Let mercy come

I face myself to cross out what I've become, erase myself, and let go of what I've done.

I start again, and whatever pain may come, I've forgiving what I've done. Sometimes, at least on nights like tonight, nights when I'm alone and I think I realize I have to forgive myself first . I know how many people I have hurt, how many people have cried because of the pain I have caused. I know that some of them, the ones who have walked away, well I have to let them go, but I can't. I don't let go of anything, even when the pain hurts really bad.

He took a chance on a bruised and broken heart, then he realized he wanted what he had. I should have held onto my pride, I guess I got what I deserve. I guess I shoulda been more like him (Chuck)



When will it stop? When will I stop feeling like I've let everyone down? When will I wake up and be me again? When will I care again? I can't even cry anymore, it hurts that bad. I need the tears to fall, so I can be ok again, I need to let it out, but I can't. I guess for now I'll love like winter.



I need a day for myself, a day to do things that I want to

Where did it start?

I smiled today, I mean really smiled, its the first time in a long time. I don't remember what it's like to be happy, I only seem to remember how to be sad. I hate being so down all the time, if you knew me, the real me you would be like the rest of the world, doing whatever it takes to get the old Cassie back. The one who's the life of the party, whose smile can light up a room, the one who has a pretty face but an even more beautiful heart, the girl who always thinks of others before herself, and will give until she has nothing left. Where did she go? yeah I'd like to know where she went too.

I think my downfall started as things started going downhill with Brandon. For those of you who don't know that story I will put it sweet and simple. Brandon was my best friend, he was gay, we got very close, eventually we started dating, I fell in love with him. I still don't really know if he loved me, at least not the way that I loved him. We had a pregnancy scare, things kinda got ugly with his parents, and Brandon flew, he's not dating a guy named Chuck. I miss him, I miss the way that he would hold me, the way that he never judged me, I could really be myself with him, because he has known me so long and knew so much. Most of all I miss the way he brought me up, the way he could take any situation and find something positive in it. He proposed, we were engaged, he was my world, now I have nothing.

Tear stained sheets

I woke up around 2am this morning, a half hr before I have to get up for work, to find my pillow soaking wet. I was crying in my sleep again. I wonder how long it will take for this to finally all stop, how long before I'll feel more like me again. It's not fair that I miss you, I don't want to miss you, I don't even want to think about you for the most part, its remarkable how I could be having a perfectly good day, them some small thought of you will come floating back into my mind and how in an instant I could just cry for hrs.

I wonder sometimes if you ever think of me, do you ever pick up the phone to call? Do you ever wonder at night as you lay in bed what I'm doing or what I'm thinking? Do you think back to where things started to go wrong? Do you think about what might have been? Today I was reminded of the night you proposed, and I can't believe how deeply it still hurts. I have never let someone in the way I let you in, and I can't take back what I gave, nor am I sure I'll ever be able to love someone the way that I loved you.

Do you ever wish you could go back?

When your gone...

There are days when it feels like I can't breath without him. Just as I start to pick up the pieces, to maybe move on, my mind wanders back to him and it hurts more than ever. I hate that I gave him so much of me, the pieces of my heart are missing him. He has Chuch now, whom he loves very much, I have Dan, whom sometimes I think I am trying to convince myself to love. I don't know how to let him in, how to let him love me, maybe its too soon, maybe my heart just isn't ready. I want him to hold me, I want to look into his eyes again, to feel his gentle touch...

I dreamt once that I lost you, we were on iceburgs, and I can’t remember if you were floating away from me or if I was floating away from you, but I remember waking up beside you. It was the middle of the night and it was raining, like tonight. And I heard your breathing, calming me, it was like we could speak without words. I wondered how and when we learned it, this secret language. I only know that at some point, in the silences, I heard you. And now I’m left with words, these useless words, when all I want is to be beside you again, to make you feel safe, to help you sleep, to bring you back to me.

She's blowing smoke like halos

I want my life to fall back into place, for the pieces to just fall back to their spots and to go back to normal. I know this is not a reality, but yet just some crazy thing I imagine in my mind, I know that it will be a long time before things go back to the way they were. I want to be happy again,

I want to fall in love, I want to feel someone else's touch. I want someone to hold me when I cry, I want someone who will stand up for me when they know I'm wrong, someone who will walk beside me, someone who can't sleep at night because I'm what's on their mind. I want to be someone else's everything, they he was mine. I want someone to love me more than I love them, I want him to look me in the eye and say "baby your not pretty, your beautiful"

I guess I'll be stuck in this limbo, this place waiting for now...

Maybe its fate, or maybe I just fall too fasr

Cancel everything I said in my last post, my date with Dan was phenominal...I'm looking forward to spending more time with him. More on the details later.

We had fire in our eyes

We had time on our side in the beginning, we had nothing to hide, you blame me but its not fair when you said I didn't try, I swear I never meant to let it die, it's not fair for you to say that I didn't try, I just don't care about you anymore...(that last part's a lie)

I gave you everything Brandon, I gave you my heart in a way that I've never given anyone before. I let you into places that no one has ever even been close to before, places that I myself didn't know existed. I knew better, I knew that there was always a chance you'd leave me for a man, in fact I even shared that fear with you, your reply? I'd never leave you, you are my first love, the firt person I was mentally attracted to, the first one that means something, for once someone saw me for who I really was, not what I look like or who I hang out with. I said well I happen to find you incredibly sexy, and you said, but see thats just a bonus because looks are changeable, love is...

I can't take back what I gave you, nor am I sure that I can ever give someone as much as I gave you. Now there's someone new, who wants what I gave you and I'm not sure I can give it again...what do I do now?

& I can't breath without you

I don't want to miss you, I don't want to lay awake at night and think about the things that could have been, the way things SHOULD have been, they way you should have treated me.

I realize now that maybe you really were just too young for me, maybe because I was your first "real" girlfriend that you weren't so sure about certain things, that though you really did love me, because of your sexual preference before we dated you just didn't know, or maybe understand.

It hurts me to know that now, now your with him. The thought of what involves for you to sleep together, well it makes me cringe a the fact. We could have still been friends, your right about that, but truthfully, you weren't even really willing to try. I'm sorry I couldn't offer you everything that he could.

For the record? I really did love you, do actually, and you hurt me, badly. I know that you don't care and that you don't want to talk to me, which is fine, now only if I could really let you go...

I don't want to see you or feel you
I don't want to look into your eyes
I don't want to touch you or miss you
I just want to love your memory tonight

I can't handle all this pain
All we ever do is fight anyway
Why we even tried I haven't a clue
With hearts involved there's way too much to loose

I don't want to see you or feel you
I don't want to look into your eyes
I don't want to touch you or miss you
I just want to love your memory tonight

You were something else to look at
Your intentions they weren't' all bad
You tried to make me something I wasn't
Lord knows there aint no future in all that

I don't want to see you or feel you
I don't want to look into your eyes
I don't want to touch you or miss you
I just want to love your memory tonight

Well here we are...

I moved this for reasons that I will not even state. I realize that now I have no readers, but honestly? is that really even important? Some random person one day may come across this and decide that its worth reading, and if no one ever does, then I guess I'm just writing for my own personal reasons. I do have one thing I must say though...

I hope you know, this has nothing to do with you,
its pesonal, my self and I, we've got some straightening out to do,
I've got to move on,
it's time to be a big girl now...and big girls don't cry.