White Horse

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
As I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on The days drag on Stupid girl,
I should have known, I should have known

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

Baby I was naive,
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
Now I know

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

And there you are on your knees,
Begging for forgiveness,
begging for me
Just like I always wanted
but I'm sooo sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse,
to catch me now

I can't go there

I want to be ok...but how?

Live with Lonesome

So as things wrap up with me and dan this is a new guy in the mix...his name is Jeff. He is a little older than me, well he's 32, but he's a really nice guy, and I think that it might be just what I'm looking for. So for now I feel good :)

What you left behind

I don't understand...I just I don't know what to do anymore.

Why is it that I will never be enough? Why is it that no matter how much love I give, he can't give any back?

Why does he string me along like this, and better yet why do I let myself be strung?

Why can't I just let him go, move on, close my heart off to him?

Wby do I let myself shed tears over him?

Why don't I learn how to stand up for myself?

Why can't I just be strong and push him out of my life all together?

Why do I let myself settle?

Why is it so hard to love me?

Another day gone by with broke dreams

Where to begin?

Well I would like to start off by saying I'm strong, I'm levelheaded, and all in all I like to think that I am a good person. I get up every morning get the things that need to get done in life done. I try and push myself forward, even though right now the only thing that seems to make sense is to sleep the rest of my life away, to let myself drown in my sorrow and misery.

I love him, and I want things to be good, but I however truly believe we have reached the breaking point in our relationship, that things from this point on will never get better. I want life to make sense again, I want to move forward, but I can't.

Recently, the one year anniversary of my attempted suicide pasted, and I wonder to myself if things truly are any better now than they were then?

When they shine

So this post may be kind of long...I'm apologizing now for that and also for the fact that I have a tendency to ramble about nothings.

So things that are new? Well Larry has been gone now for four months, and yes they have been four VERY long months. I don't remember if I posted earlier on about how he has been visiting me lately, but he has and it has been frequent, dare I say that it really irks me?

The wise old man told me once that life will never make since, not until the end. I dare say that he is right about this for sure. Things with Dan are continually weirder and weirder everyday.

I heard "Tim McGraw" by Taylor Swift which makes my mind always wander back to Brandon...hmmmm

Vanna is due in October...ITS A BOY! and I'm pretty damn excited!

Leave the Pieces When you Go...

I write this tonight, not completly positive as to where I stand. At this moment in time I'm not exactly sure how I feel or if I even have the right to feel this way. I am in my dark place right now, and its hard to see clearly still.

In my hour of need, of despartion I look around and I'm not sure where to turn or where I'm supposed to go. I'm not sure where to look or what hand I should be grabbing.
I don't know where to go in my hour of darkness or who to let hold onto me.

I'm not sure that really I should be surprised but for some reason I let myself be. I let this fear of him overwhelm me, I let it consume every inch of my being.

because I'm so stupid but being without him in my life is unbearable im so miserable without him I know he's cheating I KNOW and I won't let myself say anything because I don't want to lose him.

If we're gonna make this work...

Why is it, that we wait so long for something, doing whatever it takes for us to get it. and then once we have it we realize that the chase is better than the prize?

Why is it that no matter how hard you try, not matter how hard you give, you can't make someone give back to you?

Why is it that I need him, more than he will ever need me?

Why is it that he can't want me, not that way I want him to?

Why is it that I will cry tears for him, and he will never even be shaken by losing me?

I don't understand anymore. I have given so much, sometimes more than I have to give, and in return he can't give an ounce of himself back to me? I don't doubt that he loves me, but sometimes I doubt his intentions and most of the time I doubt that he even wants to be in the same room with me.

Love, at first is exciting. There are butterflies, and you are nervous and every touch has sparks, and every kiss has fireworks, sex is awkward still, and you laugh together still. As time goes on you start to get comfortable, and those feelings start to fade, you don't touch as often, kisses are fewer and farther between, and affection fades.

Why is it that he can't love me the way that I love him? That wise old man told me once never to settle, no matter how much you love someone. Now I question myself, am I settling because I'm in love with him?

I have never questioned his relationship with her, though I know it has ended (good ole' myspace can tell me that) but I don't know why, or what happened or what made him come back to me. I don't know the things that he feels, mostly because he won't share those feelings with me.

