one year after their first attempt, I am not one of those 65%.

Today yes, I do feel stronger. Has my life changed? Yes at least in some ways. I still have ups and I still have downs, but it has been a matter of how I have learned how to handle my downs.

Dan was what I thought was my rebound guy, but he is still a constant in my life, which is very good. Brandon is now back in my life, but as a friend now. I didn't honestly think we could ever get to that point, but I am so glad we did.

How long?

2008-08-16T18:06:00.001-07:00

How long will it take for me to gain enough self respect to let go?

Yeah, I wish I knew the answer too.

Long Gone

2008-08-06T20:32:00.000-07:00

It’s so like you just to show up at my door
And act like nothin’s happened
You think I’ll sweep my heart up off the floor
And give it to you
Like so many times before
You’re talking to a stranger
I’m not that girl anymore

That girl is long gone
Boy you missed the boat it just sailed away
Long gone
She’s not drowning in her yesterdays
Betcha never thought I’d be that strong
Well this girl is long gone

Don’t waste your breath with baby baby please
Cuz I am so not listening
Don’t bother getting down upon your knees and try to beg me
I’m tired of how you twist the truth
You’re not talking to the same girl
Who used to forgive you

Gone like the wind under Superman’s cape
Like a thief in the night I made the great escape
I’m not the kind of girl that keeps making the same mistakes

Things that make me smile lately...

2008-08-05T22:42:00.001-07:00

Having Brandon back in my life, even if it is only as friends :)

Blaring loud music in the car

Dancing

Smoking Hookah

Bob's Boathouse :)

Sleeping in

I can't go there

2008-08-03T19:35:00.001-07:00

I want to be ok...but how?

2008-07-27T21:34:00.000-07:00

Never in my life have I wanted to hit someone like I do at this very moment in time!

2008-07-26T09:40:00.000-07:00

Complicated words slippin off of your tongue and ain't one of them the truth...I'm still desperate for you.

Ugh...I take back my stance on being really really good, I'm just really really tired today and sick of fucking drama, thats for sure!

Lessons Learned

2008-07-25T19:09:00.000-07:00

I am feeling extremly strong right now so here in this moment I will state to you my new goals:

Moving On, I will find someone who can treat me right

Going back to school in September

Finding a new job where I am happy

Getting my liscense

Paying off the rest of my debt

Moving Out

I haven't really set a date or anything for these goals, but I'm going to do them come hell or high water. I feel incredible today :) So yay for me!

Live with Lonesome

2008-07-23T18:45:00.000-07:00

So as things wrap up with me and dan this is a new guy in the mix...his name is Jeff. He is a little older than me, well he's 32, but he's a really nice guy, and I think that it might be just what I'm looking for. So for now I feel good :)

2008-07-23T12:48:00.001-07:00

Ugh, when will enough be enough?

In closing

2008-07-18T20:07:00.000-07:00

Dan,

For me writing this letter, its hard and it hurts. I want to start by saying how much I love you, that in the future if you ever do need anything, I will do my best to help you in whatever it is. I will try my best to do whatever I can to help you in whatever situation it may be, of course depending on the circumstances.

I am a strong woman, and until I met you I would have never let a man do the things you have done to me. The lying, the cheating, none of it, I would have pushed him out the door the moment it happened. With you, I couldn't, I was too captivated, I let myself fall too far too fast for you.

I don't know what these girls have that I don't, and frankly I don't care. I am a good person, and I have done a lot for you, I have given you everything, even when I truly had nothing left to give, I always found some way to do what you needed.

When I gave you my heart, I asked you to be careful with it, because it had been broken, so many times before. You agreed to be careful with my fragilness, you agreed to never hurt me. Those were your exact words, "I will never hurt you". Now I stand here, staring at the pieces scattered on the floor wondering how and where to start to begin to piece them back together again.

You have to chose Dan, its me or her. I can't go through this. I have enough going on in my life outside of our relationship. I deserve someone who can cherish me, if you are unable to do that, then I think we should end this now. I know that you are still going out with her, that you took her on a date Saturday night, and like I said before, an open relationship does not mean you can have other relationships with girls. If you randomly screwed her at some party it would be one thing, but this is entirely different.

Don knows I am writing this letter, and it is dependent on whether or not you will return to work. If somehow in the next week and a half we can fix this, really fix this, then you are welcome to return, if not, then your spot will be filled. Kyle is on stand by already, just in case something does happen.

If this does not work, and we do go our seperate ways I want you to know a few things, I wish the best for you. I hope that you do find true happiness in life, I hope that you live your life to everything I know you can be. If somewhere down the road we do meet again, maybe we'll be ready then, and if so then I look forward to that moment. Don has said that if in the future we are able to fix things, really fix them you may then return to work, but he makes no promises about what job it is that will be waiting.

So I guess maybe you have some thinking to do, maybe you have some things that you need to really consider and analize, either way I wish you luck. I love you.

What you left behind

2008-07-18T19:44:00.001-07:00

I don't understand...I just I don't know what to do anymore.

Why is it that I will never be enough? Why is it that no matter how much love I give, he can't give any back?

Why does he string me along like this, and better yet why do I let myself be strung?

Why can't I just let him go, move on, close my heart off to him?

Wby do I let myself shed tears over him?

Why don't I learn how to stand up for myself?

Why can't I just be strong and push him out of my life all together?

Why do I let myself settle?

Why is it so hard to love me?

Another day gone by with broke dreams

2008-07-16T15:58:00.000-07:00

Where to begin?

Well I would like to start off by saying I'm strong, I'm levelheaded, and all in all I like to think that I am a good person. I get up every morning get the things that need to get done in life done. I try and push myself forward, even though right now the only thing that seems to make sense is to sleep the rest of my life away, to let myself drown in my sorrow and misery.

I love him, and I want things to be good, but I however truly believe we have reached the breaking point in our relationship, that things from this point on will never get better. I want life to make sense again, I want to move forward, but I can't.

Recently, the one year anniversary of my attempted suicide pasted, and I wonder to myself if things truly are any better now than they were then?

When they shine

2008-06-13T15:24:00.000-07:00

So this post may be kind of long...I'm apologizing now for that and also for the fact that I have a tendency to ramble about nothings.

So things that are new? Well Larry has been gone now for four months, and yes they have been four VERY long months. I don't remember if I posted earlier on about how he has been visiting me lately, but he has and it has been frequent, dare I say that it really irks me?

The wise old man told me once that life will never make since, not until the end. I dare say that he is right about this for sure. Things with Dan are continually weirder and weirder everyday.

I heard "Tim McGraw" by Taylor Swift which makes my mind always wander back to Brandon...hmmmm

Vanna is due in October...ITS A BOY! and I'm pretty damn excited!

Bring me down

2008-06-06T18:32:00.000-07:00

SO yes I realize that I just posted but I don't feel as though I expressed my thoughts enough if this post makes no sense its because its just a rambled bit of my current thoughts.

I don't understand why, why it is so hard for you to love me, why is it that you can be with other girls and still come back to me?

Why can't you just love me for me? For the person that I am.

I love you so deeply that I fear my life without you in it, why is it that you can drop me, so fast?

I know your with her tonight, and yet I pretend as though I don't I pretend that everything is just fine.

Another day gone by with broken dreams.

Sometimes I feel as though no matter how fast I run, I will never escape you, why is that?

She loves you and you need but there are some things we can't share.

I want to find somewhere I can ease my mind, try to heal my wounded pride.

Leave the Pieces When you Go...

2008-06-06T18:03:00.000-07:00

I write this tonight, not completly positive as to where I stand. At this moment in time I'm not exactly sure how I feel or if I even have the right to feel this way. I am in my dark place right now, and its hard to see clearly still.

In my hour of need, of despartion I look around and I'm not sure where to turn or where I'm supposed to go. I'm not sure where to look or what hand I should be grabbing.
I don't know where to go in my hour of darkness or who to let hold onto me.

I'm not sure that really I should be surprised but for some reason I let myself be. I let this fear of him overwhelm me, I let it consume every inch of my being.

because I'm so stupid but being without him in my life is unbearable im so miserable without him I know he's cheating I KNOW and I won't let myself say anything because I don't want to lose him.

If we're gonna make this work...

2008-05-28T23:10:00.000-07:00

Why is it, that we wait so long for something, doing whatever it takes for us to get it. and then once we have it we realize that the chase is better than the prize?

Why is it that no matter how hard you try, not matter how hard you give, you can't make someone give back to you?

Why is it that I need him, more than he will ever need me?

Why is it that he can't want me, not that way I want him to?

Why is it that I will cry tears for him, and he will never even be shaken by losing me?

I don't understand anymore. I have given so much, sometimes more than I have to give, and in return he can't give an ounce of himself back to me? I don't doubt that he loves me, but sometimes I doubt his intentions and most of the time I doubt that he even wants to be in the same room with me.

Love, at first is exciting. There are butterflies, and you are nervous and every touch has sparks, and every kiss has fireworks, sex is awkward still, and you laugh together still. As time goes on you start to get comfortable, and those feelings start to fade, you don't touch as often, kisses are fewer and farther between, and affection fades.

Why is it that he can't love me the way that I love him? That wise old man told me once never to settle, no matter how much you love someone. Now I question myself, am I settling because I'm in love with him?

I have never questioned his relationship with her, though I know it has ended (good ole' myspace can tell me that) but I don't know why, or what happened or what made him come back to me. I don't know the things that he feels, mostly because he won't share those feelings with me.

Tonight, when he brought me home I felt as though something was ending, though really I know soon he will call and we will talk late into the night. I will pretend the fact that he never touches me anymore doesn't bother me and we will go on with our lives.

I'm afraid to be without him. I don't question my love for him because I know that my love is true and it is pure and it is hopeful. I can't change him and I know that, but I don't understand where this is all going, why am I doing this to myself when I know truly in reality I am the one who will be hurt again.

The weight of the world on my shoulders and I write this, wondering where I am going with my life, and what I am accomplishing because especially lately I feel as though I am going nowhere. I wonder why I have to deal with all the bull and why I can't just let him go, and I wonder why, why can't he just love me? For me.

Fall in love with Jack Daniels again...

2008-05-23T20:23:00.000-07:00

So since I have last wrote life has been, well its been a little crazy...

Dan and I broke up because, well because he doesn't know what a monogamous relationship is.

