Run away this time without you...

So a recent letter to Dan goes as follows:

I tried to call you, but I'm pretty sure that your sleeping, which is what I too would be doing if I didn't have to go to work. I'm sorry if you feel like I'm avoiding you, I'm not. I know you think you understand how I feel, but you do really?

Dan this has been so hard for me, within the last 3 weeks I've lost two of the most important people in my life. Though things with Brandon hadn't been good lately, his death hurt me more than I could have ever imagined it would.

In being upset I think that I keep trying to push you away because I'm scared, but unlike I thought your pushing back. I don't want to doubt us, but it scares me to get close to you, to let you in. I feel like because I'm vulnerable if I let you in it gives you the chance to hurt me, something that right now I'm not sure I could handle if it happened.

If you want in, then I will let you, but please make sure its what you want first. Please don't hurt me. We didn't get to really "date" before I was pregnant, and though this was an accident maybe its a blessing in disguise. Please make sure this is truly what you want, to be with me. If you decide it is, then I will stop pushing and I will let you, but know that I do nothing half heartedly, I will give it everything I have.Maybe your not ready for that? well you have to be the one to decide.

Moving to Chicago together is a huge step, please make sure your really ready. I know it all seems appealing, the money we have, the house, working for my grandpa, but please make sure its what you want. If you call later, I'll answer for you, but please only call if you want this, because to me your phone call will mean your ready.