ugh...you've got to be kidding

a 7 day late period? A very queasy feeling girl? I have a feeling I know what this means...and its no good.

Now excuse me while I go rid all of my insides

Take me back there

Sometimes all it takes is the smell of his cologne, a lyric from a song, or like tonight a simple sunset, falling across the lake to take me back.

When it hits, it starts slow, creeping into my heart and eating at it. Then like wildfire, it consumes me.

The memories float gracefully through my mind, only lingering long enough to tease me. It bites and grabs hold taking me back there again.

I let it set in, and I allow myself to remember him, the sweet smell of skin, the warm of his body against mine. I let myself think of what it felt like to make love to him, the way his lips felt against my ears as he whispered into them. The way our lips fit together, the way it felt when he held me, sharing our deepest secrets.

I let it flow through my body, it creates this warm sensation that makes me drowsy, and then the emptiness sets in.

It the biggest sense of a whole that I have heard felt, it truly feels as though something is not right, like there in fact really is a piece of my heart missing, and without him it will never beat regularly again.

Favorite Places

Sometimes, at least on days like today, days when all I want to do is disappear, I go to my favorite place and I watch the sunset. Its probably one of the most calming things in the world to me.

Work lately has been very stressful, and with the holiday season approaching its only going to get worse, much worse. My feet hurt, I am tired, going on hardly any sleep is starting to catch up to me.

I wish Dan would call, though I know that the odds of this happening aren't likely, a girl can wish right?

I wish I could just get along with my family...another unlikely sinario.

SO tonight? its me, the sunset, and movies...tomorrow? sleeping in, at least til 7.

Cold as you

So I guess I've learned my lesson...
I don't think he'll be calling
It's my own fault, I realize that I trusted him, too soon.
I should have known better.
He got what he wanted why would he stay?


Shen you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, ain't no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counting all the scars you made
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

Her better half

The wind blows her hair, she sits in the soggy grass with her knees at her chest. She buries her head in them and lets the tears flow. She tries to take herself back to that moment, the moment when she lost herself in the passion. She tries to recall why she let him, why when she knew this would happen?

Its four days later and he still hasn't called, not since that night, when she let him take her vulnerability and have it. She remembers how good it felt, and wonders what she did wrong. She only gave him what he wanted.

Mmm...

So I thought as contrast I'd know tell you the story of the first time Dan and I slept together:

The sexual tension between us had been building for weeks, there had been many almosts, we had "fooled around" but we had yet to actually do the deed.

At a mutual friends house, we were laying together, cuddling. It was late, the moon shining in through the window being the only light. He rolled over and kissed me, he has a very distinct kiss, and it always draws me in, and I lost myself in it that night. I liked the way he felt against me.

I rolled on top of him, grinding on him as we kisssed, I could feel him harden underneath me. He moaned with pleasure as I kissed his neck, moving my body downward. His hands on my hips slowly went up the back of my shirt, which he quickly removed. I could feel his breath against my breasts.

I discovered new things about his body, about his nipples and his ball sac, the things he liked best. It wasn't making love, not like it was with Brandon, yes it was passion filled but not in the same way.

Still it was good, afterward we lay together for a few short minutes, before we both scrambled to find our cigarettes. I like feeling that close to a person, as I do with him now.

Your kiss

After reading the blogs that I so often read I was inspired; here is the story of the first time I made love with Brandon:

We were in my apartment, it was a Thursday night and we were laying in my bed. I was curled up to him sleeping while he sat on my laptop surfing the web. I woke up, sleep still in my eyes and asked him what time it was. He laughed and told me that Grey's (our favorite show) wasn't on yet, and I laughed at how well he really did know me.

He lay down next to me, he always laid on his stomach, so I curled up next to him and put my arm around him. I played with his hair, I loved his hair. He rolled onto his side and rolled into me, He put his hand on my back and kissed me. I could sense his nervousness, I was the more expereinced one here which gave me great confidence. he slid his hand up my back, hitting the spot on my back which drives me absolutley crazy.

I kissed him harder, and rolled on top of him, I grinded against him as I kissed him. He moaned with pleasure, I took off his shirt, and he switched positions now him on top of me. He took off my shirt and kissed the place between my breasts, and he kissed me again, I moaned with pleasure.

His innocence captivated me, I knew I would be his first, and I knew that he truly loved me. We were naked now, and he was on top, he looked at me and said Cass I have no idea what I'm doing. I smiled at him and said its ok, I rolled him over and put the condom on him. I was on top, we made passionate love. It wasn't sex, it was love.

Afterward we lay together, and in that moment I had never felt closer to anyone.