Freshman Year

I lay on the floor, wishing for the room to stop spinning. I lay wondering if maybe this is the one time that I did too much, the one time that I took it too far. I tried to think back, tried to remember exactly how many pills I had taken, and what exactly I had taken. I wondered if smoking pot on top of taking the pills is what made me feel so sick, or if maybe it was the coke, or even quite possibly the alcohol?
I could feel my heart racing in my chest, wondering if it was really possible for my chest to explode. I wondered if getting high could really kill me. I tried to reach for the garbage can, I knew what was coming; I could taste its sweet saltiness in my mouth. I stretch out my arm as far as I can, wondering where it could possibly be; maybe someone else was using it.
I try to roll over on my side, I know the risk of lying on my back, and I could die from choking on my own vomit. I try to call for help; my mouth can’t seem to remember how to form words. My mind is racing frantically as I try to will myself to roll over.
Eventually I give up, accepting my fate. I know that I am going to die, lying here on this floor, where am I again? I can’t remember where I am, or even who is here with me, I wonder if maybe I’m alone. I must be alone; if someone else were here they would have come to help me by now.



The sun is shining brightly through the window; I try to open my eyes, but the light makes them burn. I look around trying to figure out where I am. I don’t recognize anything, I don’t remember much from the night before. I’m in someone’s bed and there is a guy lying next to me. I will my mind to try and just remember what happened; I just draw a blank.
I look around to see if anyone else is here, there’s no one in the room with us. Realizing that I have to pee, I go in search for the bathroom. Walking down the hallway I realize that I have never been here before, or if I have I simply can’t remember it.
There are people lying on the floor in the living room, a few on the couch, and one on the kitchen table. I try to think back to what exactly we did last night, but I can’t seem to remember anything at all. Finally finding the bathroom, I realize that there is someone asleep in the bathtub, and someone on the floor. Stepping over the person on the floor, I shut the shower curtain and go to the bathroom.
I look around, trying to find someone I know. I finally find Tina, who is sleeping on the kitchen floor. I nudge her, trying to wake her. She stares at me confused about what’s going on. I get her a glass of water and she sits up. “What happened last night?” I ask. She looks at me confusingly, “I don’t really remember Cass”.
“Do you know where we are?” I ask her frantically, “The only thing I remember is doing a line with you at your house before we even left”, I vaguely remember back to yesterday, we had done a line of coke in my basement and Ian had called and said he was going to pick us up. “You don’t remember anything after that?” “I remember going to Piercy’s to make a deal, but other than that I don’t know anything”.
“We need to find Ian, do you think he’s still here?” she asks, “I haven’t seen him, but there’s a ton of people here”. I help Tina get up off the floor; wondering how she ended up there. I know that really it doesn’t matter, I’m the one that woke up in bed with some strange guy. I pray that I wasn’t stupid enough to do anything with him, if Ian found out; he would kill him.
We walk down the hall, I want to show Tina the strange guy, we walk quietly into the bedroom. “Do you know who he is?” I whisper to Tina, she nods her head. “I think his name is Jon, he was a friend of Ian’s a long time ago”. I wonder why she said was, but too confused to think, we continue on our search for Ian.
Searching the bedrooms, the kitchen and living room we eventually find Ian passed out on the basement floor. I lay down next to him and put my arms around him, it was the first night we had spent apart in months. He opens his eyes and smiles at me, “I couldn’t find you last night, I looked all over for you”, “I feel asleep in one of the bedrooms on the floor” I reply. He rolls over on his side and kisses me.
“Are you ready to go?” he asks me gently, “Please, I just want to get out of here” I hear myself say. We drop Tina off at home, and go back to Ian’s to get some real sleep. “Do you remember what happened last night?” I ask him, knowing that he always remembers. He rolls over and looks in my eyes, “You don’t remember?” he asks me, “I don’t remember anything after leaving Piercy’s last night”.
“We called Corey and he told us Diamond’s having a party and we went over there”, confused I reply “we weren’t at Diamond’s house this morning though”. “We went to Diamond’s did a few lines, drank a little and then we headed over to Corey’s girlfriend’s house”. I realized then that was why I didn’t realize where we were this morning, Corey has a new girlfriend every other week, I obviously I hadn’t met this one.
“I hate not being able to remember things, it always scares me”, Ian cuddles up to me and holds me close. “Everything is fine baby, I would never let anything happen to you, you know that right?”, I wanted to believe him, but I knew last night had been a prime example of why I was scared. “I know you wouldn’t” I hear myself say, trying to disguise my doubt. “Are you ok?” he asks, “yeah just really really tired”.
I wake up a few hours later and glance at the clock, realizing that its 2 in the afternoon I wonder how long we’ve been sleeping. I know his mom will be home soon, which means that she will wonder where we were last night, and I knew I didn’t want to be the one explaining it to her.
