Leave the Pieces When you Go...

I write this tonight, not completly positive as to where I stand. At this moment in time I'm not exactly sure how I feel or if I even have the right to feel this way. I am in my dark place right now, and its hard to see clearly still.

In my hour of need, of despartion I look around and I'm not sure where to turn or where I'm supposed to go. I'm not sure where to look or what hand I should be grabbing.
I don't know where to go in my hour of darkness or who to let hold onto me.

I'm not sure that really I should be surprised but for some reason I let myself be. I let this fear of him overwhelm me, I let it consume every inch of my being.

because I'm so stupid but being without him in my life is unbearable im so miserable without him I know he's cheating I KNOW and I won't let myself say anything because I don't want to lose him.

If we're gonna make this work...

Why is it, that we wait so long for something, doing whatever it takes for us to get it. and then once we have it we realize that the chase is better than the prize?

Why is it that no matter how hard you try, not matter how hard you give, you can't make someone give back to you?

Why is it that I need him, more than he will ever need me?

Why is it that he can't want me, not that way I want him to?

Why is it that I will cry tears for him, and he will never even be shaken by losing me?

I don't understand anymore. I have given so much, sometimes more than I have to give, and in return he can't give an ounce of himself back to me? I don't doubt that he loves me, but sometimes I doubt his intentions and most of the time I doubt that he even wants to be in the same room with me.

Love, at first is exciting. There are butterflies, and you are nervous and every touch has sparks, and every kiss has fireworks, sex is awkward still, and you laugh together still. As time goes on you start to get comfortable, and those feelings start to fade, you don't touch as often, kisses are fewer and farther between, and affection fades.

Why is it that he can't love me the way that I love him? That wise old man told me once never to settle, no matter how much you love someone. Now I question myself, am I settling because I'm in love with him?

I have never questioned his relationship with her, though I know it has ended (good ole' myspace can tell me that) but I don't know why, or what happened or what made him come back to me. I don't know the things that he feels, mostly because he won't share those feelings with me.

Tonight, when he brought me home I felt as though something was ending, though really I know soon he will call and we will talk late into the night. I will pretend the fact that he never touches me anymore doesn't bother me and we will go on with our lives.

I'm afraid to be without him. I don't question my love for him because I know that my love is true and it is pure and it is hopeful. I can't change him and I know that, but I don't understand where this is all going, why am I doing this to myself when I know truly in reality I am the one who will be hurt again.

The weight of the world on my shoulders and I write this, wondering where I am going with my life, and what I am accomplishing because especially lately I feel as though I am going nowhere. I wonder why I have to deal with all the bull and why I can't just let him go, and I wonder why, why can't he just love me? For me.

Greyhound bound for nowhere

I write this letter to you, because I miss you and living my life without you, though it has only been a week has been unbearable.

Dan,

I gave you my life, I gave you my heart, the one that you promised so openly to protect. I warned you how it had been broken, that giving it back to you would be harder for me than anything I had ever done. You promised me that you would never let it drop, that you would hold it tight and cherish it. Now I stand here staring at the scattered pieces you left wondering where to begin. I don't know that truly its worth piecing together again, because if loving you only makes me feel this miserable how can it be right? I don't know how to start over, I don't want to start over, I just want to be lost in the arms that for the past 8 months have held me so close. I didn't make this mess on my own, but I am the only one standing here with a broom. I don't know why you felt the need to hurt me so much, in this way. I don't know what she has that I don't, or what she gives you that I so appearantly never could. I loved you, I still do really I just don't know how to move on from you or even how to move on. I have been so strong this week with that little bit of hope that you'd come back to me, but your silence has made it clear that your not. Daniel Patrick I love you and I wish the best for you, I hope that your not left here the way I am in tears and unable to eat, sleep, and barely breath.

The Haunting

Tonight...tonight it haunts me, more than it has in a long time. Sometimes I can't believe how much I miss him, sometimes I can't believe how after so long it can hurt this much, or how the tears can fall so easily, how I can miss his touch, I miss the way his skin feels against mine, his breath against the back of my neck...

Snowballs

had a dream last night:It was snowing, I was walking in it, trying to clear my head. i was standing in a field and across the field I could see you, you reached out for me, but I wouldn't take your hands. You said everything would be ok, not to worry.

You reached your gloved hands out and try to put your arms around me, I let you pull me close and I cried on your chest. You started playing with my hair, and I seemed to realize what was happening, and I pulled away from you. I looked you in the eye, and I don't think I will ever forget how blue they were at that moment, I told you no. A single tear rolled down your cheek and I wiped it away.

I reminded you that you left me, that you walked away, and it seemed as though you realized the gravity of losing me, which now I wonder if you ever will.

i woke up at 1:30 to a tear soaked pillow, I don't know how long I had been crying, Today, the lump rises in my throat as I think of the things that I have to do, because I know you won't. its not really that I want to tell them, but if I don't i don't think that I'll be ok. it's not about pissing you off, not at all. In fact I don't hate you, or resent you, I just miss you. I wish someone could fill up these holes, I really did believe you were the one, in fact I still do, which is probably why I'm havng such a hard time with this.