Where to begin?
Well I would like to start off by saying I'm strong, I'm levelheaded, and all in all I like to think that I am a good person. I get up every morning get the things that need to get done in life done. I try and push myself forward, even though right now the only thing that seems to make sense is to sleep the rest of my life away, to let myself drown in my sorrow and misery.
I love him, and I want things to be good, but I however truly believe we have reached the breaking point in our relationship, that things from this point on will never get better. I want life to make sense again, I want to move forward, but I can't.
Recently, the one year anniversary of my attempted suicide pasted, and I wonder to myself if things truly are any better now than they were then?
Showing posts with label Wise old man. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wise old man. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Friday, June 13, 2008
When they shine
So this post may be kind of long...I'm apologizing now for that and also for the fact that I have a tendency to ramble about nothings.
So things that are new? Well Larry has been gone now for four months, and yes they have been four VERY long months. I don't remember if I posted earlier on about how he has been visiting me lately, but he has and it has been frequent, dare I say that it really irks me?
The wise old man told me once that life will never make since, not until the end. I dare say that he is right about this for sure. Things with Dan are continually weirder and weirder everyday.
I heard "Tim McGraw" by Taylor Swift which makes my mind always wander back to Brandon...hmmmm
Vanna is due in October...ITS A BOY! and I'm pretty damn excited!
So things that are new? Well Larry has been gone now for four months, and yes they have been four VERY long months. I don't remember if I posted earlier on about how he has been visiting me lately, but he has and it has been frequent, dare I say that it really irks me?
The wise old man told me once that life will never make since, not until the end. I dare say that he is right about this for sure. Things with Dan are continually weirder and weirder everyday.
I heard "Tim McGraw" by Taylor Swift which makes my mind always wander back to Brandon...hmmmm
Vanna is due in October...ITS A BOY! and I'm pretty damn excited!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
If we're gonna make this work...
Why is it, that we wait so long for something, doing whatever it takes for us to get it. and then once we have it we realize that the chase is better than the prize?
Why is it that no matter how hard you try, not matter how hard you give, you can't make someone give back to you?
Why is it that I need him, more than he will ever need me?
Why is it that he can't want me, not that way I want him to?
Why is it that I will cry tears for him, and he will never even be shaken by losing me?
I don't understand anymore. I have given so much, sometimes more than I have to give, and in return he can't give an ounce of himself back to me? I don't doubt that he loves me, but sometimes I doubt his intentions and most of the time I doubt that he even wants to be in the same room with me.
Love, at first is exciting. There are butterflies, and you are nervous and every touch has sparks, and every kiss has fireworks, sex is awkward still, and you laugh together still. As time goes on you start to get comfortable, and those feelings start to fade, you don't touch as often, kisses are fewer and farther between, and affection fades.
Why is it that he can't love me the way that I love him? That wise old man told me once never to settle, no matter how much you love someone. Now I question myself, am I settling because I'm in love with him?
I have never questioned his relationship with her, though I know it has ended (good ole' myspace can tell me that) but I don't know why, or what happened or what made him come back to me. I don't know the things that he feels, mostly because he won't share those feelings with me.
Tonight, when he brought me home I felt as though something was ending, though really I know soon he will call and we will talk late into the night. I will pretend the fact that he never touches me anymore doesn't bother me and we will go on with our lives.
I'm afraid to be without him. I don't question my love for him because I know that my love is true and it is pure and it is hopeful. I can't change him and I know that, but I don't understand where this is all going, why am I doing this to myself when I know truly in reality I am the one who will be hurt again.
The weight of the world on my shoulders and I write this, wondering where I am going with my life, and what I am accomplishing because especially lately I feel as though I am going nowhere. I wonder why I have to deal with all the bull and why I can't just let him go, and I wonder why, why can't he just love me? For me.
Why is it that no matter how hard you try, not matter how hard you give, you can't make someone give back to you?
Why is it that I need him, more than he will ever need me?
Why is it that he can't want me, not that way I want him to?
Why is it that I will cry tears for him, and he will never even be shaken by losing me?
I don't understand anymore. I have given so much, sometimes more than I have to give, and in return he can't give an ounce of himself back to me? I don't doubt that he loves me, but sometimes I doubt his intentions and most of the time I doubt that he even wants to be in the same room with me.
Love, at first is exciting. There are butterflies, and you are nervous and every touch has sparks, and every kiss has fireworks, sex is awkward still, and you laugh together still. As time goes on you start to get comfortable, and those feelings start to fade, you don't touch as often, kisses are fewer and farther between, and affection fades.
