It's long overdue

I know this post is long overdue...but I think that maybe I truly am finally ready, hey I even put out my cigarette for this.

June 22nd 2007:

I went to work like any other day, 4am til eleven, I came home I talked to Brandon for 2 hrs, and he told me he thought he was still in love with me. I got off the phone and cried. I pulled myself together and went to my mom's, I wanted to check on her (at this point she had just come home from the hospital,( she almost died in a car accident on mother's day) She was still very sick, and my grandpa had just died after a 2 yr battle with lung cancer. Things in my life were slowly going back to normal again, though I was still unsure of whether or nor I was pregnant.

I bought a test at meijer and took it in the bathroom, its negative result stung. I didn't tell him that night, instead we talked for hrs about the possibility, and then he told me that he was falling in love with Chuck.

The baclofen was my uncles and after 40 pills I thought I would really be gone. I remember only seeing his face, that was all that mattered. I lost an entire day of my life. They say that people don't remember being on life support, that its just an empty hole in their minds, I beg to differ.

I remember EMS telling my aunt that they thought I was DOA (dead on arrival), I remember them talking to me, trying to calm me. I remember waking up in the hospital, the nurses trying to keep me from pulling out my trach, the thing that was breathing for me. I remember trying to get out of the restraints, the way I felt so trapped.

I remember my aunt rubbing my head, telling me that she loved me, that it was all going to be ok, that no one was mad. I remember the tears that streamed from my eyes and how they made my aunt leave, because she was upsetting me too much.

I remember the way they all talked to me the next day as I was fully awake, and now, now I must live with what I've done. I remember the lunch, where some of my best friends walked away from me, not wanting to deal with me. Mostly though I remember his and mine last conversation as he told me that he could no longer trust me and was sick of trying.

and all I said: Baby why don't you stay?