Tonight, when he brought me home I felt as though something was ending, though really I know soon he will call and we will talk late into the night. I will pretend the fact that he never touches me anymore doesn't bother me and we will go on with our lives.

I'm afraid to be without him. I don't question my love for him because I know that my love is true and it is pure and it is hopeful. I can't change him and I know that, but I don't understand where this is all going, why am I doing this to myself when I know truly in reality I am the one who will be hurt again.

The weight of the world on my shoulders and I write this, wondering where I am going with my life, and what I am accomplishing because especially lately I feel as though I am going nowhere. I wonder why I have to deal with all the bull and why I can't just let him go, and I wonder why, why can't he just love me? For me.

Fall in love with Jack Daniels again...

So since I have last wrote life has been, well its been a little crazy...

Dan and I broke up because, well because he doesn't know what a monogamous relationship is.

My place of work laid of 90 people, considering our company only consists of 105 people, it was a pretty huge layoff

My cat...oh where to start? well really I'm not sure what is wrong with her, but her fur is falling off, literally, in chunks. You can see her jaw bone.

Dan and I are back together after a 3 week seperation...How are things with us?? Ehhh about how they've always been so who knows whats going to happen, Though truly I do love him.

Rain on the window makes me lonely
Time keeps on passing so slowly
The old man sittin' next to me is fallin' asleep
On a Greyhound Bound For Nowhere

The sun's going down on my misery
Another day gone by with broken dreams
That cell phone I hear ringing, I keep wishing it was you
On a Greyhound Bound For Nowhere

That ring that you were wearing don't mean everything
The way that you stood starin' as you watched me roll away
She loves you and you need me and there some things we can't share
I'm on a Greyhound bound for nowhere

Bright lights of a city shining up ahead
My hearts analyzing everything you said
Did you take me for a fool or did you really care
I'm on a Greyhound bound for nowhere

Greyhound bound for nowhere

I write this letter to you, because I miss you and living my life without you, though it has only been a week has been unbearable.

Dan,

I gave you my life, I gave you my heart, the one that you promised so openly to protect. I warned you how it had been broken, that giving it back to you would be harder for me than anything I had ever done. You promised me that you would never let it drop, that you would hold it tight and cherish it. Now I stand here staring at the scattered pieces you left wondering where to begin. I don't know that truly its worth piecing together again, because if loving you only makes me feel this miserable how can it be right? I don't know how to start over, I don't want to start over, I just want to be lost in the arms that for the past 8 months have held me so close. I didn't make this mess on my own, but I am the only one standing here with a broom. I don't know why you felt the need to hurt me so much, in this way. I don't know what she has that I don't, or what she gives you that I so appearantly never could. I loved you, I still do really I just don't know how to move on from you or even how to move on. I have been so strong this week with that little bit of hope that you'd come back to me, but your silence has made it clear that your not. Daniel Patrick I love you and I wish the best for you, I hope that your not left here the way I am in tears and unable to eat, sleep, and barely breath.

If I gave you my heart

There are some things we can't change, and there are some things that if we try to change have the potential to really screw up our lives. When you love someone, you accept them for who they are, flaws included. Though it may not be the easiest thing, its what we must do. I have spent a lot of time realizing things that drive me crazy about Dan, but the things that make me love him far out weigh the ones that annoy me.

I know that I too have flaws, I am not a perfect person, far from it actually, very far from it. but I can accept that, and I can live with it. I know that I too drive him absolutly crazy at times, like my trust issues, or my need to be held at night until I fall asleep, the way because of how I have been hurt when upset I push him away, that I refuse to let him see my face while I cry. but he still loves me, so if he can look past all those things, I too can look past his flaws.

There are too many good things about him:
The way he wraps both his arms around me when he holds me
When he's playful (which is often)
The way he blows raspberries instead of kissing me (though I will continue to pretend I hate it)
The way he tickles me
The way he puts me first
The way his hand feels on mine
The way he pretends to hate cuddling but often times he's the one who instigates it
The way I feel absolutly safe with him

What you can't change

So this post is in reference to some of the things that have really bothered me lately, me venting perhaps?

Dan I have become very close in the past few weeks, never in my life have I felt closer to him, and I think though I once said I will never love more than I loved Brandon, I think I have surpassed that feeling.