I nudge Ian, “it’s almost 2, your mom will be home soon.” He moans something about 10 more minutes, and I nudge him harder. “What’s wrong baby?” he asks me as I start yelling at him, “nothing” I reply. “All morning you’ve been actin’ really weird, what’s goin’ on with you? Did you start or something?” Now annoyed with him, I roll over and face the wall, I know he knows there’s something up and I know my eyes will give me away.
Judas lives in my eyes, I swear to it. They’re traitors, they give me away, always, there’s no hiding. I’ve tried for years to be able to consume the power in them, to learn how to control they’re magical essence, but I can’t. One look at them and you will, you will know everything, they truly are the windows to my soul.
“Your mom’s gonna be home soon” I remind him, “she’s gonna wanna know where we were last night”. “I’m gonna tell her we stayed at Diamond’s” he answers. He cuddles up close to me, rubs my back, I know what he wants. “I’m gonna go take a shower before your mom gets home” I tell him, “Ok, I’ll come with you” knowing that he knows me all to well, refusing the invitation would set off a panic alarm in his head.
I grab two towels from the closet, start the water in the shower. Ian puts his arms around me, kissing the back of my neck. He slides his hands up my stomach and to my breasts, he turns me around. Now he’s kissing me, hard, He unsnaps my bra, takes off my shirt, I assist him in removing his clothes.
We move into the shower, the hot water feels soothing on my tired body. He’s kissing my breast now, moving his hand downward, now he’s kissing me again, his hands in secret places. We finish our shower, wrap ourselves in towels and move into the bedroom. He’s laying on top me now, I can feel his hardness against my thigh. “Make love to me” he whispers in my ear, I kiss him.
He slides his hardness inside of me, he moans with pleasure. He’s sliding in and out, gaining momentum. I know any moment it will be over, I try to enjoy it, not let my mind wonder back to the night before. He moans deeply, and its over.
I roll over on my side, lay under the covers. I close my eyes, let my mind wander back to the night before a little, if only I could remember what happened. My conscious is eating away at me, I have to know. I weigh the consequences in my mind, I know that if I tell him he’ll be upset, and I don’t want to hurt him. I hear the front door open.
I wrap myself tighter in the blanket and close my eyes, I know he’s going to lie to her and she’ll know if she looks at me. There’s a knock at the bedroom door, “you guys decent?” I hear her ask, “c’mon in Ma” I hear him reply. “Cass is still asleep? That’s not like her”, she knows I never sleep. “We were up really late last night” I hear Ian mumble, “Where were you last night?” “We just crashed at Diamonds, we drank a little” I hear him lie to her. “Well then I’m glad you stayed, you know how I feel about you drinking and driving”. She wasn’t lying, we’d had the lecture at least 5 different times.
I hear Ian’s lighter, and I know they’re sitting and smoking together. I roll over, pull the blanket against my breasts and open my eyes. “Well good morning” she says to me, I smile at her and ask her how work was. She goes on about some guy looking for some plant, and I tune her out. Ian lights a cigarette and hands it to me, he knows that his mom can talk forever. She asks me if I’m ok, says I seem a little bit distant, I remind her that we drank the night before and that I was just tired.
I know she see’s right through me, I know she can tell I’m lying and I prepare myself for the questions she’ll ask me later when we’re alone. I know that I could tell her anything, that she won’t judge me, or tell Ian, but that she’ll listen and try to understand. She was always like that though, she my mother was how, how we were barely even on a talking basis. She tried her best to do what she could to help me.
I wait for him to fall back asleep, uncovering myself I realize how cold it is. Hurriedly I find sweat pants and a hoodie, then go on a scavenger hunt for socks. I tiptoe around the bed and sneak out the door. I grab my cigarettes from my pocket and light one as I walk to the kitchen, I look around for Debbie. She’s in the kitchen, at the counter, where she always is.
“Hey girlie” she says to me, I smile at her sheepishly, and try not to look her in the eye. “What happened last night Cass?” she says as she looks at me avoiding her eye contact. “I don’t know mom, I don’t know what to do” and I can feel the sting in my eyes as the tears start to roll down my cheeks. “I woke up this morning and I was laying in someone else’s bed , with some guy I don’t know”. She looks at me across the counter and I can tell she’s trying to find the right words to say. She knows how sensitive I am, that the smallest thing can send me over the edge and I’ll start bawling.
“Well did you try and talk to him?” she finally asks me, “no, we left before he was awake” I tell her. “Are you going to tell Ian?” she asks, “You know how he is mom, you know how bad that would hurt him”, “He loves you Cass, he really loves you and your right it would hurt him, but don’t you think he should know?”, “What am I going to do mom? If I tell him it will crush him, but at the same time if I don’t what if he finds from someone else? The worst part is that I don’t even know what happened”.
I help Debbie make dinner, we stand at the counter and cut up cucumbers together. We talk about stupid things, about how cold it is, how its only August and its only 60 degrees outside. I’ve never been part of a family until Ian and I started dating, his family welcomed me with open arms, and had never turned their backs on me in any situation.
I left Debbie in the kitchen, and slowly opened the bedroom door, I crawled into bed next to Ian and wrapped my arms around him.