What now?

What do you do when you've found that one person? The one person who made life make sense, the one who knew me, truly knew every inch of me? What are you supposed to do when they're gone? What am I supposed to do with this hole in my heart? What am I supposed to do when I can't sleep because you haunt me?

Break Down Here

I have good days and bad days, some days I can laugh while others I feel as if though I can barely breath.

Yesterday was a bad day...it left me with tears in my eyes as I tried to fall asleep last night. On days when Dan is not with me, those are my worst days. When I'm with him, I can put Brandon to the back of my mind and just ignore it. Pretend like its not sitting there, eating at my soul like it truly is.

There is a guy at work that reminds me of Brandon, very much of him. From his smell, to his eyes, to his laugh, the way he draws me in sometimes...

I can still hear his voice, calming me, I wish he could still sing to me, I remember the way it made my heart flutter with joy, I don't know if I can give up on us now.

I know I can say we're through, tell myself I'm over you. But even if I made a vow, I promise not to miss you now, even if I try to hide the truth inside. I just can't live a lie.

I can't forget the look that tells me that you want me, or the reasons that make lovin you so easy? The kiss that always makes it hard to breath? Or the way you know just what I mean.

I want my life

Make it stop...make my dreams of him shatter.

I try
To be the woman I am
In times of broken lives
And shattered dreams and plans

Standing up to fight
The pressures and demands
Staring at the knife
And holding in your hand
What used to be your life

This world is crazy
My dreams are fading
I want my life

You fight
Your fucked up holy wars
Fire anti-christJesus will come down
And help us win tonight

Now how should I feelI think I feel alright
So tell me where to aim
I'm blinded by the light

This world is crazy
My dreams are fading
No one can save me
I want my life

And when I wake up you'll be here
And it will be the way it was

Dreams

Though yes, it is only Wednesday, this week has been extraordinarily long. I was off Labor Day :), but between Sunday and Tuesday i have worked DOUBLE the hrs that I was scheduled for this week and still have three days to go.

I got home at 4p.m. last night (I start work at 4am), collapsed on my bed due to exhaustion and fell asleep. I awoke at around 9:15pm startled by my dreams again. They're back...

Brandon and I were still together, things were going exceptionally well between us. We were at his cottage, we were living there. It was an absolutly beautiful place and His grandparents were living about a mile from us, they had come over for dinner. The dinner was nothing spectacular, but his grandparents were grateful that we had invited them over, after dessert they left. Brandon and I were laying on the couch together watching a movie, when he placed his hand on my stomach and asked how I was feeling.

I leaned over and kissed him and told him I was feeling better, that my nausea has subsided for the most part, but that I was very tired and thought about calling it a night. He agreed and we went upstairs together. We made passionate love, much like the night when we made love for the first time. Afterwards I collapsed into his arms, he held me tight and told me that I was his everything, and he sang that song to me...

I awoke with a start, my pillow wet again from the tears. In the darkness I reached for him, though I knew in my heart he wouldn't be there.

I rolled over and reached for my cigarettes, after lighting one I turned on the TV hoping to escape my mind from what I just dreamt, trying to not see more into it. I reached for my phone, debated calling him, but quickly decided against it.

I don't know why I'm dreaming about him again, I truthfully thought that I had moved past that, and am quite curious what triggered my dream last night. I know I thought about him a few times yesterday, maybe thats what caused it? I guess I'll never know. The rest of the night was Brandon free...I slept clear until 2:30 this morning when my alarm went off.

Ugh...

I'm so sick of being this tired, sometimes its overwhelming how my job can seem to take over my life. WIth the insane hrs that I work it doesn't allow much time for sleeping. I try to be in bed by 8p.m. at the absolute latest, so that I can rise at a stifling 2:30a.m. for work. It frustrates both Dan and I the lack of time we get to spend together because of our complete opposite schedules, I work 4 til whenever, while he works noon to 8ish. This makes our time together well yes much appreciated but too scarce or both our tastes. It involves many midnight meeting, much time just happy to be together, even if our eyes are closed and we're sleeping. I wish I could get a job with at least semi-normal business hrs.

Not to mention that the physical exertion of my job sometimes seems to consume me, and there are days that I could just crawl into my bed and sleep forever, too bad I really can't.

6 letter words

When I hear that word, it sent shivers through my spine, it makes my world stop, at the sound of the word my life stops instantly and I panic. It's a 6 letter word that has taken too many from me, its a word that ruins lives.

Reading it, this morning, it brought tears to my eyes. It took me back to the ones that its taken from me, just in the last year. It took me back to Sean, and it brought the lonliness I felt with it. It brought me back his smiling face, it took me back to some of the most wonderful moments of my life.

It brought back remembrance for my grandpa, it made me relive my childhood for just a few short moments.

But it also brought back the pain.

Please don't take Cindy too, she needs her too much...

Cancer.

It's long overdue

I know this post is long overdue...but I think that maybe I truly am finally ready, hey I even put out my cigarette for this.

June 22nd 2007:

I went to work like any other day, 4am til eleven, I came home I talked to Brandon for 2 hrs, and he told me he thought he was still in love with me. I got off the phone and cried. I pulled myself together and went to my mom's, I wanted to check on her (at this point she had just come home from the hospital,( she almost died in a car accident on mother's day) She was still very sick, and my grandpa had just died after a 2 yr battle with lung cancer. Things in my life were slowly going back to normal again, though I was still unsure of whether or nor I was pregnant.

I bought a test at meijer and took it in the bathroom, its negative result stung. I didn't tell him that night, instead we talked for hrs about the possibility, and then he told me that he was falling in love with Chuck.

The baclofen was my uncles and after 40 pills I thought I would really be gone. I remember only seeing his face, that was all that mattered. I lost an entire day of my life. They say that people don't remember being on life support, that its just an empty hole in their minds, I beg to differ.

I remember EMS telling my aunt that they thought I was DOA (dead on arrival), I remember them talking to me, trying to calm me. I remember waking up in the hospital, the nurses trying to keep me from pulling out my trach, the thing that was breathing for me. I remember trying to get out of the restraints, the way I felt so trapped.

I remember my aunt rubbing my head, telling me that she loved me, that it was all going to be ok, that no one was mad. I remember the tears that streamed from my eyes and how they made my aunt leave, because she was upsetting me too much.

I remember the way they all talked to me the next day as I was fully awake, and now, now I must live with what I've done. I remember the lunch, where some of my best friends walked away from me, not wanting to deal with me. Mostly though I remember his and mine last conversation as he told me that he could no longer trust me and was sick of trying.

and all I said: Baby why don't you stay?