My place of work laid of 90 people, considering our company only consists of 105 people, it was a pretty huge layoff

My cat...oh where to start? well really I'm not sure what is wrong with her, but her fur is falling off, literally, in chunks. You can see her jaw bone.

Dan and I are back together after a 3 week seperation...How are things with us?? Ehhh about how they've always been so who knows whats going to happen, Though truly I do love him.

Rain on the window makes me lonely
Time keeps on passing so slowly
The old man sittin' next to me is fallin' asleep
On a Greyhound Bound For Nowhere

The sun's going down on my misery
Another day gone by with broken dreams
That cell phone I hear ringing, I keep wishing it was you
On a Greyhound Bound For Nowhere

That ring that you were wearing don't mean everything
The way that you stood starin' as you watched me roll away
She loves you and you need me and there some things we can't share
I'm on a Greyhound bound for nowhere

Bright lights of a city shining up ahead
My hearts analyzing everything you said
Did you take me for a fool or did you really care
I'm on a Greyhound bound for nowhere

Greyhound bound for nowhere

2008-05-03T10:40:00.000-07:00

I write this letter to you, because I miss you and living my life without you, though it has only been a week has been unbearable.

Dan,

I gave you my life, I gave you my heart, the one that you promised so openly to protect. I warned you how it had been broken, that giving it back to you would be harder for me than anything I had ever done. You promised me that you would never let it drop, that you would hold it tight and cherish it. Now I stand here staring at the scattered pieces you left wondering where to begin. I don't know that truly its worth piecing together again, because if loving you only makes me feel this miserable how can it be right? I don't know how to start over, I don't want to start over, I just want to be lost in the arms that for the past 8 months have held me so close. I didn't make this mess on my own, but I am the only one standing here with a broom. I don't know why you felt the need to hurt me so much, in this way. I don't know what she has that I don't, or what she gives you that I so appearantly never could. I loved you, I still do really I just don't know how to move on from you or even how to move on. I have been so strong this week with that little bit of hope that you'd come back to me, but your silence has made it clear that your not. Daniel Patrick I love you and I wish the best for you, I hope that your not left here the way I am in tears and unable to eat, sleep, and barely breath.

2008-03-11T19:31:00.000-07:00

I took an accidental stroll down memory lane today...and it wasn't one of those happy ones. Usually in January...I take the time to recap the year, to go through everything that happened, this year I neglected that and don't honestly feel compelled to recap this...in lue of new beginnings.

When we meet again...

2008-02-06T18:45:00.000-08:00

I do believe that, I believe that one day we will meet again, in a better place I suppose. I want you to know that we love you, that we miss you, that we would have supported you had you told us how down you really were. You were the closest thing I ever had to a dad, I've known you for 12 yrs and its so hard to believe that your gone. I was with you on Sat. we talked, we laughed, you drank, and then we left. I was expecting to get that phone call Sunday morning, not just 7 short hrs after I had left, how in such a short time could you go from being happy to deciding that your life just wasn't worth it anymore? I don't understand...

I love you, and I miss you.
Goodbye Larry.

Cassie

If I gave you my heart

2008-01-16T12:09:00.000-08:00

There are some things we can't change, and there are some things that if we try to change have the potential to really screw up our lives. When you love someone, you accept them for who they are, flaws included. Though it may not be the easiest thing, its what we must do. I have spent a lot of time realizing things that drive me crazy about Dan, but the things that make me love him far out weigh the ones that annoy me.

I know that I too have flaws, I am not a perfect person, far from it actually, very far from it. but I can accept that, and I can live with it. I know that I too drive him absolutly crazy at times, like my trust issues, or my need to be held at night until I fall asleep, the way because of how I have been hurt when upset I push him away, that I refuse to let him see my face while I cry. but he still loves me, so if he can look past all those things, I too can look past his flaws.

There are too many good things about him:
The way he wraps both his arms around me when he holds me
When he's playful (which is often)
The way he blows raspberries instead of kissing me (though I will continue to pretend I hate it)
The way he tickles me
The way he puts me first
The way his hand feels on mine
The way he pretends to hate cuddling but often times he's the one who instigates it
The way I feel absolutly safe with him

What you can't change

2007-12-28T12:01:00.000-08:00

So this post is in reference to some of the things that have really bothered me lately, me venting perhaps?

Dan I have become very close in the past few weeks, never in my life have I felt closer to him, and I think though I once said I will never love more than I loved Brandon, I think I have surpassed that feeling.

Some things that have really been bothering me:
I'm Dan's first serious relationship, so there is a lot for him to learn
Dan's really not a touchy feely kinda person, I however need touch (his parents only touch in the bedroom behind closed doors)
He's not a very great communicator
He definetly needs help sharing his feelings
He hardly ever says I love you, and though I know he does I need to hear it

Regaurdless of all the above, I love him whole heartedly time will only tell I guess.

2007-12-25T23:56:00.001-08:00

So due to all the christmas mayhem, my posts that I have started lately haven't made it to the publish stage. For that I truly am sorry, things have just been SO crazy on this end, but I do have some good news, after today I am off for two days, which (hopefully) will give me plenty of time to update you on my latest affairs. til then...

Hmmm

2007-12-12T23:49:00.000-08:00

Dan asked me to marry him tonight...yeah things just keep getting weirder and weirder

We took a chance

2007-12-12T16:06:00.000-08:00

So I know that I've negelected to write anything purposeful lately, for that I am sorry. Things in life haven't exactly been fair lately, nor have they been exactly what I would call easy, though they have been worse.

So where to start? Well lets start with Dan, we are currently working on our relationship, which is going ok, though there still is definetly an elephant in the room. I don't know how long it will take us to get past that, or really if ever we will.

My mom and I are also working on our relationship, which well we'll just say definetly has its up and downs. Today? Well today it has been down, that parts for sure. Things aren't always easy between us and right now our problems seem to be prominant than anything else, I just wish we could move past it all, and while I can forgive, I'm not sure that I can ever forget.

Work, work has been nuts. I can't wait until the holidays are over, this year they seem to be dragging on forever and I don't really know how much longer I have the energy to do this for. I called in today, merely for the fact that I haven't slept in days and I've stayed late every day for the past 3 weeks, its exhausting at times, most of the time really.

Things on the home front? Ehhhh at the moment they are very sketchy and I'm not sure exactly how much longer I can live like this, I love my uncle and I love my aunt and they are more like parents to me than my mother, but maybe her leaving isn't really such a bad idea, maybe then I could stop crying.

I just don't know at times, I'm not as strong as people think I am, and while I put on a good front, tears still escape at times that I'm not rather proud of. Today for example, and I'm not big on crying in front of people, but I let it go in front of Dan tonight.

But the wheels will turn on the road ahead, if it hurts at all, I haven't really showed it yet, so stop looking for that slight sign that I'm gonna miss what I left behind, I'd settle too.

The weather outside is frightful...

2007-12-07T23:16:00.000-08:00

ITS SNOWING!!! Ohhhh snow...how I've missed you so!

2007-11-29T00:07:00.000-08:00

The smell of coconut is permantly embedded in my pillow

2007-11-27T14:39:00.001-08:00

For the record...I HATE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS!!!! at least in my room

and also...I HATE THE SMELL OF COCONUT! DO NOT PUT AIR FRESHNERS IN MY PILLOW CASE

You might not know it

2007-11-24T23:52:00.000-08:00

The friday after Thanksgiving is the biggest shopping day of the year. In retail we refer to it as "Black Friday" it is a day that we definetly don't look forward to and that we try to request off months in advance, though very few of us are lucky enough to actually get it off. Not a single employee at my store got it off.

We opened at 6a.m. though when I arrived at 4a.m. that morning the line outside had already started building. By the time we actually opened the line had over 1,000 people in it, I was lucky enough to be one of the people standing just inside the door as people came flying through, running to get to what they wanted.

I worked an extremely long shift with those crazy ass people, who at all times of the day were still running through the store. Our hot items were about before 9a.m. I gave away the last Wii to a lady in tears. A good time was had by all, though they bought us food by the time I actually tore away from Electronics it was ice cold, the salad was warm and there was no pop left, lucky me. Yesterdays truck was ginormous, and this mornings will be the same. and...here's the clencher, I get off at 12:30 and I have to be back there at midnight for double trucks...yippee.

Later I suppose

2007-11-23T23:28:00.001-08:00

I promise to write more tonight our sale at work is a 2 day sale so today is black saturday if you will...

2007-11-23T08:36:00.001-08:00

Its black friday, I just worked a 14 hr shift and I am exhausted...more in the morning, I promise.

2007-11-22T14:30:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

My hands and knees are bruised

2007-11-20T23:43:00.000-08:00

Ugh...thats about how I feel right now. Just ugh!

The silence takes over the room

2007-11-20T20:03:00.000-08:00

She calls him, no answer, she thinks its strange but tries not to think about it so much. She hops on the computer, checks her email, her facebook, edits some blog stuff, plays on myspace for awhile. Decides to leave him a cute message on his myspace.

She clicks on his page, as she scrolls down she notices someone new in his number one spot. Someone named Jessie, scrolls down and reads his latest comments, which reads: I had a good time talking to you too last night, I put you in my top friends.

Decides to click on said girls page and reads her boyfriends comment to the girl: You are a sweet girl, I really liked talking to you last night, hope we can do it again soon. Looking forward to this weekend.

Now she's intrigued, she sends said girl a message, tries to call her M.I.A. boyfriend, no answer still hmmmm?

Well unfortunatly the message she recieved back wasn't quite what she hoped for, neither was her pathetic boyfriends excuse to get out of it.

When he tried to flip it around on how she works too much (excuse me, one of us has to, we are having a baby) she gave up. Now she is single, at 19 with a baby on the way.

And she cries, harder than she thought she could have for him, maybe its that she's scared now?Maybe its that just last night they had the please don't hurt me convo?

Yeah it was a great day.

I just love you too (2)

2007-11-19T16:44:00.001-08:00

I do love him, but the fact that he has been cheating on me pretty much says enough huh?

I could write a whole lot on here but the wounds are too fresh and I'm not ready to let them bleed right now, so tomorrow? tomorrow I will post and will tell all, that I can promise.

I promised

2007-11-19T00:09:00.000-08:00

I promised myself I wouldn't let this bother me anymore, but then again I can't exactly control my dreams. I can't take Brandon out of them, I can't make him go away, at least not in that way.

