I promised

I promised myself I wouldn't let this bother me anymore, but then again I can't exactly control my dreams. I can't take Brandon out of them, I can't make him go away, at least not in that way.

I fought for sleep last night, with my insane work schedule lately I haven't been getting much sleep, not at all. I was lucky enough to fall asleep before 9 last night which would have given me a good 6 hrs, though if I had only known I would have just stayed awake.

This time it was spring, and it was right after we had gotten married ( we would have gotten married May 3rd 2008 ) and I'm not sure if we were on our honeymoon or where we were but we were in a room I didn't recongnize and it definetly looked like a hotel room.

See as much as Dan is able to make me feel safe, he doesn't touch the way Brandon was able to make me feel. We lay together, I on his chest and he held me. I let the tears fall from my eyes and he didn't even try to wipe them away. He just let them come, and he held me in my most vulnerable state.

I woke up to a very tear stained pillow, it was soaked through and unlike before I was still crying, it took me awhile to calm down, which just scared me more. I felt as though an elephant was sitting on my chest this morning and I couldn't breath.

SO my question: How long will take? before I can really let it all go? before my life can go back to being 100% normal?