If we're gonna make this work...

Why is it, that we wait so long for something, doing whatever it takes for us to get it. and then once we have it we realize that the chase is better than the prize?

Why is it that no matter how hard you try, not matter how hard you give, you can't make someone give back to you?

Why is it that I need him, more than he will ever need me?

Why is it that he can't want me, not that way I want him to?

Why is it that I will cry tears for him, and he will never even be shaken by losing me?

I don't understand anymore. I have given so much, sometimes more than I have to give, and in return he can't give an ounce of himself back to me? I don't doubt that he loves me, but sometimes I doubt his intentions and most of the time I doubt that he even wants to be in the same room with me.

Love, at first is exciting. There are butterflies, and you are nervous and every touch has sparks, and every kiss has fireworks, sex is awkward still, and you laugh together still. As time goes on you start to get comfortable, and those feelings start to fade, you don't touch as often, kisses are fewer and farther between, and affection fades.

Why is it that he can't love me the way that I love him? That wise old man told me once never to settle, no matter how much you love someone. Now I question myself, am I settling because I'm in love with him?

I have never questioned his relationship with her, though I know it has ended (good ole' myspace can tell me that) but I don't know why, or what happened or what made him come back to me. I don't know the things that he feels, mostly because he won't share those feelings with me.

Tonight, when he brought me home I felt as though something was ending, though really I know soon he will call and we will talk late into the night. I will pretend the fact that he never touches me anymore doesn't bother me and we will go on with our lives.

I'm afraid to be without him. I don't question my love for him because I know that my love is true and it is pure and it is hopeful. I can't change him and I know that, but I don't understand where this is all going, why am I doing this to myself when I know truly in reality I am the one who will be hurt again.

The weight of the world on my shoulders and I write this, wondering where I am going with my life, and what I am accomplishing because especially lately I feel as though I am going nowhere. I wonder why I have to deal with all the bull and why I can't just let him go, and I wonder why, why can't he just love me? For me.

Fall in love with Jack Daniels again...

So since I have last wrote life has been, well its been a little crazy...

Dan and I broke up because, well because he doesn't know what a monogamous relationship is.

My place of work laid of 90 people, considering our company only consists of 105 people, it was a pretty huge layoff

My cat...oh where to start? well really I'm not sure what is wrong with her, but her fur is falling off, literally, in chunks. You can see her jaw bone.

Dan and I are back together after a 3 week seperation...How are things with us?? Ehhh about how they've always been so who knows whats going to happen, Though truly I do love him.

Rain on the window makes me lonely
Time keeps on passing so slowly
The old man sittin' next to me is fallin' asleep
On a Greyhound Bound For Nowhere

The sun's going down on my misery
Another day gone by with broken dreams
That cell phone I hear ringing, I keep wishing it was you
On a Greyhound Bound For Nowhere

That ring that you were wearing don't mean everything
The way that you stood starin' as you watched me roll away
She loves you and you need me and there some things we can't share
I'm on a Greyhound bound for nowhere

Bright lights of a city shining up ahead
My hearts analyzing everything you said
Did you take me for a fool or did you really care
I'm on a Greyhound bound for nowhere

Greyhound bound for nowhere

I write this letter to you, because I miss you and living my life without you, though it has only been a week has been unbearable.

Dan,

I gave you my life, I gave you my heart, the one that you promised so openly to protect. I warned you how it had been broken, that giving it back to you would be harder for me than anything I had ever done. You promised me that you would never let it drop, that you would hold it tight and cherish it. Now I stand here staring at the scattered pieces you left wondering where to begin. I don't know that truly its worth piecing together again, because if loving you only makes me feel this miserable how can it be right? I don't know how to start over, I don't want to start over, I just want to be lost in the arms that for the past 8 months have held me so close. I didn't make this mess on my own, but I am the only one standing here with a broom. I don't know why you felt the need to hurt me so much, in this way. I don't know what she has that I don't, or what she gives you that I so appearantly never could. I loved you, I still do really I just don't know how to move on from you or even how to move on. I have been so strong this week with that little bit of hope that you'd come back to me, but your silence has made it clear that your not. Daniel Patrick I love you and I wish the best for you, I hope that your not left here the way I am in tears and unable to eat, sleep, and barely breath.

On to more happier things...

Life is pretty good for the most part, the holiday season is in full swing. Working 6 days and still going strong, today is my one day off :) . So far? Work hasn't been too bad, though I seem to have more patience lately than I would usually have, which may be helping the situation. Once that wears off though, well we'll see how the situation progresses.

