In lue of new beginnings

I wish I could say that all the things I have wanted to accomplish I have overcame, but that statement is infact untrue. I stand (rather sit) here and wish I could tell you that I felt as though I was a changed person and that everything bad in my life had left me long ago. The preceeding statement then would also be untrue.

Is my life better? sure I suppose it is. I find that many times we don't realize how good something truly is in the moment that it is happening, but rather it is later down the line when it is too late to recapture it that we realize the significance of that moment.

Sometimes I feel as though I am strong and that my trunk is so thick that no amount of harm could blow me down, and sometimes I feel as though I am just a branch and just a little wind could knock me down. I want to be the tall strong tree, the one that is unbreakable. I am too scared too often to be this person, I do not have the support system I previously had and that makes me feel even weaker.

Change scares me, like most I am stuck in my ways and I truly believe that my way is the right way and though it may seem wrong I am the norm in my thinking.

In lue of the holidays...

So in lue of the holidays this year I am going to write a few things that I am thankful for:

Having Brandon in my life again.

My new nephew Jack Thomas

My family and how close we have become in the past year

My job, though frustrating at times.

The experiences I have had in the last year (specifically my time spent with Fran which in a later post I will update you on)

Xia (my cat, who truly is my baby)

Having Dan (even though at times we are shaky)

Baby you don't have to call me

As I sit here, I let myself wonder at what point it will truly ever be enough? At what point will I let go enough and decide that things with him just aren't worth it anymore? When will I decide that I am so much better than this, that I deserve everything that life can give me, and that life can give me so much better than him? I wish that I knew, god do I. She's pushing a wedge between us again and truthfully I have no idea what to even do anymore. I'm scared because honestly I know I am going to lose him its just a matter of time now. I am scared because I do not know what the hell to do anymore.

I am scared that without him I am going to be lost again, that I am not going to know what it is exactly that I need to do. I don't know how to move on, obviously if I did I would have left him a long time ago the first time that this happened.

Why can't I be enough for him? I don't honestly think I am ever going to be enough and I don't know what exactly I am going to do. I just know that I am scared, very very very scared. I am lost in this world and if only I knew what it is that I need to do, then maybe life will make sense again.

White Horse

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
As I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on The days drag on Stupid girl,
I should have known, I should have known

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

Baby I was naive,
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
Now I know

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

And there you are on your knees,
Begging for forgiveness,
begging for me
Just like I always wanted
but I'm sooo sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse,
to catch me now

Let me let go baby...

Let me let go baby, Let me let go.

FUCK YOU.

A little overdue...

So this post may be a little overdue but in lue of writing it I am excited/irked.

It has been one year one month and 8 eight days since my attempted suicide. Facts say that 65% of teenagers who attempy suicide will attempt in within one year after their first attempt, I am not one of those 65%.

Today yes, I do feel stronger. Has my life changed? Yes at least in some ways. I still have ups and I still have downs, but it has been a matter of how I have learned how to handle my downs.

Dan was what I thought was my rebound guy, but he is still a constant in my life, which is very good. Brandon is now back in my life, but as a friend now. I didn't honestly think we could ever get to that point, but I am so glad we did.