In lue of new beginnings

I wish I could say that all the things I have wanted to accomplish I have overcame, but that statement is infact untrue. I stand (rather sit) here and wish I could tell you that I felt as though I was a changed person and that everything bad in my life had left me long ago. The preceeding statement then would also be untrue.

Is my life better? sure I suppose it is. I find that many times we don't realize how good something truly is in the moment that it is happening, but rather it is later down the line when it is too late to recapture it that we realize the significance of that moment.

Sometimes I feel as though I am strong and that my trunk is so thick that no amount of harm could blow me down, and sometimes I feel as though I am just a branch and just a little wind could knock me down. I want to be the tall strong tree, the one that is unbreakable. I am too scared too often to be this person, I do not have the support system I previously had and that makes me feel even weaker.

Change scares me, like most I am stuck in my ways and I truly believe that my way is the right way and though it may seem wrong I am the norm in my thinking.

In lue of the holidays...

So in lue of the holidays this year I am going to write a few things that I am thankful for:

Having Brandon in my life again.

My new nephew Jack Thomas

My family and how close we have become in the past year

My job, though frustrating at times.

The experiences I have had in the last year (specifically my time spent with Fran which in a later post I will update you on)

Xia (my cat, who truly is my baby)

Having Dan (even though at times we are shaky)

Baby you don't have to call me

As I sit here, I let myself wonder at what point it will truly ever be enough? At what point will I let go enough and decide that things with him just aren't worth it anymore? When will I decide that I am so much better than this, that I deserve everything that life can give me, and that life can give me so much better than him? I wish that I knew, god do I. She's pushing a wedge between us again and truthfully I have no idea what to even do anymore. I'm scared because honestly I know I am going to lose him its just a matter of time now. I am scared because I do not know what the hell to do anymore.

I am scared that without him I am going to be lost again, that I am not going to know what it is exactly that I need to do. I don't know how to move on, obviously if I did I would have left him a long time ago the first time that this happened.

Why can't I be enough for him? I don't honestly think I am ever going to be enough and I don't know what exactly I am going to do. I just know that I am scared, very very very scared. I am lost in this world and if only I knew what it is that I need to do, then maybe life will make sense again.

White Horse

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
As I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on The days drag on Stupid girl,
I should have known, I should have known

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

Baby I was naive,
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
Now I know

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

And there you are on your knees,
Begging for forgiveness,
begging for me
Just like I always wanted
but I'm sooo sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse,
to catch me now

Let me let go baby...

Let me let go baby, Let me let go.

FUCK YOU.

A little overdue...

So this post may be a little overdue but in lue of writing it I am excited/irked.

It has been one year one month and 8 eight days since my attempted suicide. Facts say that 65% of teenagers who attempy suicide will attempt in within one year after their first attempt, I am not one of those 65%.

Today yes, I do feel stronger. Has my life changed? Yes at least in some ways. I still have ups and I still have downs, but it has been a matter of how I have learned how to handle my downs.

Dan was what I thought was my rebound guy, but he is still a constant in my life, which is very good. Brandon is now back in my life, but as a friend now. I didn't honestly think we could ever get to that point, but I am so glad we did.

How long?

How long will it take for me to gain enough self respect to let go?



Yeah, I wish I knew the answer too.

Long Gone

It’s so like you just to show up at my door
And act like nothin’s happened
You think I’ll sweep my heart up off the floor
And give it to you
Like so many times before
You’re talking to a stranger
I’m not that girl anymore

That girl is long gone
Boy you missed the boat it just sailed away
Long gone
She’s not drowning in her yesterdays
Betcha never thought I’d be that strong
Well this girl is long gone

Don’t waste your breath with baby baby please
Cuz I am so not listening
Don’t bother getting down upon your knees and try to beg me
I’m tired of how you twist the truth
You’re not talking to the same girl
Who used to forgive you

Gone like the wind under Superman’s cape
Like a thief in the night I made the great escape
I’m not the kind of girl that keeps making the same mistakes

Things that make me smile lately...

Having Brandon back in my life, even if it is only as friends :)

Blaring loud music in the car

Dancing

Smoking Hookah

Bob's Boathouse :)

Sleeping in

I can't go there

I want to be ok...but how?

Never in my life have I wanted to hit someone like I do at this very moment in time!

Complicated words slippin off of your tongue and ain't one of them the truth...I'm still desperate for you.

Ugh...I take back my stance on being really really good, I'm just really really tired today and sick of fucking drama, thats for sure!

