Your kiss

After reading the blogs that I so often read I was inspired; here is the story of the first time I made love with Brandon:

We were in my apartment, it was a Thursday night and we were laying in my bed. I was curled up to him sleeping while he sat on my laptop surfing the web. I woke up, sleep still in my eyes and asked him what time it was. He laughed and told me that Grey's (our favorite show) wasn't on yet, and I laughed at how well he really did know me.

He lay down next to me, he always laid on his stomach, so I curled up next to him and put my arm around him. I played with his hair, I loved his hair. He rolled onto his side and rolled into me, He put his hand on my back and kissed me. I could sense his nervousness, I was the more expereinced one here which gave me great confidence. he slid his hand up my back, hitting the spot on my back which drives me absolutley crazy.

I kissed him harder, and rolled on top of him, I grinded against him as I kissed him. He moaned with pleasure, I took off his shirt, and he switched positions now him on top of me. He took off my shirt and kissed the place between my breasts, and he kissed me again, I moaned with pleasure.

His innocence captivated me, I knew I would be his first, and I knew that he truly loved me. We were naked now, and he was on top, he looked at me and said Cass I have no idea what I'm doing. I smiled at him and said its ok, I rolled him over and put the condom on him. I was on top, we made passionate love. It wasn't sex, it was love.

Afterward we lay together, and in that moment I had never felt closer to anyone.

What now?

What do you do when you've found that one person? The one person who made life make sense, the one who knew me, truly knew every inch of me? What are you supposed to do when they're gone? What am I supposed to do with this hole in my heart? What am I supposed to do when I can't sleep because you haunt me?

Break Down Here

I have good days and bad days, some days I can laugh while others I feel as if though I can barely breath.

Yesterday was a bad day...it left me with tears in my eyes as I tried to fall asleep last night. On days when Dan is not with me, those are my worst days. When I'm with him, I can put Brandon to the back of my mind and just ignore it. Pretend like its not sitting there, eating at my soul like it truly is.

There is a guy at work that reminds me of Brandon, very much of him. From his smell, to his eyes, to his laugh, the way he draws me in sometimes...

I can still hear his voice, calming me, I wish he could still sing to me, I remember the way it made my heart flutter with joy, I don't know if I can give up on us now.

I know I can say we're through, tell myself I'm over you. But even if I made a vow, I promise not to miss you now, even if I try to hide the truth inside. I just can't live a lie.

I can't forget the look that tells me that you want me, or the reasons that make lovin you so easy? The kiss that always makes it hard to breath? Or the way you know just what I mean.

I want my life

Make it stop...make my dreams of him shatter.

I try
To be the woman I am
In times of broken lives
And shattered dreams and plans

Standing up to fight
The pressures and demands
Staring at the knife
And holding in your hand
What used to be your life

This world is crazy
My dreams are fading
I want my life

You fight
Your fucked up holy wars
Fire anti-christJesus will come down
And help us win tonight

Now how should I feelI think I feel alright
So tell me where to aim
I'm blinded by the light

This world is crazy
My dreams are fading
No one can save me
I want my life

And when I wake up you'll be here
And it will be the way it was

Dreams

Though yes, it is only Wednesday, this week has been extraordinarily long. I was off Labor Day :), but between Sunday and Tuesday i have worked DOUBLE the hrs that I was scheduled for this week and still have three days to go.

I got home at 4p.m. last night (I start work at 4am), collapsed on my bed due to exhaustion and fell asleep. I awoke at around 9:15pm startled by my dreams again. They're back...

Brandon and I were still together, things were going exceptionally well between us. We were at his cottage, we were living there. It was an absolutly beautiful place and His grandparents were living about a mile from us, they had come over for dinner. The dinner was nothing spectacular, but his grandparents were grateful that we had invited them over, after dessert they left. Brandon and I were laying on the couch together watching a movie, when he placed his hand on my stomach and asked how I was feeling.

I leaned over and kissed him and told him I was feeling better, that my nausea has subsided for the most part, but that I was very tired and thought about calling it a night. He agreed and we went upstairs together. We made passionate love, much like the night when we made love for the first time. Afterwards I collapsed into his arms, he held me tight and told me that I was his everything, and he sang that song to me...

I awoke with a start, my pillow wet again from the tears. In the darkness I reached for him, though I knew in my heart he wouldn't be there.

I rolled over and reached for my cigarettes, after lighting one I turned on the TV hoping to escape my mind from what I just dreamt, trying to not see more into it. I reached for my phone, debated calling him, but quickly decided against it.

I don't know why I'm dreaming about him again, I truthfully thought that I had moved past that, and am quite curious what triggered my dream last night. I know I thought about him a few times yesterday, maybe thats what caused it? I guess I'll never know. The rest of the night was Brandon free...I slept clear until 2:30 this morning when my alarm went off.

Ugh...

I'm so sick of being this tired, sometimes its overwhelming how my job can seem to take over my life. WIth the insane hrs that I work it doesn't allow much time for sleeping. I try to be in bed by 8p.m. at the absolute latest, so that I can rise at a stifling 2:30a.m. for work. It frustrates both Dan and I the lack of time we get to spend together because of our complete opposite schedules, I work 4 til whenever, while he works noon to 8ish. This makes our time together well yes much appreciated but too scarce or both our tastes. It involves many midnight meeting, much time just happy to be together, even if our eyes are closed and we're sleeping. I wish I could get a job with at least semi-normal business hrs.

Not to mention that the physical exertion of my job sometimes seems to consume me, and there are days that I could just crawl into my bed and sleep forever, too bad I really can't.

6 letter words

When I hear that word, it sent shivers through my spine, it makes my world stop, at the sound of the word my life stops instantly and I panic. It's a 6 letter word that has taken too many from me, its a word that ruins lives.

Reading it, this morning, it brought tears to my eyes. It took me back to the ones that its taken from me, just in the last year. It took me back to Sean, and it brought the lonliness I felt with it. It brought me back his smiling face, it took me back to some of the most wonderful moments of my life.

It brought back remembrance for my grandpa, it made me relive my childhood for just a few short moments.

But it also brought back the pain.

Please don't take Cindy too, she needs her too much...

Cancer.