I fought for sleep last night, with my insane work schedule lately I haven't been getting much sleep, not at all. I was lucky enough to fall asleep before 9 last night which would have given me a good 6 hrs, though if I had only known I would have just stayed awake.

This time it was spring, and it was right after we had gotten married ( we would have gotten married May 3rd 2008 ) and I'm not sure if we were on our honeymoon or where we were but we were in a room I didn't recongnize and it definetly looked like a hotel room.

See as much as Dan is able to make me feel safe, he doesn't touch the way Brandon was able to make me feel. We lay together, I on his chest and he held me. I let the tears fall from my eyes and he didn't even try to wipe them away. He just let them come, and he held me in my most vulnerable state.

I woke up to a very tear stained pillow, it was soaked through and unlike before I was still crying, it took me awhile to calm down, which just scared me more. I felt as though an elephant was sitting on my chest this morning and I couldn't breath.

SO my question: How long will take? before I can really let it all go? before my life can go back to being 100% normal?

Snow

2007-11-18T02:25:00.000-08:00

I can smell it in the air today, I can feel the slight chill in the air and freshness of it all. It's coming late this year, but still its coming.

I can feel the ache in my toes, I can hear the songs in my head and I feel the warmth that it brings to me.

Something about this time of year is magical, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but it captivates me. It makes me want to do silly things, things I haven't done since I was a kid (or so I will let you believe) Like make a snowman, make snow angels, going sledding, and the annual snow walk.

See the annual snow walk; well it consists of walking at midnight, with starbucks, and eating doughnuts with almost lover and letting the magic captivate every inch of your body. This year I will be walking alone, that is unless Dan decides he wants to walk with me, or maybe Vanna, we'll see.

I just love you

2007-11-17T00:05:00.000-08:00

The more I try to tell myself that I'm not really falling in love with Dan the harder I feel myself start to fall for him. I try to put it in my head that I'm moving too fast, though its been 5 months, god has it really been that long? But the truth? I just love him. This is the song he sang to me on my voicemail the other day :)

Lonely, yeah that's the word
I leave my heart when I leave her
The days go on forever and the nights do too

One evening out on the road
A half a world away from home
I thought she was sleeping
When the call came through

I said, Darling, it's late, is everything ok
Silence took over the room
Til she said

I... I just Love You
I Don't Know Why, I Just Do
When are you coming home
I'm coming home soon
And I just love you too

Lonely lets me be
For a while she sets me free
I close my eyes and I dream of her

She's lost in my arms
Her head on my heart
And softly she whispers the words

I...I just Love You
I Don't Know Why, I Just Do
When are you coming home
I'm coming home soon
And I just love you too

I'll never stop being amazed
How my 4-year old girl knows exactly what to say

I, I just Love You
I Don't Know Why, I Just Do
When are you coming home
I'm coming home soon
Cause I just love you too

Ugh...

2007-11-15T23:48:00.000-08:00

I don't want to go back to work today, its payday and I have no desire to go back. I'm still exhausted. I didn't really get much sleep on my day off unfortunatly. I definetly could have used at least 5 more hrs sleep, I didn't even sleep in and then last night I got a mere 3 hrs, ugh. Unfortunatly in the real world they don't care too much about how much sleep I was able to get. They don't even care if I work 60 hrs and 6 days (which currently is what I'm doin) guess really I can't complain though the overtime is really nice.

On to more happier things...

2007-11-15T12:35:00.000-08:00

Life is pretty good for the most part, the holiday season is in full swing. Working 6 days and still going strong, today is my one day off :) . So far? Work hasn't been too bad, though I seem to have more patience lately than I would usually have, which may be helping the situation. Once that wears off though, well we'll see how the situation progresses.

Dan I are doing pretty good, nothing too exciting lately. We haven't had sex in about two weeks, no because we're in a rut, just haven't really had the oppurtunity lately. Living at home definetly has its downfalls at times, a lot of times.

I'm still sick, I don't really know what's wrong with me. Instead of getting better I seem to just be getting worse, symptoms progressing and even new ones appearing, strange? I thought so.

Things that make me happy:

Starbucks :) having one in my store is starting to be a costly habit
Sleeping tonight, finally REALLY sleeping more than 4 hrs
Working Midnights, I really don't hate them, they're not so bad
Daniel Patrick, and his little surprises lately
The new Rascal Flatts CD
Finally having the same day off as Vanna so we can see each other
Ihop pumpkin pancakes
Getting hit on at the Olive Garden, I haven't been feeling especially pretty lately
The song "I just love you" by five for fighting, Dan sang it to me the other day
Football season almost being over (I love that he coaches but I'd like to see him too) playoffs almost are finally over
Leaving work at 9am and going to his house and crawling into bed with him
Watching him coach, those kids love him, better yet he loves those kids.

Illinois

2007-11-14T03:10:00.000-08:00

The rest of sophomore year passed by slowly, uneventful, and truthfully I was glad to see it come to an end. My plans for the summer were to go to Illinois and work in my grandfather’s office for the summer. It was the first thing that I was excited for in a long time, working in a doctors office? I knew I wanted to be a nurse and what better way to start off my career? Even if I was just a secretary.
I left July 1st and I waited anxiously for the day to come, I just wanted to get out of Livonia for the summer. My time in Illinois was short lived, my first day on the job I not only broke, but shattered my ankle. I had been standing on a chair trying to reach a file, I fell off the chair. At the ER I was so scared I knew something wasn’t right, my ankle had swollen to more than three times its normal size. They told me I would have to have surgery, they were going to put pins in my ankle.
I would spend the night waiting anxiously for my mom to fly in from Michigan, praying that it was all just a dream Doped up on Morphine the time seemed to pass ever so slowly, knowing that the next morning I was going into surgery.
I awoke the next morning very early, long before my surgery was scheduled. Sleeping was nearly impossible due to the amount of pain I was in, so I lay awake hours before my surgery trying to figure out why this was happening. Trying to understand why god has put so much pain into my life. Why he had chosen me to undergo so much in my life.

*My surgert ended up being two different surgeries, leaving me forever with a very large scar and an ankle that doesn't move. I spent almost 2 full yrs in a wheelchair.

Alan

2007-11-13T15:11:00.000-08:00

I met some new friends, Alan being on of the funniest people that I have yet to meet. He would follow me around, sit behind me in classes and do things to make me laugh. I think he knew I was the new kid and was just trying to make it a little bit easier on me, I’m sure he knew that being new to Stevenson was pretty unbearable.
We started to develop a friendship, one of the first people that seemed to really want to stick by me. I had put a wall up since Renee and Kaber, I was afraid of getting hurt again. Alan seemed to be able to break that wall down, we started spending more time together, and soon I came to consider him one of my close friends.

In February Alan Wells hung himself in his garage. This for me was the last and final stage of my depression, getting up in the morning was nearly impossible now. My motivation lacked immensely, I didn’t see a point in living anymore. If everyone that I was close to was leaving me, then why was I bothering to stick around?

Renee and Kaber

2007-11-12T23:51:00.000-08:00

I would soon meet Renee, who was also new to Stevenson; our hate for the school gave us an instant bond. Saying she was different would be an understatement, her bi-sexuality, drug problem, and bad smoking habit set her aside from most of the kids at Stevenson. She however, was exactly what I was looking for. I needed someone not to judge me, but to just accept me for who I was.
As time went on we seemed to be getting closer and closer, it was exciting, I felt like I was finally connecting with someone. She lived down the street from me, so we were able to see each other quite often. She reminded me of myself, we both had been through similar situations.

She introduced me to Alex Kaber, who I ended up having classes with. Kaber made being at Stevenson just a little bit easier. His humor got me through most days, making me laugh enough to forget how horrible this place was. A few months later I would lose touch with Renee, who was too busy with her drug problem to have a life anymore. Kaber would also follow her, leaving me with just Ian again.

*Kaber died last year from a heroin overdose.

Stevenson

2007-11-12T11:19:00.000-08:00

Now thesse are excerpts from something written awhile ago but they are my story and maybe it will help with our exploration of what got me to this point.

It was September, the leaves were orange and red and they were gracefully falling to their final resting place. I watched them as I walked thinking about how September seems to signify a time of change. My stomach was queasy; the walk seemed to go on for miles, when in reality it was just one short block.
I light a cigarette, hoping to alleviate some of the stress. I could see the kids standing there, chatting anxiously about their summers, the vacations they had taken, the late nights, the parties they had been to. They stare at me, like I’m some evil alien invading their planet. I put out my cigarette, look at the ground begging it to suck me in. I stood there silently, hoping that one of them would notice me, even just a “hey! Who are you?” would have been nice, but they didn’t, instead they just continued their conversations.
The bus ride was short, a mere 3 miles, but it seemed to take forever. I sat in an empty seat in the front, hoping really that no one would sit next to me. I had no such luck, a boy who I would later learn is named Bronce, sat down next to me. He tried to make small talk but I mostly ignored him. I hated him for talking to me; I just wanted to endure my misery alone.
Being the new kid is tough, there’s no way around it, but moving from Redford to Livonia, made it even harder. In Redford I had been the equal (a 50% black to a 50% white ratio), now here I was, in the whitest city in America. I had dreaded this day all summer long, I had moved one mile and had to change schools. I didn’t think it was fair, I hated god for doing this to me, I wanted to die, hide under a rock, just anything to not have to do this.
I was told to go to the counseling office when I got to school, they would assign me a “mentor” to help me through my first week at Stevenson. As I walked through the halls, I could feel them staring at me, somehow they knew I was different, they knew I would never conform to their ways, I would never let the drama suck me in.
I hated Stevenson; the people were so different compared to where I had come from. It wasn’t just the way they dressed, or the way they talked, but it was their whole attitude, like they were somehow superior to the rest of the world. They were quick to judge and they were malicious.
I still had Ian though, and in my mind that was enough to get me through anything. We had grown up together, he started off as my best friend from the age of 7 and slowly as the years went on our relationship developed into something much more substantial. We went from best friends to lovers; it wasn’t an overnight change but something that happened gradually. The more time we spent together the closer we seemed to become.
He had gone to Churchill, a school in the same district as Stevenson, and though he was three years older than me, it never felt it. I would come home from school and he would hold me as I cried for hours, comforting me, encouraging me, and most of all loving me. At times he was all I needed, all I was living for, days we spent apart were few and agonizing.
He was my first love, the one that I didn’t know how to live without. Anything and everything I did was about him or for him, even if not directly connected.
My mentor’s name was Amanda, and without out her I don’t think I would have made it through my first few months at Stevenson. Her job was to make sure I got to all of my classes the first week of school, show me around, help me make some friends, maybe eat lunch with me. We had one class together; Choir. She soon become a friend, she wasn’t like the rest of the kids at Stevenson.
We went to concerts together, hung out on weekends, had girls night and painted our toenails. She took me under her wing and helped me learn how to fly on my own at Stevenson.
Second semester she dropped Choir, we slowly started to drift apart. We no longer had anything in common, we no longer had a class together, she had a different lunch period. I was slowly slipping into a depression again. I remember going home to Ian, crying telling him I didn’t know how I was ever going to make it. My life seemed so worthless at this point, I was losing my grip on reality, I was so overwhelmed.