Some things that have really been bothering me:
I'm Dan's first serious relationship, so there is a lot for him to learn
Dan's really not a touchy feely kinda person, I however need touch (his parents only touch in the bedroom behind closed doors)
He's not a very great communicator
He definetly needs help sharing his feelings
He hardly ever says I love you, and though I know he does I need to hear it

Regaurdless of all the above, I love him whole heartedly time will only tell I guess.

Hmmm

Dan asked me to marry him tonight...yeah things just keep getting weirder and weirder

We took a chance

So I know that I've negelected to write anything purposeful lately, for that I am sorry. Things in life haven't exactly been fair lately, nor have they been exactly what I would call easy, though they have been worse.

So where to start? Well lets start with Dan, we are currently working on our relationship, which is going ok, though there still is definetly an elephant in the room. I don't know how long it will take us to get past that, or really if ever we will.

My mom and I are also working on our relationship, which well we'll just say definetly has its up and downs. Today? Well today it has been down, that parts for sure. Things aren't always easy between us and right now our problems seem to be prominant than anything else, I just wish we could move past it all, and while I can forgive, I'm not sure that I can ever forget.

Work, work has been nuts. I can't wait until the holidays are over, this year they seem to be dragging on forever and I don't really know how much longer I have the energy to do this for. I called in today, merely for the fact that I haven't slept in days and I've stayed late every day for the past 3 weeks, its exhausting at times, most of the time really.

Things on the home front? Ehhhh at the moment they are very sketchy and I'm not sure exactly how much longer I can live like this, I love my uncle and I love my aunt and they are more like parents to me than my mother, but maybe her leaving isn't really such a bad idea, maybe then I could stop crying.

I just don't know at times, I'm not as strong as people think I am, and while I put on a good front, tears still escape at times that I'm not rather proud of. Today for example, and I'm not big on crying in front of people, but I let it go in front of Dan tonight.

But the wheels will turn on the road ahead, if it hurts at all, I haven't really showed it yet, so stop looking for that slight sign that I'm gonna miss what I left behind, I'd settle too.

The silence takes over the room

She calls him, no answer, she thinks its strange but tries not to think about it so much. She hops on the computer, checks her email, her facebook, edits some blog stuff, plays on myspace for awhile. Decides to leave him a cute message on his myspace.

She clicks on his page, as she scrolls down she notices someone new in his number one spot. Someone named Jessie, scrolls down and reads his latest comments, which reads: I had a good time talking to you too last night, I put you in my top friends.

Decides to click on said girls page and reads her boyfriends comment to the girl: You are a sweet girl, I really liked talking to you last night, hope we can do it again soon. Looking forward to this weekend.


Now she's intrigued, she sends said girl a message, tries to call her M.I.A. boyfriend, no answer still hmmmm?


Well unfortunatly the message she recieved back wasn't quite what she hoped for, neither was her pathetic boyfriends excuse to get out of it.

When he tried to flip it around on how she works too much (excuse me, one of us has to, we are having a baby) she gave up. Now she is single, at 19 with a baby on the way.

And she cries, harder than she thought she could have for him, maybe its that she's scared now?Maybe its that just last night they had the please don't hurt me convo?


Yeah it was a great day.

I promised

I promised myself I wouldn't let this bother me anymore, but then again I can't exactly control my dreams. I can't take Brandon out of them, I can't make him go away, at least not in that way.

I fought for sleep last night, with my insane work schedule lately I haven't been getting much sleep, not at all. I was lucky enough to fall asleep before 9 last night which would have given me a good 6 hrs, though if I had only known I would have just stayed awake.

This time it was spring, and it was right after we had gotten married ( we would have gotten married May 3rd 2008 ) and I'm not sure if we were on our honeymoon or where we were but we were in a room I didn't recongnize and it definetly looked like a hotel room.

See as much as Dan is able to make me feel safe, he doesn't touch the way Brandon was able to make me feel. We lay together, I on his chest and he held me. I let the tears fall from my eyes and he didn't even try to wipe them away. He just let them come, and he held me in my most vulnerable state.

I woke up to a very tear stained pillow, it was soaked through and unlike before I was still crying, it took me awhile to calm down, which just scared me more. I felt as though an elephant was sitting on my chest this morning and I couldn't breath.

SO my question: How long will take? before I can really let it all go? before my life can go back to being 100% normal?

Snow

I can smell it in the air today, I can feel the slight chill in the air and freshness of it all. It's coming late this year, but still its coming.