Lessons Learned

I am feeling extremly strong right now so here in this moment I will state to you my new goals:

Moving On, I will find someone who can treat me right

Going back to school in September

Finding a new job where I am happy

Getting my liscense

Paying off the rest of my debt

Moving Out

I haven't really set a date or anything for these goals, but I'm going to do them come hell or high water. I feel incredible today :) So yay for me!

Live with Lonesome

So as things wrap up with me and dan this is a new guy in the mix...his name is Jeff. He is a little older than me, well he's 32, but he's a really nice guy, and I think that it might be just what I'm looking for. So for now I feel good :)

Ugh, when will enough be enough?

In closing

Dan,

For me writing this letter, its hard and it hurts. I want to start by saying how much I love you, that in the future if you ever do need anything, I will do my best to help you in whatever it is. I will try my best to do whatever I can to help you in whatever situation it may be, of course depending on the circumstances.

I am a strong woman, and until I met you I would have never let a man do the things you have done to me. The lying, the cheating, none of it, I would have pushed him out the door the moment it happened. With you, I couldn't, I was too captivated, I let myself fall too far too fast for you.

I don't know what these girls have that I don't, and frankly I don't care. I am a good person, and I have done a lot for you, I have given you everything, even when I truly had nothing left to give, I always found some way to do what you needed.

When I gave you my heart, I asked you to be careful with it, because it had been broken, so many times before. You agreed to be careful with my fragilness, you agreed to never hurt me. Those were your exact words, "I will never hurt you". Now I stand here, staring at the pieces scattered on the floor wondering how and where to start to begin to piece them back together again.

You have to chose Dan, its me or her. I can't go through this. I have enough going on in my life outside of our relationship. I deserve someone who can cherish me, if you are unable to do that, then I think we should end this now. I know that you are still going out with her, that you took her on a date Saturday night, and like I said before, an open relationship does not mean you can have other relationships with girls. If you randomly screwed her at some party it would be one thing, but this is entirely different.

Don knows I am writing this letter, and it is dependent on whether or not you will return to work. If somehow in the next week and a half we can fix this, really fix this, then you are welcome to return, if not, then your spot will be filled. Kyle is on stand by already, just in case something does happen.

If this does not work, and we do go our seperate ways I want you to know a few things, I wish the best for you. I hope that you do find true happiness in life, I hope that you live your life to everything I know you can be. If somewhere down the road we do meet again, maybe we'll be ready then, and if so then I look forward to that moment. Don has said that if in the future we are able to fix things, really fix them you may then return to work, but he makes no promises about what job it is that will be waiting.

So I guess maybe you have some thinking to do, maybe you have some things that you need to really consider and analize, either way I wish you luck. I love you.

What you left behind

I don't understand...I just I don't know what to do anymore.

Why is it that I will never be enough? Why is it that no matter how much love I give, he can't give any back?

Why does he string me along like this, and better yet why do I let myself be strung?

Why can't I just let him go, move on, close my heart off to him?

Wby do I let myself shed tears over him?

Why don't I learn how to stand up for myself?

Why can't I just be strong and push him out of my life all together?

Why do I let myself settle?

Why is it so hard to love me?

Another day gone by with broke dreams

Where to begin?

Well I would like to start off by saying I'm strong, I'm levelheaded, and all in all I like to think that I am a good person. I get up every morning get the things that need to get done in life done. I try and push myself forward, even though right now the only thing that seems to make sense is to sleep the rest of my life away, to let myself drown in my sorrow and misery.

I love him, and I want things to be good, but I however truly believe we have reached the breaking point in our relationship, that things from this point on will never get better. I want life to make sense again, I want to move forward, but I can't.

Recently, the one year anniversary of my attempted suicide pasted, and I wonder to myself if things truly are any better now than they were then?

When they shine

So this post may be kind of long...I'm apologizing now for that and also for the fact that I have a tendency to ramble about nothings.

So things that are new? Well Larry has been gone now for four months, and yes they have been four VERY long months. I don't remember if I posted earlier on about how he has been visiting me lately, but he has and it has been frequent, dare I say that it really irks me?

The wise old man told me once that life will never make since, not until the end. I dare say that he is right about this for sure. Things with Dan are continually weirder and weirder everyday.

I heard "Tim McGraw" by Taylor Swift which makes my mind always wander back to Brandon...hmmmm

Vanna is due in October...ITS A BOY! and I'm pretty damn excited!