*A side note, Bronce and I later became very close friends, though it was almost 3 yrs later.

I declare a toast

2007-11-10T23:29:00.000-08:00

~To late night phone calls, specifically 3 am

~To dancing in the middle of the night outside blaring "Dancing in the Moonlight"

~To eating ice cream right out of the container~

To that feeling that only looking into your puppies eyes you can see~

To that feeling you get when you hear a song that brings back those deep down hard to reach memories

~To falling asleep with no worries underneath a big fluffy soft comforter

~To those moments of clarity in life that keep you moving on

Nothin good about goodbye

2007-11-10T23:24:00.000-08:00

It was November now, and I still vividly remember this dream; Ian was lost somehow and I could hear him calling, but no matter how hard I looked I couldn’t find him. The next day we were supposed to meet, he never showed up. I called him, his phone had been turned off, I went to his house, his parents having no idea where he was. Just like that he was gone, no calls, no letters, no nothing, he was just gone.
For three months I cried myself to sleep every night. I didn’t know how to go on without him; he had become so much a part of me that the thought of living without him in my life made it unbearable. I slowly slipped into depression, not knowing how to live my life without the one thing that I had loved. I lost trust in people, along with faith, I had made up my mind that I couldn’t trust anyone anymore, I was too afraid of being hurt again.

*Ian was in prision, which will be explained at a later date.

Freshman Year

2007-11-10T10:00:00.000-08:00

I lay on the floor, wishing for the room to stop spinning. I lay wondering if maybe this is the one time that I did too much, the one time that I took it too far. I tried to think back, tried to remember exactly how many pills I had taken, and what exactly I had taken. I wondered if smoking pot on top of taking the pills is what made me feel so sick, or if maybe it was the coke, or even quite possibly the alcohol?
I could feel my heart racing in my chest, wondering if it was really possible for my chest to explode. I wondered if getting high could really kill me. I tried to reach for the garbage can, I knew what was coming; I could taste its sweet saltiness in my mouth. I stretch out my arm as far as I can, wondering where it could possibly be; maybe someone else was using it.
I try to roll over on my side, I know the risk of lying on my back, and I could die from choking on my own vomit. I try to call for help; my mouth can’t seem to remember how to form words. My mind is racing frantically as I try to will myself to roll over.
Eventually I give up, accepting my fate. I know that I am going to die, lying here on this floor, where am I again? I can’t remember where I am, or even who is here with me, I wonder if maybe I’m alone. I must be alone; if someone else were here they would have come to help me by now.

The sun is shining brightly through the window; I try to open my eyes, but the light makes them burn. I look around trying to figure out where I am. I don’t recognize anything, I don’t remember much from the night before. I’m in someone’s bed and there is a guy lying next to me. I will my mind to try and just remember what happened; I just draw a blank.
I look around to see if anyone else is here, there’s no one in the room with us. Realizing that I have to pee, I go in search for the bathroom. Walking down the hallway I realize that I have never been here before, or if I have I simply can’t remember it.
There are people lying on the floor in the living room, a few on the couch, and one on the kitchen table. I try to think back to what exactly we did last night, but I can’t seem to remember anything at all. Finally finding the bathroom, I realize that there is someone asleep in the bathtub, and someone on the floor. Stepping over the person on the floor, I shut the shower curtain and go to the bathroom.
I look around, trying to find someone I know. I finally find Tina, who is sleeping on the kitchen floor. I nudge her, trying to wake her. She stares at me confused about what’s going on. I get her a glass of water and she sits up. “What happened last night?” I ask. She looks at me confusingly, “I don’t really remember Cass”.
“Do you know where we are?” I ask her frantically, “The only thing I remember is doing a line with you at your house before we even left”, I vaguely remember back to yesterday, we had done a line of coke in my basement and Ian had called and said he was going to pick us up. “You don’t remember anything after that?” “I remember going to Piercy’s to make a deal, but other than that I don’t know anything”.
“We need to find Ian, do you think he’s still here?” she asks, “I haven’t seen him, but there’s a ton of people here”. I help Tina get up off the floor; wondering how she ended up there. I know that really it doesn’t matter, I’m the one that woke up in bed with some strange guy. I pray that I wasn’t stupid enough to do anything with him, if Ian found out; he would kill him.
We walk down the hall, I want to show Tina the strange guy, we walk quietly into the bedroom. “Do you know who he is?” I whisper to Tina, she nods her head. “I think his name is Jon, he was a friend of Ian’s a long time ago”. I wonder why she said was, but too confused to think, we continue on our search for Ian.
Searching the bedrooms, the kitchen and living room we eventually find Ian passed out on the basement floor. I lay down next to him and put my arms around him, it was the first night we had spent apart in months. He opens his eyes and smiles at me, “I couldn’t find you last night, I looked all over for you”, “I feel asleep in one of the bedrooms on the floor” I reply. He rolls over on his side and kisses me.
“Are you ready to go?” he asks me gently, “Please, I just want to get out of here” I hear myself say. We drop Tina off at home, and go back to Ian’s to get some real sleep. “Do you remember what happened last night?” I ask him, knowing that he always remembers. He rolls over and looks in my eyes, “You don’t remember?” he asks me, “I don’t remember anything after leaving Piercy’s last night”.
“We called Corey and he told us Diamond’s having a party and we went over there”, confused I reply “we weren’t at Diamond’s house this morning though”. “We went to Diamond’s did a few lines, drank a little and then we headed over to Corey’s girlfriend’s house”. I realized then that was why I didn’t realize where we were this morning, Corey has a new girlfriend every other week, I obviously I hadn’t met this one.
“I hate not being able to remember things, it always scares me”, Ian cuddles up to me and holds me close. “Everything is fine baby, I would never let anything happen to you, you know that right?”, I wanted to believe him, but I knew last night had been a prime example of why I was scared. “I know you wouldn’t” I hear myself say, trying to disguise my doubt. “Are you ok?” he asks, “yeah just really really tired”.
I wake up a few hours later and glance at the clock, realizing that its 2 in the afternoon I wonder how long we’ve been sleeping. I know his mom will be home soon, which means that she will wonder where we were last night, and I knew I didn’t want to be the one explaining it to her.
I nudge Ian, “it’s almost 2, your mom will be home soon.” He moans something about 10 more minutes, and I nudge him harder. “What’s wrong baby?” he asks me as I start yelling at him, “nothing” I reply. “All morning you’ve been actin’ really weird, what’s goin’ on with you? Did you start or something?” Now annoyed with him, I roll over and face the wall, I know he knows there’s something up and I know my eyes will give me away.
Judas lives in my eyes, I swear to it. They’re traitors, they give me away, always, there’s no hiding. I’ve tried for years to be able to consume the power in them, to learn how to control they’re magical essence, but I can’t. One look at them and you will, you will know everything, they truly are the windows to my soul.
“Your mom’s gonna be home soon” I remind him, “she’s gonna wanna know where we were last night”. “I’m gonna tell her we stayed at Diamond’s” he answers. He cuddles up close to me, rubs my back, I know what he wants. “I’m gonna go take a shower before your mom gets home” I tell him, “Ok, I’ll come with you” knowing that he knows me all to well, refusing the invitation would set off a panic alarm in his head.
I grab two towels from the closet, start the water in the shower. Ian puts his arms around me, kissing the back of my neck. He slides his hands up my stomach and to my breasts, he turns me around. Now he’s kissing me, hard, He unsnaps my bra, takes off my shirt, I assist him in removing his clothes.
We move into the shower, the hot water feels soothing on my tired body. He’s kissing my breast now, moving his hand downward, now he’s kissing me again, his hands in secret places. We finish our shower, wrap ourselves in towels and move into the bedroom. He’s laying on top me now, I can feel his hardness against my thigh. “Make love to me” he whispers in my ear, I kiss him.
He slides his hardness inside of me, he moans with pleasure. He’s sliding in and out, gaining momentum. I know any moment it will be over, I try to enjoy it, not let my mind wonder back to the night before. He moans deeply, and its over.
I roll over on my side, lay under the covers. I close my eyes, let my mind wander back to the night before a little, if only I could remember what happened. My conscious is eating away at me, I have to know. I weigh the consequences in my mind, I know that if I tell him he’ll be upset, and I don’t want to hurt him. I hear the front door open.
I wrap myself tighter in the blanket and close my eyes, I know he’s going to lie to her and she’ll know if she looks at me. There’s a knock at the bedroom door, “you guys decent?” I hear her ask, “c’mon in Ma” I hear him reply. “Cass is still asleep? That’s not like her”, she knows I never sleep. “We were up really late last night” I hear Ian mumble, “Where were you last night?” “We just crashed at Diamonds, we drank a little” I hear him lie to her. “Well then I’m glad you stayed, you know how I feel about you drinking and driving”. She wasn’t lying, we’d had the lecture at least 5 different times.
I hear Ian’s lighter, and I know they’re sitting and smoking together. I roll over, pull the blanket against my breasts and open my eyes. “Well good morning” she says to me, I smile at her and ask her how work was. She goes on about some guy looking for some plant, and I tune her out. Ian lights a cigarette and hands it to me, he knows that his mom can talk forever. She asks me if I’m ok, says I seem a little bit distant, I remind her that we drank the night before and that I was just tired.
I know she see’s right through me, I know she can tell I’m lying and I prepare myself for the questions she’ll ask me later when we’re alone. I know that I could tell her anything, that she won’t judge me, or tell Ian, but that she’ll listen and try to understand. She was always like that though, she my mother was how, how we were barely even on a talking basis. She tried her best to do what she could to help me.
I wait for him to fall back asleep, uncovering myself I realize how cold it is. Hurriedly I find sweat pants and a hoodie, then go on a scavenger hunt for socks. I tiptoe around the bed and sneak out the door. I grab my cigarettes from my pocket and light one as I walk to the kitchen, I look around for Debbie. She’s in the kitchen, at the counter, where she always is.
“Hey girlie” she says to me, I smile at her sheepishly, and try not to look her in the eye. “What happened last night Cass?” she says as she looks at me avoiding her eye contact. “I don’t know mom, I don’t know what to do” and I can feel the sting in my eyes as the tears start to roll down my cheeks. “I woke up this morning and I was laying in someone else’s bed , with some guy I don’t know”. She looks at me across the counter and I can tell she’s trying to find the right words to say. She knows how sensitive I am, that the smallest thing can send me over the edge and I’ll start bawling.
“Well did you try and talk to him?” she finally asks me, “no, we left before he was awake” I tell her. “Are you going to tell Ian?” she asks, “You know how he is mom, you know how bad that would hurt him”, “He loves you Cass, he really loves you and your right it would hurt him, but don’t you think he should know?”, “What am I going to do mom? If I tell him it will crush him, but at the same time if I don’t what if he finds from someone else? The worst part is that I don’t even know what happened”.
I help Debbie make dinner, we stand at the counter and cut up cucumbers together. We talk about stupid things, about how cold it is, how its only August and its only 60 degrees outside. I’ve never been part of a family until Ian and I started dating, his family welcomed me with open arms, and had never turned their backs on me in any situation.
I left Debbie in the kitchen, and slowly opened the bedroom door, I crawled into bed next to Ian and wrapped my arms around him.