Why is it that he can't love me the way that I love him? That wise old man told me once never to settle, no matter how much you love someone. Now I question myself, am I settling because I'm in love with him?
I have never questioned his relationship with her, though I know it has ended (good ole' myspace can tell me that) but I don't know why, or what happened or what made him come back to me. I don't know the things that he feels, mostly because he won't share those feelings with me.
Tonight, when he brought me home I felt as though something was ending, though really I know soon he will call and we will talk late into the night. I will pretend the fact that he never touches me anymore doesn't bother me and we will go on with our lives.
I'm afraid to be without him. I don't question my love for him because I know that my love is true and it is pure and it is hopeful. I can't change him and I know that, but I don't understand where this is all going, why am I doing this to myself when I know truly in reality I am the one who will be hurt again.
The weight of the world on my shoulders and I write this, wondering where I am going with my life, and what I am accomplishing because especially lately I feel as though I am going nowhere. I wonder why I have to deal with all the bull and why I can't just let him go, and I wonder why, why can't he just love me? For me.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Some more things that wise old man taught me
Forgive yourself your mistakes. You learn from them, and with any luck you’ll have got them out your system when you’re young, and won’t have to bother with a mid-life crisis.
Don’t define yourself through anyone else. Work out what you’re all about, and look for someone to complement you, not to complete you.
Be honest with yourself and others. You don’t have to be flawless and perfect to be loved and appreciated. And there’s nothing wrong with making people work for it it a bit, sometimes.
There’s plenty of time for everything. This is the great mystery of life, and you won’t find it out for a while. You don’t need to pack everything into now, and even if you do, so much of it will be wasted on you until you learn how to really savour it.
He doesn’t think you’re beautiful because he loves you. You are beautiful. But he does love you and that’s OK.
You’re a girl. Appreciate how lucky you are at this time in history. You can do anything and be anything you want to. Go and get the world, and beat it into submission. Or not. Whatever you want.
Know what you want, and know how to get it. Men love that kind of thing.
You have amazing gifts: you are immensely charming, astoundingly articulate and mind-bogglingly manipulative. Use your powers for good, sweetie. Please.
Know who you are. No one else will ever get it right, so don’t depend on them.
Never stop kicking against the pricks, speaking up for what you believe in, and standing up to be counted. Never forget that respect is earned, not given.
Don’t define yourself through anyone else. Work out what you’re all about, and look for someone to complement you, not to complete you.
Be honest with yourself and others. You don’t have to be flawless and perfect to be loved and appreciated. And there’s nothing wrong with making people work for it it a bit, sometimes.
There’s plenty of time for everything. This is the great mystery of life, and you won’t find it out for a while. You don’t need to pack everything into now, and even if you do, so much of it will be wasted on you until you learn how to really savour it.
He doesn’t think you’re beautiful because he loves you. You are beautiful. But he does love you and that’s OK.
You’re a girl. Appreciate how lucky you are at this time in history. You can do anything and be anything you want to. Go and get the world, and beat it into submission. Or not. Whatever you want.
Know what you want, and know how to get it. Men love that kind of thing.
You have amazing gifts: you are immensely charming, astoundingly articulate and mind-bogglingly manipulative. Use your powers for good, sweetie. Please.
Know who you are. No one else will ever get it right, so don’t depend on them.
Never stop kicking against the pricks, speaking up for what you believe in, and standing up to be counted. Never forget that respect is earned, not given.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
An Old Man
A wise old man taught me three simple rules about life:
1.) It will always be ok, no matter what it is, no it might not turn out like you wanted or how you planned it, but it will be ok.
2.) Boys will always be assholes, its just about finding the one who's worth putting up with
3.) As long as you have one true friend your doing better than the rest of the world (and as he said, I have at least 5)
A girl sits in the bathroom of her local target store (also her place of work) staring at the test, willing it to change its results, because she knows her life is about to change forever and all because of this stupid stick she peed on
1.) It will always be ok, no matter what it is, no it might not turn out like you wanted or how you planned it, but it will be ok.
2.) Boys will always be assholes, its just about finding the one who's worth putting up with
3.) As long as you have one true friend your doing better than the rest of the world (and as he said, I have at least 5)
A girl sits in the bathroom of her local target store (also her place of work) staring at the test, willing it to change its results, because she knows her life is about to change forever and all because of this stupid stick she peed on
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