I can feel the ache in my toes, I can hear the songs in my head and I feel the warmth that it brings to me.

Something about this time of year is magical, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but it captivates me. It makes me want to do silly things, things I haven't done since I was a kid (or so I will let you believe) Like make a snowman, make snow angels, going sledding, and the annual snow walk.

See the annual snow walk; well it consists of walking at midnight, with starbucks, and eating doughnuts with almost lover and letting the magic captivate every inch of your body. This year I will be walking alone, that is unless Dan decides he wants to walk with me, or maybe Vanna, we'll see.

I just love you

The more I try to tell myself that I'm not really falling in love with Dan the harder I feel myself start to fall for him. I try to put it in my head that I'm moving too fast, though its been 5 months, god has it really been that long? But the truth? I just love him. This is the song he sang to me on my voicemail the other day :)

Lonely, yeah that's the word
I leave my heart when I leave her
The days go on forever and the nights do too



One evening out on the road
A half a world away from home
I thought she was sleeping
When the call came through

I said, Darling, it's late, is everything ok
Silence took over the room
Til she said



I... I just Love You
I Don't Know Why, I Just Do
When are you coming home
I'm coming home soon
And I just love you too


Lonely lets me be
For a while she sets me free
I close my eyes and I dream of her


She's lost in my arms
Her head on my heart
And softly she whispers the words


I...I just Love You
I Don't Know Why, I Just Do
When are you coming home
I'm coming home soon
And I just love you too


I'll never stop being amazed
How my 4-year old girl knows exactly what to say


I, I just Love You
I Don't Know Why, I Just Do
When are you coming home
I'm coming home soon
Cause I just love you too

On to more happier things...

Life is pretty good for the most part, the holiday season is in full swing. Working 6 days and still going strong, today is my one day off :) . So far? Work hasn't been too bad, though I seem to have more patience lately than I would usually have, which may be helping the situation. Once that wears off though, well we'll see how the situation progresses.

Dan I are doing pretty good, nothing too exciting lately. We haven't had sex in about two weeks, no because we're in a rut, just haven't really had the oppurtunity lately. Living at home definetly has its downfalls at times, a lot of times.

I'm still sick, I don't really know what's wrong with me. Instead of getting better I seem to just be getting worse, symptoms progressing and even new ones appearing, strange? I thought so.

Things that make me happy:

Starbucks :) having one in my store is starting to be a costly habit
Sleeping tonight, finally REALLY sleeping more than 4 hrs
Working Midnights, I really don't hate them, they're not so bad
Daniel Patrick, and his little surprises lately
The new Rascal Flatts CD
Finally having the same day off as Vanna so we can see each other
Ihop pumpkin pancakes
Getting hit on at the Olive Garden, I haven't been feeling especially pretty lately
The song "I just love you" by five for fighting, Dan sang it to me the other day
Football season almost being over (I love that he coaches but I'd like to see him too) playoffs almost are finally over
Leaving work at 9am and going to his house and crawling into bed with him
Watching him coach, those kids love him, better yet he loves those kids.

Desperation

Writing this it may be the hardest post I've ever written, it may be the hardest part of my past to uncover with you, and it may scare you the way, well the way it still terrifies me.

I was three, it was recently after my parents had divorced. It started so young, I was at his house for the weekend.

The rage between him and my mother was so thick you could taste it in the air. I knew when he picked me up that Friday, I knew that it would be a long weekend. I knew that something was going to happen, though I could have never thought it to be something that still haunts me.

They say that since it happened so young that my memory shouldn't be so vivid about it, if they only knew.

We had just finished painting my new bedroom, my dad laid on the bed, exhausted from his day, I lay next to him feeling safe in his arms. He looked at me and smiled, I felt the knot in my stomach knowing that something was wrong. Call it a childs intuiton if you will.

I felt his hand on my thigh, I tried to ignore it. I felt it creeping up and I felt it go inside my pants. I hear him saying "it'll be ok Cass, but you can't tell anyone, this is our little secret". I remember the sterness in his voice, how serious he was.

I won't tell you the details, because I don't think that anyone really wants to hear them. I went home and I told my mother, and I still remember her tears, the way she cried. I remember the exam from the doctor, and I remember my grandfather's eyes, the deepest look of sadness in them.

Few have I shared this with, though recently I did share it with Dan, who was more than supportive.