Get Ready...

2007-11-09T11:19:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow will start a new adventure for us

Desperation

2007-11-09T02:52:00.000-08:00

Writing this it may be the hardest post I've ever written, it may be the hardest part of my past to uncover with you, and it may scare you the way, well the way it still terrifies me.

I was three, it was recently after my parents had divorced. It started so young, I was at his house for the weekend.

The rage between him and my mother was so thick you could taste it in the air. I knew when he picked me up that Friday, I knew that it would be a long weekend. I knew that something was going to happen, though I could have never thought it to be something that still haunts me.

They say that since it happened so young that my memory shouldn't be so vivid about it, if they only knew.

We had just finished painting my new bedroom, my dad laid on the bed, exhausted from his day, I lay next to him feeling safe in his arms. He looked at me and smiled, I felt the knot in my stomach knowing that something was wrong. Call it a childs intuiton if you will.

I felt his hand on my thigh, I tried to ignore it. I felt it creeping up and I felt it go inside my pants. I hear him saying "it'll be ok Cass, but you can't tell anyone, this is our little secret". I remember the sterness in his voice, how serious he was.

I won't tell you the details, because I don't think that anyone really wants to hear them. I went home and I told my mother, and I still remember her tears, the way she cried. I remember the exam from the doctor, and I remember my grandfather's eyes, the deepest look of sadness in them.

Few have I shared this with, though recently I did share it with Dan, who was more than supportive.

Inspirational thoughts

2007-11-08T15:11:00.000-08:00

So I got inspired by Perv

Places I've had sex:

My dad's house
My aunt's house
Dan's Car
Brian's Car
My apartment
Brandon's parents house
Dad's House
My uncle's apartment
The bathroom at the library
In Alisha's grandma's house
Chelsea's parents house
Chris' House in the basement on the pool table
Dan's House
Ian's parents House
Ian's Car
My parents apartment
Our old house in R.E.D.

I think thats it...I'll add more as I remember them

Not today

2007-11-08T11:30:00.001-08:00

Ugh...not today

Safest Place to Hide

2007-11-05T23:48:00.000-08:00

When Pancho asked about my wants, my desires it sent me thinking, and honestly since I haven't stopped, this post will be long but I won't apologize. Its a hard one for me to write.

I think that humans crave just a few simple things; Food, sleep, love and other human contact. Obviously I am completly fine fufilling the first two on my own. I can both feed myeslf and fall asleep.

When I talk about love I'm not talking about puppy dog love, I'm talking about deep emotional unconditional love. The kind where you are deeply connected to someone. This kind of love breaks through the barriers, and leaves you connected to a person in a way that you yourself never really felt posssible.

I want to be someone's everything, I want to be the firs thing on his mind when he wakes up, the last thing on his mind when he goes to bed and everything else in between. I don't want him to think, but to know that I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, both inside and out. I want him to know when something's wrong and he's in 2,000 miles away just because he can feel it.

I want to be able to get lost in his eyes, in his arms and in his heart. I want to feel safe when he holds me, I want to be his world. I want to come before his friends, though its still important that he keeps friends, I want him to come home after a night with the boys and say "baby I'm just glad to be home" I want his love to be enough, to be enough to satisfy that ultimate place in my heart, it must be someone who can be my better half.

I want someone who can compliment me, not take away what I have to offer the world. When he looks at me, I want him to feel like he's the lucky one. I want him to think that his search is over, because no one can ever be as amazing as me. I want him to make passionate love to me, not just have sex, I want there to be that soul-connection, I want to feel ultimatley close to him while we make love, to feel the ultimate connection.

I want him to look into my eyes every night and think about how beautiful I am. I want him want to change absolutley nothing about me, because I am as perfect as he wants. I want him to be sensitive enough to understand my needs as a woman, but also to have a masculine side to him, a protective side.

When we're 50, I want him to still look at me and think the things he thought when we were twenty. I want him to think that age has only improved me. I want him to think that I've only made his life better and to have no regrets. I want him to be more in love with me than he's ever been.

I think because of my past with my father (I will post about this at a later date) my whole life I have felt threatened by men, until I met Brandon. You may think the above doesn't exist, but have experienced it myself I would have to tell you that your wrong, because I know it does. I have felt it, and when losing it, it creates the biggest hole, the deepest emptiness you could ever imagine feeling.

I want him to be my safest place to hide.

Please don't take my heart away

2007-11-04T11:13:00.000-08:00

I'm going to share something with you today that I've never shared with anyone, something that I'm only sharing because well this for me is annonymous.

I've mentioned her before, but because its only fair to her I will not mention her name in this post. I will let her go unamed, we will call her "Almost Lover".

She was my best friend for almost 3 yrs, she knew everything about me, and she accepted me for everything that I was. I knew in my heart that I had developed feelings for her, but I ignored them, I ignored them with everything I can.

While nothing ever really happened with us, besides quite a few showers together, some baths and cuddling at night while we sleep (nothing sexual ever happened during any of those). I sometimes willed it to, and sometimes while intoxicated we discussed it happening.

We work together now, but we hardly speak. We've grown too far apart now, but today after a brief conversation with her at work I remembered what it was like to feel her touch again, and it made me remember.

The Wrath of the Yellow Lighter

2007-11-04T11:00:00.000-08:00

I started smoking when I was 12, so I have much experiance in the "things you should never do while smoking" routine. They include things such as never spray something flammable while smoking, never light your cigarette inside your shirt (i've lit my hair on fire quite a few times doing this) and never NEVER carry a yellow lighter.

I'm not big on superstitions, in fact I'll be the first to tel you that your crazy for believing that walking under a ladder or breaking a mirror will bring you bad luck. The yellow lighter however is something I am an avid believer of. I unfortunatly have had very bad luck with yellow lighters.

The night they put my mom on life support I was carrying one, the day Joslynn died, also the day Sean found out he had cancer, the list goes on. When I noticed my aunt carrying a yellow lighter a few weeks ago, I kindly tried to warn her.

She laughed at me, told me I was crazy. Its been almost a month since she's been carrying it and has for the most part avoided its wrath, until yesterday that it. My aunt recently bought a new car, she was driving to my aunt's who lives about an hr away. On her way there she was rear ended, her brand new car totaled.

She threw the lighter away this morning.

Z-racks, Trucks, Darren, and a bloody nose

2007-11-04T08:25:00.000-08:00

I was at work this morning, and while I was working I was thinking about the fact that I never really blog about work. Considering that unfortunatly its such a big part of my life...it suprised me.

I work in retail, and now that we're in 4th quarter and we're actually in the holiday season things are very crazy at work. Our trucks are getting bigger every day and unfortunatly our employee base has stayed about the same.

I work on the Logistics/Flow team basically meaning that I unload the truck in the morning and push the stuff to the floor, and put it out. Below you will find some retail terminology to help you better understand this post.

I got to work this morning, my ETL was late, so I had to stand outside in the cold. Then the truck was bigger than expected, the other softlines girl called off, and since losing chatty kathy due to her sticky fingers we've been very short handed.

I got the Z-Racks and finished settting up softlines only to find that I had no help whatsoever. While unloading a pallet I cut the hell out of my hand, bleed all over my khaki pants, and Darren (my boss) bitched at me for it.

Finally around 9am (even though I was scheduled to leave at 8) they finally sent me some help, at 9:30am my nose started gushing blood. Got bitched at again...but we finished by ten at least. Now I'm home and I think I need a nap, thank god for being off tonight.

Retail Terminology:

ETL: Executive team leader
Z-Rack:a movable clothing rack
Softlines: anything on carpet in a store, in my store it includes Womans, Mens, Girls, Boys, Infants, Baby, Jewelery, Lingere, Hosiery, Sleepwear and shoes *yeah only one person for ALL that*
Push:Stocking

Don't make me let you go

2007-11-02T15:42:00.000-07:00

So as I lay awake last night thinking about the last week or so, thinking about how weird life has been lately I think I may have come to a realization, which follows below;

For awhile, at least at first I stayed with Dan for what I thought was the sex, because I needed human contact, I needed touch. Now I realize differently, its not the sex, its in that moment afterward. The distinct moment in which I feel absolutley safe, that nothing can touch me, that it really all will be ok.

Recently (about the last 2 weeks) life has been really rocky, there have been some rough patches, speed bumps in my path. Dan being my main comfort, I think I'm letting myself fall for him, and I don't even really know that if in my life I'm ready for love, at least not yet.

Is it too soon since Brandon? Is my heart ready for this? I'm not sure, because my wounds still really haven't healed. Only time will tell.

