Another day gone by with broke dreams

Where to begin?

Well I would like to start off by saying I'm strong, I'm levelheaded, and all in all I like to think that I am a good person. I get up every morning get the things that need to get done in life done. I try and push myself forward, even though right now the only thing that seems to make sense is to sleep the rest of my life away, to let myself drown in my sorrow and misery.

I love him, and I want things to be good, but I however truly believe we have reached the breaking point in our relationship, that things from this point on will never get better. I want life to make sense again, I want to move forward, but I can't.

Recently, the one year anniversary of my attempted suicide pasted, and I wonder to myself if things truly are any better now than they were then?

If we're gonna make this work...

Why is it, that we wait so long for something, doing whatever it takes for us to get it. and then once we have it we realize that the chase is better than the prize?

Why is it that no matter how hard you try, not matter how hard you give, you can't make someone give back to you?

Why is it that I need him, more than he will ever need me?

Why is it that he can't want me, not that way I want him to?

Why is it that I will cry tears for him, and he will never even be shaken by losing me?

I don't understand anymore. I have given so much, sometimes more than I have to give, and in return he can't give an ounce of himself back to me? I don't doubt that he loves me, but sometimes I doubt his intentions and most of the time I doubt that he even wants to be in the same room with me.

Love, at first is exciting. There are butterflies, and you are nervous and every touch has sparks, and every kiss has fireworks, sex is awkward still, and you laugh together still. As time goes on you start to get comfortable, and those feelings start to fade, you don't touch as often, kisses are fewer and farther between, and affection fades.

Why is it that he can't love me the way that I love him? That wise old man told me once never to settle, no matter how much you love someone. Now I question myself, am I settling because I'm in love with him?

I have never questioned his relationship with her, though I know it has ended (good ole' myspace can tell me that) but I don't know why, or what happened or what made him come back to me. I don't know the things that he feels, mostly because he won't share those feelings with me.

Tonight, when he brought me home I felt as though something was ending, though really I know soon he will call and we will talk late into the night. I will pretend the fact that he never touches me anymore doesn't bother me and we will go on with our lives.

I'm afraid to be without him. I don't question my love for him because I know that my love is true and it is pure and it is hopeful. I can't change him and I know that, but I don't understand where this is all going, why am I doing this to myself when I know truly in reality I am the one who will be hurt again.

The weight of the world on my shoulders and I write this, wondering where I am going with my life, and what I am accomplishing because especially lately I feel as though I am going nowhere. I wonder why I have to deal with all the bull and why I can't just let him go, and I wonder why, why can't he just love me? For me.

I just love you

The more I try to tell myself that I'm not really falling in love with Dan the harder I feel myself start to fall for him. I try to put it in my head that I'm moving too fast, though its been 5 months, god has it really been that long? But the truth? I just love him. This is the song he sang to me on my voicemail the other day :)

Lonely, yeah that's the word
I leave my heart when I leave her
The days go on forever and the nights do too



One evening out on the road
A half a world away from home
I thought she was sleeping
When the call came through

I said, Darling, it's late, is everything ok
Silence took over the room
Til she said



I... I just Love You
I Don't Know Why, I Just Do
When are you coming home
I'm coming home soon
And I just love you too


Lonely lets me be
For a while she sets me free
I close my eyes and I dream of her


She's lost in my arms
Her head on my heart
And softly she whispers the words


I...I just Love You
I Don't Know Why, I Just Do
When are you coming home
I'm coming home soon
And I just love you too


I'll never stop being amazed
How my 4-year old girl knows exactly what to say


I, I just Love You
I Don't Know Why, I Just Do
When are you coming home
I'm coming home soon
Cause I just love you too

Safest Place to Hide

When Pancho asked about my wants, my desires it sent me thinking, and honestly since I haven't stopped, this post will be long but I won't apologize. Its a hard one for me to write.

I think that humans crave just a few simple things; Food, sleep, love and other human contact. Obviously I am completly fine fufilling the first two on my own. I can both feed myeslf and fall asleep.

When I talk about love I'm not talking about puppy dog love, I'm talking about deep emotional unconditional love. The kind where you are deeply connected to someone. This kind of love breaks through the barriers, and leaves you connected to a person in a way that you yourself never really felt posssible.

I want to be someone's everything, I want to be the firs thing on his mind when he wakes up, the last thing on his mind when he goes to bed and everything else in between. I don't want him to think, but to know that I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, both inside and out. I want him to know when something's wrong and he's in 2,000 miles away just because he can feel it.

I want to be able to get lost in his eyes, in his arms and in his heart. I want to feel safe when he holds me, I want to be his world. I want to come before his friends, though its still important that he keeps friends, I want him to come home after a night with the boys and say "baby I'm just glad to be home" I want his love to be enough, to be enough to satisfy that ultimate place in my heart, it must be someone who can be my better half.

I want someone who can compliment me, not take away what I have to offer the world. When he looks at me, I want him to feel like he's the lucky one. I want him to think that his search is over, because no one can ever be as amazing as me. I want him to make passionate love to me, not just have sex, I want there to be that soul-connection, I want to feel ultimatley close to him while we make love, to feel the ultimate connection.

I want him to look into my eyes every night and think about how beautiful I am. I want him want to change absolutley nothing about me, because I am as perfect as he wants. I want him to be sensitive enough to understand my needs as a woman, but also to have a masculine side to him, a protective side.

When we're 50, I want him to still look at me and think the things he thought when we were twenty. I want him to think that age has only improved me. I want him to think that I've only made his life better and to have no regrets. I want him to be more in love with me than he's ever been.

I think because of my past with my father (I will post about this at a later date) my whole life I have felt threatened by men, until I met Brandon. You may think the above doesn't exist, but have experienced it myself I would have to tell you that your wrong, because I know it does. I have felt it, and when losing it, it creates the biggest hole, the deepest emptiness you could ever imagine feeling.

I want him to be my safest place to hide.

When you say nothing at all

Things with Dan and I have been exceptionally good lately, I haven't really thought of Brandon too much lately, let alone miss him. A recap of the other night:

We're currently apartment searching, we finally found the perfect one. In celebration we went furniture shopping, which actually turned out to be fun, he didn't complain once (probably because he knows hes getting that damn 40' HD flat screen).

We stopped by to visit Ann and Larry (my best friends parents) just to hang out and well mostly cause they keep calling cause they miss us. One moment that sticks in my mind is as follows:
Larry (who works 16 hr days 6 days a week) was enjoying his one day off and was drunk. He absolutly loves Dan, looks at me and asks if I'm ok, I assure him I'm just overtired. He looks at Dan and says don't worry baby, I know he'll take care of you. Dan looks me in the eye and says I will take care of her, you don't have to worry Larry. She is my everything.
Soon after we left.

We went to starbucks and our ritual rather than sit inside with the overly hyper high school kids is that we park behind starbucks and talk. This is one of my favorite things, we get to really talk, about whatever.

Halfway through our conversation though I ruined the moment. I had my hand on his thigh and had been slowly inching it toward his crotch. I was getting close...

He leaned in and kissed me, in a way he never had before. I can't really explain what I felt in that kiss, but it was def more than I expected. We made love in his car, yes I said made love. There is a very distinct difference between making love and having sex, and this is the first time we have made love.

Needless to say...it was a good night. It made going to work with only an hr and a half of sleep not so horrible (the 3 hrs nap after work helped too). I'm off tonight...which means I will catch up on my sleep. I hope tonight I'm dreaming of him and not Brandon, because I think finally my heart may be healing.