Dan I are doing pretty good, nothing too exciting lately. We haven't had sex in about two weeks, no because we're in a rut, just haven't really had the oppurtunity lately. Living at home definetly has its downfalls at times, a lot of times.

I'm still sick, I don't really know what's wrong with me. Instead of getting better I seem to just be getting worse, symptoms progressing and even new ones appearing, strange? I thought so.

Things that make me happy:

Starbucks :) having one in my store is starting to be a costly habit
Sleeping tonight, finally REALLY sleeping more than 4 hrs
Working Midnights, I really don't hate them, they're not so bad
Daniel Patrick, and his little surprises lately
The new Rascal Flatts CD
Finally having the same day off as Vanna so we can see each other
Ihop pumpkin pancakes
Getting hit on at the Olive Garden, I haven't been feeling especially pretty lately
The song "I just love you" by five for fighting, Dan sang it to me the other day
Football season almost being over (I love that he coaches but I'd like to see him too) playoffs almost are finally over
Leaving work at 9am and going to his house and crawling into bed with him
Watching him coach, those kids love him, better yet he loves those kids.

Inspirational thoughts

So I got inspired by Perv

Places I've had sex:

My dad's house
My aunt's house
Dan's Car
Brian's Car
My apartment
Brandon's parents house
Dad's House
My uncle's apartment
The bathroom at the library
In Alisha's grandma's house
Chelsea's parents house
Chris' House in the basement on the pool table
Dan's House
Ian's parents House
Ian's Car
My parents apartment
Our old house in R.E.D.

I think thats it...I'll add more as I remember them

Don't make me let you go

So as I lay awake last night thinking about the last week or so, thinking about how weird life has been lately I think I may have come to a realization, which follows below;

For awhile, at least at first I stayed with Dan for what I thought was the sex, because I needed human contact, I needed touch. Now I realize differently, its not the sex, its in that moment afterward. The distinct moment in which I feel absolutley safe, that nothing can touch me, that it really all will be ok.

Recently (about the last 2 weeks) life has been really rocky, there have been some rough patches, speed bumps in my path. Dan being my main comfort, I think I'm letting myself fall for him, and I don't even really know that if in my life I'm ready for love, at least not yet.

Is it too soon since Brandon? Is my heart ready for this? I'm not sure, because my wounds still really haven't healed. Only time will tell.

When you say nothing at all

Things with Dan and I have been exceptionally good lately, I haven't really thought of Brandon too much lately, let alone miss him. A recap of the other night:

We're currently apartment searching, we finally found the perfect one. In celebration we went furniture shopping, which actually turned out to be fun, he didn't complain once (probably because he knows hes getting that damn 40' HD flat screen).

We stopped by to visit Ann and Larry (my best friends parents) just to hang out and well mostly cause they keep calling cause they miss us. One moment that sticks in my mind is as follows:
Larry (who works 16 hr days 6 days a week) was enjoying his one day off and was drunk. He absolutly loves Dan, looks at me and asks if I'm ok, I assure him I'm just overtired. He looks at Dan and says don't worry baby, I know he'll take care of you. Dan looks me in the eye and says I will take care of her, you don't have to worry Larry. She is my everything.
Soon after we left.

We went to starbucks and our ritual rather than sit inside with the overly hyper high school kids is that we park behind starbucks and talk. This is one of my favorite things, we get to really talk, about whatever.

Halfway through our conversation though I ruined the moment. I had my hand on his thigh and had been slowly inching it toward his crotch. I was getting close...

He leaned in and kissed me, in a way he never had before. I can't really explain what I felt in that kiss, but it was def more than I expected. We made love in his car, yes I said made love. There is a very distinct difference between making love and having sex, and this is the first time we have made love.

Needless to say...it was a good night. It made going to work with only an hr and a half of sleep not so horrible (the 3 hrs nap after work helped too). I'm off tonight...which means I will catch up on my sleep. I hope tonight I'm dreaming of him and not Brandon, because I think finally my heart may be healing.

You've have been the one

As I lay with him tonight, I lay on his chest and let him hold me. Something that until tonight I had hardly let him do. I let his smell capture me, his rough facial hair caress me, and I let him consume me in a way I had yet to.

I took his kiss for everything it was worth, I moaned as he played with my tongue ring, something he had never done before. I let the warmth of his body warm my own, and I let my heart capture that moment, because in that moment I realized that everything, no matter how screwed up, would be ok.