Run away this time without you...

2007-11-02T07:38:00.001-07:00

So a recent letter to Dan goes as follows:

I tried to call you, but I'm pretty sure that your sleeping, which is what I too would be doing if I didn't have to go to work. I'm sorry if you feel like I'm avoiding you, I'm not. I know you think you understand how I feel, but you do really?

Dan this has been so hard for me, within the last 3 weeks I've lost two of the most important people in my life. Though things with Brandon hadn't been good lately, his death hurt me more than I could have ever imagined it would.

In being upset I think that I keep trying to push you away because I'm scared, but unlike I thought your pushing back. I don't want to doubt us, but it scares me to get close to you, to let you in. I feel like because I'm vulnerable if I let you in it gives you the chance to hurt me, something that right now I'm not sure I could handle if it happened.

If you want in, then I will let you, but please make sure its what you want first. Please don't hurt me. We didn't get to really "date" before I was pregnant, and though this was an accident maybe its a blessing in disguise. Please make sure this is truly what you want, to be with me. If you decide it is, then I will stop pushing and I will let you, but know that I do nothing half heartedly, I will give it everything I have.Maybe your not ready for that? well you have to be the one to decide.

Moving to Chicago together is a huge step, please make sure your really ready. I know it all seems appealing, the money we have, the house, working for my grandpa, but please make sure its what you want. If you call later, I'll answer for you, but please only call if you want this, because to me your phone call will mean your ready.

Grace

2007-11-01T23:51:00.000-07:00

i'm falling in love with him and the harder I seem to fall, the farther it feels like he pulls away. Why?

The harder I fall the more Brandon tries to break those barriers again...Why?

I thought you'd want the same

2007-11-01T00:10:00.000-07:00

So in lue of writing, I decided to write about something important.

Dan. (see photo on left)

See I still think he's too good for me, he could do much better than me, but still its me he wants.

and still I'm not really too sure why. I'm falling in love with him though and that scares me terribly. but he's exactly whats making me happy in my life right now.

NaBloPoMo

2007-10-31T16:41:00.000-07:00

So in honor of my blog writing or that so lacking of it lately I have decided to do NaBloPoMo...
It should be interesting if nothing else...30 straight days of posts. Yipee!

Smiles

2007-10-27T09:10:00.000-07:00

This made my day :)

Xia hanging on the kitchen window

What about now?

2007-10-24T11:42:00.000-07:00

Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
But are not saying.

Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?
Change the colors of the sky.
And open up toT
he ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.

For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day.
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace.

Shadows fade into the light
.I am by your side,
Where love will find you.
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?

What if our love, it never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

Now that we're here,
Now that we've come this far,
Just hold on.
There is nothing to fear,
For I am right beside you.
For all my life,I am yours.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

As long as your here

2007-10-19T10:12:00.001-07:00

I woke up last night to my phone vibrating on the night stand next to me. The stupid red light blinking, meaning I have a new text message. It was from Brandon, saying he needed my advice on something...

Now I will vent:

WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM? HE CAN'T JUST WALK IN AND OUT OF MY LIFE AT HIS CONVENICE, IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY! I AM A HUMAN BEING WITH EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS AND EVERYTIME HE DOES THIS IT CRUSHES ME!

Of course my reply was; of course, whats going on. And OF COURSE he needed guy advice, ugh. Its really hard for me to imagine him with a man, especially having sex with another man, in fact we won't even go there.

But of course I miss him, and today that was all I needed to take me there.

Some more things that wise old man taught me

2007-10-16T08:27:00.000-07:00

Forgive yourself your mistakes. You learn from them, and with any luck you’ll have got them out your system when you’re young, and won’t have to bother with a mid-life crisis.
Don’t define yourself through anyone else. Work out what you’re all about, and look for someone to complement you, not to complete you.

Be honest with yourself and others. You don’t have to be flawless and perfect to be loved and appreciated. And there’s nothing wrong with making people work for it it a bit, sometimes.
There’s plenty of time for everything. This is the great mystery of life, and you won’t find it out for a while. You don’t need to pack everything into now, and even if you do, so much of it will be wasted on you until you learn how to really savour it.

He doesn’t think you’re beautiful because he loves you. You are beautiful. But he does love you and that’s OK.

You’re a girl. Appreciate how lucky you are at this time in history. You can do anything and be anything you want to. Go and get the world, and beat it into submission. Or not. Whatever you want.

Know what you want, and know how to get it. Men love that kind of thing.

You have amazing gifts: you are immensely charming, astoundingly articulate and mind-bogglingly manipulative. Use your powers for good, sweetie. Please.

Know who you are. No one else will ever get it right, so don’t depend on them.
Never stop kicking against the pricks, speaking up for what you believe in, and standing up to be counted. Never forget that respect is earned, not given.

When you say nothing at all

2007-10-14T17:18:00.000-07:00

Things with Dan and I have been exceptionally good lately, I haven't really thought of Brandon too much lately, let alone miss him. A recap of the other night:

We're currently apartment searching, we finally found the perfect one. In celebration we went furniture shopping, which actually turned out to be fun, he didn't complain once (probably because he knows hes getting that damn 40' HD flat screen).

We stopped by to visit Ann and Larry (my best friends parents) just to hang out and well mostly cause they keep calling cause they miss us. One moment that sticks in my mind is as follows:
Larry (who works 16 hr days 6 days a week) was enjoying his one day off and was drunk. He absolutly loves Dan, looks at me and asks if I'm ok, I assure him I'm just overtired. He looks at Dan and says don't worry baby, I know he'll take care of you. Dan looks me in the eye and says I will take care of her, you don't have to worry Larry. She is my everything.
Soon after we left.

We went to starbucks and our ritual rather than sit inside with the overly hyper high school kids is that we park behind starbucks and talk. This is one of my favorite things, we get to really talk, about whatever.

Halfway through our conversation though I ruined the moment. I had my hand on his thigh and had been slowly inching it toward his crotch. I was getting close...

He leaned in and kissed me, in a way he never had before. I can't really explain what I felt in that kiss, but it was def more than I expected. We made love in his car, yes I said made love. There is a very distinct difference between making love and having sex, and this is the first time we have made love.

Needless to say...it was a good night. It made going to work with only an hr and a half of sleep not so horrible (the 3 hrs nap after work helped too). I'm off tonight...which means I will catch up on my sleep. I hope tonight I'm dreaming of him and not Brandon, because I think finally my heart may be healing.

Lawn Gnoming

2007-10-12T10:39:00.000-07:00

So Perv asked about the silliest thing I've ever done, so I decided to share the BCB (the breakfast condiment bandits) stories with you. Now remember to yourself that this last year has been a very rough one for me, and for me this was my escape.

It started out actually as a mistake, you see graduation night we were extremley drunk and ended up stealing Lawn Gnomes, well we realized that night what a rush it was...

Sitting at Ram's Horn one night, around one am drinking coffee Friend 1 and I were reminiscing about that night. We discussed going out again, decided that we'd do it, I was putting sweet n' low in my coffee and I got an idea. We should leave something in place of the lawn ornaments we had taken.

This is how the BCB formed. that night from Ram's Horn we emptied the creamer bowl, the jelly stand, and the sugar bowl. We got friend 2 and began our adventures.

It led to some really late nights, but I think that in a way that it brought us closer than we had ever been.

The rules are as follows:

1. No gnoming before midnight
2. Never hit up the same neighboorhood more than once
3. No religious figures i.e. no virigin mary's, baby jesus', and no buddha's (you don't fuck with other people's religions)
4. Only one breakfast condiment shall be left in place of the gnome, unless it was over 20 LBS then several condiments could be left.

At one point our apartment was filled with over 50 Lawn Gnomes...including my favorite Billy the light up Flamingo.

Some Happy Stories

2007-10-11T10:30:00.000-07:00

So I debated about what I was going to share, looking back through the last year at my old blog which had to be moved which you can find located here ( http://www.ufoundme416.livejournal.com/)
I decided that I'm going to share with you some dad stories...

My real dad, is a bit of a jerk. We don't spend much time together, which really to me isn't such a big deal, at least not anymore. I left home the week after I turned 18, I moved in with my friend Monica, her dad and her brothers Sam and Brian.

I had been close with Monica's family for a long time and I really enjoyed being with them, they were like no family I had ever met. They were really open with each other, they were allowed to drink (of course there was a no driving rule) we could have sex in the house (as long as you put the monkey on your door knob) and they talked, really shared things.

I became really close with Monica's dad and her brothers (while actually drifting a little away from Monica). They really became family to me.

Autumn (another close friend of mine) and I skipped school one day, we stayed at the house and slept in. We woke up made a starbucks run and returned home. We found cookie dough in the fridge (which turns out was six months past its expiriation date) and soon became quite sick.

Autumn went home, and I lay on the couch with my bucket wishing I was dead. Sammy made me soup (which for Sam is a big deal, he was only 16 at the time and cooking def wasn't his strong point) dad left work early, he picked me up off the couch and took me upstairs, he let me lay in his bed with him and we had a Gilmore Girls marathon, Dad made me Kool-Aid (no one makes Kool-Aid like dad) and I puked all over him.

My real dad, would have been furious, he would have yelled, screamed, and possibly even have told me to leave. but monica's dad didn't. He got up, picked me up, moved me to my bed, changed the sheets and blankets and hopped in the shower. After his shower he came and got me and moved me back to his bed, restarting Gilmore Girls. I slept there that night, with dad and Echo (the dog)

The next day he skipped work and took me to the doctors, then we came home and laid in bed and watched movies. I slept in his bed again.

Now to you this may sound strange, I slept in some old man's bed, that wasn't my own father. But see that's one of the reason that this is one of my favorite memories, because I think this was the true beginning to our family.

Dad, Sam and Brian may be 3,000 miles away now, but they still call everyday. I know I have an open invitation anytime to come "home". I know that when I need them they are there, I know that Monica (my sister) is only 5 miles away. I know that they would do anything for me (more stories later) they've more than proven that.

I may not have my "real" family, but instead I have something better.

Some things you may not know

2007-10-10T10:34:00.001-07:00

This is really a post out of boredom, but who cares really? Listed below you will find somethings you may not know about me.

I an drink an entire fifth of captain's to myself, in less than an hr...which usually leads to a good night.

I've only had one, one night stand... wait scratch that, Will and Kenny make it two

My name is tattooed on Will's chest inside of a heart...too bad he's marrying another woman now

I've been in love

I like sex, a lot, probably more than the average person

A man has never made me orgasm

I masterbate at least twice a day

I wish my dad would come home

In the last year I have been to 14 funerals

If you met me, you wouldn't believe any of these things, let alone that I seriously attempted suicide.

I'm a genuinley happy person, though it may not always seem so due to my posts

I'm falling in love with a man who only wants me for sex

I had sex with a 50 yr old man at age 16...thats a really long story

I'm bored with my life at the moment...anything you guys wanna know? Please just ask, since I'm annonymous on here I don't have a problem sharing anything really.

The Haunting

2007-10-09T16:59:00.000-07:00

Tonight...tonight it haunts me, more than it has in a long time. Sometimes I can't believe how much I miss him, sometimes I can't believe how after so long it can hurt this much, or how the tears can fall so easily, how I can miss his touch, I miss the way his skin feels against mine, his breath against the back of my neck...

Snowballs

2007-10-05T00:12:00.000-07:00

had a dream last night:It was snowing, I was walking in it, trying to clear my head. i was standing in a field and across the field I could see you, you reached out for me, but I wouldn't take your hands. You said everything would be ok, not to worry.

You reached your gloved hands out and try to put your arms around me, I let you pull me close and I cried on your chest. You started playing with my hair, and I seemed to realize what was happening, and I pulled away from you. I looked you in the eye, and I don't think I will ever forget how blue they were at that moment, I told you no. A single tear rolled down your cheek and I wiped it away.

I reminded you that you left me, that you walked away, and it seemed as though you realized the gravity of losing me, which now I wonder if you ever will.

i woke up at 1:30 to a tear soaked pillow, I don't know how long I had been crying, Today, the lump rises in my throat as I think of the things that I have to do, because I know you won't. its not really that I want to tell them, but if I don't i don't think that I'll be ok. it's not about pissing you off, not at all. In fact I don't hate you, or resent you, I just miss you. I wish someone could fill up these holes, I really did believe you were the one, in fact I still do, which is probably why I'm havng such a hard time with this.

Wait for you

2007-10-03T00:15:00.000-07:00

Said girl sits in the car staring out the window, she's with the boys and they're on their way to Chicago for a show. She sits with her head against the window staring at the rain. She tries to hold back the tears but its never been harder, and she wonders why life has to be this way.

She moves away from the window, puts her head on his shoulder and lets him hold her, he's her best friend, and though none of this is his fault she needs him now more than ever. She cries, she cries hard, he holds her tight, and for a single moment she feels safe again.

You've have been the one

2007-09-30T00:06:00.000-07:00

As I lay with him tonight, I lay on his chest and let him hold me. Something that until tonight I had hardly let him do. I let his smell capture me, his rough facial hair caress me, and I let him consume me in a way I had yet to.

I took his kiss for everything it was worth, I moaned as he played with my tongue ring, something he had never done before. I let the warmth of his body warm my own, and I let my heart capture that moment, because in that moment I realized that everything, no matter how screwed up, would be ok.

An Old Man

2007-09-27T05:33:00.000-07:00

A wise old man taught me three simple rules about life:

1.) It will always be ok, no matter what it is, no it might not turn out like you wanted or how you planned it, but it will be ok.

2.) Boys will always be assholes, its just about finding the one who's worth putting up with

3.) As long as you have one true friend your doing better than the rest of the world (and as he said, I have at least 5)

A girl sits in the bathroom of her local target store (also her place of work) staring at the test, willing it to change its results, because she knows her life is about to change forever and all because of this stupid stick she peed on

ugh...you've got to be kidding

2007-09-24T23:50:00.001-07:00

a 7 day late period? A very queasy feeling girl? I have a feeling I know what this means...and its no good.

Now excuse me while I go rid all of my insides

Take me back there

2007-09-21T20:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes all it takes is the smell of his cologne, a lyric from a song, or like tonight a simple sunset, falling across the lake to take me back.

When it hits, it starts slow, creeping into my heart and eating at it. Then like wildfire, it consumes me.

The memories float gracefully through my mind, only lingering long enough to tease me. It bites and grabs hold taking me back there again.

I let it set in, and I allow myself to remember him, the sweet smell of skin, the warm of his body against mine. I let myself think of what it felt like to make love to him, the way his lips felt against my ears as he whispered into them. The way our lips fit together, the way it felt when he held me, sharing our deepest secrets.

I let it flow through my body, it creates this warm sensation that makes me drowsy, and then the emptiness sets in.

It the biggest sense of a whole that I have heard felt, it truly feels as though something is not right, like there in fact really is a piece of my heart missing, and without him it will never beat regularly again.

Favorite Places

2007-09-19T11:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, at least on days like today, days when all I want to do is disappear, I go to my favorite place and I watch the sunset. Its probably one of the most calming things in the world to me.

Work lately has been very stressful, and with the holiday season approaching its only going to get worse, much worse. My feet hurt, I am tired, going on hardly any sleep is starting to catch up to me.

I wish Dan would call, though I know that the odds of this happening aren't likely, a girl can wish right?

I wish I could just get along with my family...another unlikely sinario.

SO tonight? its me, the sunset, and movies...tomorrow? sleeping in, at least til 7.

Cold as you

2007-09-18T19:21:00.000-07:00

So I guess I've learned my lesson...
I don't think he'll be calling
It's my own fault, I realize that I trusted him, too soon.
I should have known better.
He got what he wanted why would he stay?

Shen you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, ain't no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counting all the scars you made
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

Her better half

2007-09-16T17:04:00.000-07:00

The wind blows her hair, she sits in the soggy grass with her knees at her chest. She buries her head in them and lets the tears flow. She tries to take herself back to that moment, the moment when she lost herself in the passion. She tries to recall why she let him, why when she knew this would happen?

Its four days later and he still hasn't called, not since that night, when she let him take her vulnerability and have it. She remembers how good it felt, and wonders what she did wrong. She only gave him what he wanted.

Mmm...

2007-09-14T03:10:00.000-07:00

So I thought as contrast I'd know tell you the story of the first time Dan and I slept together:

The sexual tension between us had been building for weeks, there had been many almosts, we had "fooled around" but we had yet to actually do the deed.

At a mutual friends house, we were laying together, cuddling. It was late, the moon shining in through the window being the only light. He rolled over and kissed me, he has a very distinct kiss, and it always draws me in, and I lost myself in it that night. I liked the way he felt against me.

I rolled on top of him, grinding on him as we kisssed, I could feel him harden underneath me. He moaned with pleasure as I kissed his neck, moving my body downward. His hands on my hips slowly went up the back of my shirt, which he quickly removed. I could feel his breath against my breasts.

I discovered new things about his body, about his nipples and his ball sac, the things he liked best. It wasn't making love, not like it was with Brandon, yes it was passion filled but not in the same way.

Still it was good, afterward we lay together for a few short minutes, before we both scrambled to find our cigarettes. I like feeling that close to a person, as I do with him now.

Your kiss

2007-09-10T12:14:00.000-07:00

After reading the blogs that I so often read I was inspired; here is the story of the first time I made love with Brandon:

We were in my apartment, it was a Thursday night and we were laying in my bed. I was curled up to him sleeping while he sat on my laptop surfing the web. I woke up, sleep still in my eyes and asked him what time it was. He laughed and told me that Grey's (our favorite show) wasn't on yet, and I laughed at how well he really did know me.

He lay down next to me, he always laid on his stomach, so I curled up next to him and put my arm around him. I played with his hair, I loved his hair. He rolled onto his side and rolled into me, He put his hand on my back and kissed me. I could sense his nervousness, I was the more expereinced one here which gave me great confidence. he slid his hand up my back, hitting the spot on my back which drives me absolutley crazy.

I kissed him harder, and rolled on top of him, I grinded against him as I kissed him. He moaned with pleasure, I took off his shirt, and he switched positions now him on top of me. He took off my shirt and kissed the place between my breasts, and he kissed me again, I moaned with pleasure.

His innocence captivated me, I knew I would be his first, and I knew that he truly loved me. We were naked now, and he was on top, he looked at me and said Cass I have no idea what I'm doing. I smiled at him and said its ok, I rolled him over and put the condom on him. I was on top, we made passionate love. It wasn't sex, it was love.

Afterward we lay together, and in that moment I had never felt closer to anyone.

What now?

2007-09-09T00:05:00.001-07:00

What do you do when you've found that one person? The one person who made life make sense, the one who knew me, truly knew every inch of me? What are you supposed to do when they're gone? What am I supposed to do with this hole in my heart? What am I supposed to do when I can't sleep because you haunt me?

Break Down Here

2007-09-07T00:02:00.000-07:00

I have good days and bad days, some days I can laugh while others I feel as if though I can barely breath.

Yesterday was a bad day...it left me with tears in my eyes as I tried to fall asleep last night. On days when Dan is not with me, those are my worst days. When I'm with him, I can put Brandon to the back of my mind and just ignore it. Pretend like its not sitting there, eating at my soul like it truly is.

There is a guy at work that reminds me of Brandon, very much of him. From his smell, to his eyes, to his laugh, the way he draws me in sometimes...

I can still hear his voice, calming me, I wish he could still sing to me, I remember the way it made my heart flutter with joy, I don't know if I can give up on us now.

I know I can say we're through, tell myself I'm over you. But even if I made a vow, I promise not to miss you now, even if I try to hide the truth inside. I just can't live a lie.

I can't forget the look that tells me that you want me, or the reasons that make lovin you so easy? The kiss that always makes it hard to breath? Or the way you know just what I mean.

I want my life

2007-09-06T00:16:00.000-07:00

Make it stop...make my dreams of him shatter.

I try
To be the woman I am
In times of broken lives
And shattered dreams and plans

Standing up to fight
The pressures and demands
Staring at the knife
And holding in your hand
What used to be your life

This world is crazy
My dreams are fading
I want my life

You fight
Your fucked up holy wars
Fire anti-christJesus will come down
And help us win tonight

Now how should I feelI think I feel alright
So tell me where to aim
I'm blinded by the light

This world is crazy
My dreams are fading
No one can save me
I want my life

And when I wake up you'll be here
And it will be the way it was

Dreams

2007-09-05T00:08:00.000-07:00

Though yes, it is only Wednesday, this week has been extraordinarily long. I was off Labor Day :), but between Sunday and Tuesday i have worked DOUBLE the hrs that I was scheduled for this week and still have three days to go.

I got home at 4p.m. last night (I start work at 4am), collapsed on my bed due to exhaustion and fell asleep. I awoke at around 9:15pm startled by my dreams again. They're back...

Brandon and I were still together, things were going exceptionally well between us. We were at his cottage, we were living there. It was an absolutly beautiful place and His grandparents were living about a mile from us, they had come over for dinner. The dinner was nothing spectacular, but his grandparents were grateful that we had invited them over, after dessert they left. Brandon and I were laying on the couch together watching a movie, when he placed his hand on my stomach and asked how I was feeling.

I leaned over and kissed him and told him I was feeling better, that my nausea has subsided for the most part, but that I was very tired and thought about calling it a night. He agreed and we went upstairs together. We made passionate love, much like the night when we made love for the first time. Afterwards I collapsed into his arms, he held me tight and told me that I was his everything, and he sang that song to me...

I awoke with a start, my pillow wet again from the tears. In the darkness I reached for him, though I knew in my heart he wouldn't be there.

I rolled over and reached for my cigarettes, after lighting one I turned on the TV hoping to escape my mind from what I just dreamt, trying to not see more into it. I reached for my phone, debated calling him, but quickly decided against it.

I don't know why I'm dreaming about him again, I truthfully thought that I had moved past that, and am quite curious what triggered my dream last night. I know I thought about him a few times yesterday, maybe thats what caused it? I guess I'll never know. The rest of the night was Brandon free...I slept clear until 2:30 this morning when my alarm went off.

Ugh...

2007-09-01T23:55:00.000-07:00

I'm so sick of being this tired, sometimes its overwhelming how my job can seem to take over my life. WIth the insane hrs that I work it doesn't allow much time for sleeping. I try to be in bed by 8p.m. at the absolute latest, so that I can rise at a stifling 2:30a.m. for work. It frustrates both Dan and I the lack of time we get to spend together because of our complete opposite schedules, I work 4 til whenever, while he works noon to 8ish. This makes our time together well yes much appreciated but too scarce or both our tastes. It involves many midnight meeting, much time just happy to be together, even if our eyes are closed and we're sleeping. I wish I could get a job with at least semi-normal business hrs.

Not to mention that the physical exertion of my job sometimes seems to consume me, and there are days that I could just crawl into my bed and sleep forever, too bad I really can't.

6 letter words

2007-09-01T00:59:00.000-07:00

When I hear that word, it sent shivers through my spine, it makes my world stop, at the sound of the word my life stops instantly and I panic. It's a 6 letter word that has taken too many from me, its a word that ruins lives.

Reading it, this morning, it brought tears to my eyes. It took me back to the ones that its taken from me, just in the last year. It took me back to Sean, and it brought the lonliness I felt with it. It brought me back his smiling face, it took me back to some of the most wonderful moments of my life.

It brought back remembrance for my grandpa, it made me relive my childhood for just a few short moments.

But it also brought back the pain.

Please don't take Cindy too, she needs her too much...

Cancer.

It's long overdue

2007-08-28T18:38:00.000-07:00

I know this post is long overdue...but I think that maybe I truly am finally ready, hey I even put out my cigarette for this.

June 22nd 2007:

I went to work like any other day, 4am til eleven, I came home I talked to Brandon for 2 hrs, and he told me he thought he was still in love with me. I got off the phone and cried. I pulled myself together and went to my mom's, I wanted to check on her (at this point she had just come home from the hospital,( she almost died in a car accident on mother's day) She was still very sick, and my grandpa had just died after a 2 yr battle with lung cancer. Things in my life were slowly going back to normal again, though I was still unsure of whether or nor I was pregnant.

I bought a test at meijer and took it in the bathroom, its negative result stung. I didn't tell him that night, instead we talked for hrs about the possibility, and then he told me that he was falling in love with Chuck.

The baclofen was my uncles and after 40 pills I thought I would really be gone. I remember only seeing his face, that was all that mattered. I lost an entire day of my life. They say that people don't remember being on life support, that its just an empty hole in their minds, I beg to differ.

I remember EMS telling my aunt that they thought I was DOA (dead on arrival), I remember them talking to me, trying to calm me. I remember waking up in the hospital, the nurses trying to keep me from pulling out my trach, the thing that was breathing for me. I remember trying to get out of the restraints, the way I felt so trapped.

I remember my aunt rubbing my head, telling me that she loved me, that it was all going to be ok, that no one was mad. I remember the tears that streamed from my eyes and how they made my aunt leave, because she was upsetting me too much.

I remember the way they all talked to me the next day as I was fully awake, and now, now I must live with what I've done. I remember the lunch, where some of my best friends walked away from me, not wanting to deal with me. Mostly though I remember his and mine last conversation as he told me that he could no longer trust me and was sick of trying.

and all I said: Baby why don't you stay?

Stay...

2007-08-27T19:53:00.000-07:00

I've been sittin' here stairin' at the clock on the wall
And I've been layin' here prayin'
Prayin' she won't callIt's just another call from home
and you'll get it and be gone and I'll be cryin'
And I'll be beggin' you baby
Beg you not to leave

But I'll be left here waitin'
My Heart on my sleeve
Oh for the next time we'll be here seems like a million years and I think I'm dyin'

What do I have to do to make you see
She can't love you like me
Why don't you stayI'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of bein' lonely
Don't I give you what you need

When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay

You keep tellin' me baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like bein' used and I'm tired of waitin'

It's too much pain to have to bare
To love a man you have to share
Why don't you stayI'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of bein' lonely
Don't I give you what you need

When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stayI can't take it any longer but my will is gettin' stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I've put in it

I've given you my best
Why does she get the best of you
So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine
Why don't you stay I'm up off my knees I'm so tired of bein' lonely
You can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should knowI don't have to live this way

Baby why don't you stay

Please Remember Me

2007-08-22T00:01:00.000-07:00

So popular to contrary belief, I still miss him. A random text sent to him at 2:58am this morning as I'm talking to Dan...

I need you to tell me its ok, I need you to tell me its ok to give my heart to him

Of course the response, "What?" was what I recieved

I still remember

2007-08-19T14:41:00.000-07:00

I seem to be having the oddest dreams lately, ones that take me back, far back to things that I truly care not to remember.

One, the one that seems to be the most disturbing one, is of Joslynn. I still, to this day remember the day she died, I still as I sit and think about it I can feel the emotions start to creep through my veins again. I can feel the aching in my heart again, and I long for her, the way I did just after I lost her.

I don't know exactly what triggered these dreams, maybe it was the drive past the telephone pole a few weeks ago, maybe it was just something underlying inside of me, I just don't know.

I remember that day so clearly:

I remember saying goodbye to her at school that day, I hugged her and told her to call me. I walked out of school that day with Amanda, Craig and Steven. That whole day had seemed weird, there was just an uneasiness about it all. I remember going home, eating dinner with my family, I remember doing my homework and then I remember the phone ringing, I remember the way my heart sank when my aunt told whoever it was on the other line that I would have to talk to them tomorrow because it was too late for me to be on the phone. I remember the walk to school the next morning, it seemed to endless and nothing short of 4 heavy hearted people.

Though none of us spoke of it, we all seemed to know something had happend. I remember walking through the front doors of Hilbert Junior High that morning, to see nothing but grief. I knew as Alisha ran to me, I knew what had happened. I didn't need an explanation, I didn't need to know the details.

We left school early that day, Ann (alisha's mom) picked us up from school and we went to the telephone pole where she was killed and we wrote messages and we left flowers and as a community, we pulled together.

The days leading to the funeral seem to be a blur now, it was filled with too many tears, too much heartache after losing someone at such a young age. I remember the way Tina and Savanah held me that day, how at such a young age we had experienced too much of the cruel harsh world.

The funeral was long, I still remember the looks on parents faces as we stood outside in a group, smoking, at 13 yrs old. The way that they cruelly judged us, The way they never should have been allowed to. I remember the few parents that were there for us, the ones who tried their best to comfort us and remind us how we still had each other...

Now, 6 yrs later,when I look back at these moments, its still one of the saddest moments of my life, but it was a huge part of my growing up. It forced me to face things I shouldn't have had to face, and it taught me love, like I had never felt

Saints and Sailors

2007-08-19T10:23:00.000-07:00

I seem to be torn today...

This is where I say I've had enough And no one should ever feel The way that I feel now. A walking open wound, A trophy display of bruises And I don't believe That I'm getting any better.

Waiting here with Hopes the phone will ring And I'm thinking awful things And I'm pretty sure That few would notice. And this apartment Is starving for an argument. Anything at all to break the Silence. Wandering the house Like I've never wanted out And this is about As social as I get now.

And I'm throwing away The letters that I am writing you 'cause they would never do, I would never do. So don't be a liar, Don't say that "Everything's working"

When everything's broken. And you smile like a saint But you curse like a sailor And your eyes say the joke's on Me.

I won't go home without you

2007-08-17T14:48:00.000-07:00

I am slowly moving past my Brandon crisis, of course I still miss him, he's the one that my heart beats for. If its meant to be then one day down the paths of our lives we will be reunited, for now its in gods hands.

Things with Dan? Good! I've really let him in a lot lately, and I think its been good for our relationship. I let him read the email from Brandon, since well he had to see me so upset over it and we talked about it, it was good.

Things I like about Dan:

He too has a very strange sense of humor
The way his eyes light up when he gets excited
The way he talks to me, like no one else in the world even matters
His eyes (I never thought I would fall for a guy with brown eyes)
His smile, how genuine and sincere it is
The fact that he's willing to fit me into his life and work around my schedule (working 4am til noon is a crappy shift and requires a very early bedtime)
He has the longest fingers I have ever seen, the way they fit perfectly around my hand
His lips, how soft they are
His bald head, its shiny
His flip flops (Hehe)
His sense of understanding
His need to protect me

K 'nough for now, but as all can see, I think right now Dan is a very good thing for me :)

I'm not ready

2007-08-11T15:07:00.001-07:00

I have so many feelings right now, bottled up mostly, because lets face it, who really am I to share them with? I will write a detailed post soon, especially preluding my last entry...I just, well I need some "me" time persay. Until later this week...