Never in my life have I wanted to hit someone like I do at this very moment in time!

Complicated words slippin off of your tongue and ain't one of them the truth...I'm still desperate for you.

Ugh...I take back my stance on being really really good, I'm just really really tired today and sick of fucking drama, thats for sure!

Lessons Learned

I am feeling extremly strong right now so here in this moment I will state to you my new goals:

Moving On, I will find someone who can treat me right

Going back to school in September

Finding a new job where I am happy

Getting my liscense

Paying off the rest of my debt

Moving Out

I haven't really set a date or anything for these goals, but I'm going to do them come hell or high water. I feel incredible today :) So yay for me!

Live with Lonesome

So as things wrap up with me and dan this is a new guy in the mix...his name is Jeff. He is a little older than me, well he's 32, but he's a really nice guy, and I think that it might be just what I'm looking for. So for now I feel good :)

Ugh, when will enough be enough?

In closing

Dan,

For me writing this letter, its hard and it hurts. I want to start by saying how much I love you, that in the future if you ever do need anything, I will do my best to help you in whatever it is. I will try my best to do whatever I can to help you in whatever situation it may be, of course depending on the circumstances.

I am a strong woman, and until I met you I would have never let a man do the things you have done to me. The lying, the cheating, none of it, I would have pushed him out the door the moment it happened. With you, I couldn't, I was too captivated, I let myself fall too far too fast for you.

I don't know what these girls have that I don't, and frankly I don't care. I am a good person, and I have done a lot for you, I have given you everything, even when I truly had nothing left to give, I always found some way to do what you needed.

When I gave you my heart, I asked you to be careful with it, because it had been broken, so many times before. You agreed to be careful with my fragilness, you agreed to never hurt me. Those were your exact words, "I will never hurt you". Now I stand here, staring at the pieces scattered on the floor wondering how and where to start to begin to piece them back together again.

You have to chose Dan, its me or her. I can't go through this. I have enough going on in my life outside of our relationship. I deserve someone who can cherish me, if you are unable to do that, then I think we should end this now. I know that you are still going out with her, that you took her on a date Saturday night, and like I said before, an open relationship does not mean you can have other relationships with girls. If you randomly screwed her at some party it would be one thing, but this is entirely different.

Don knows I am writing this letter, and it is dependent on whether or not you will return to work. If somehow in the next week and a half we can fix this, really fix this, then you are welcome to return, if not, then your spot will be filled. Kyle is on stand by already, just in case something does happen.

If this does not work, and we do go our seperate ways I want you to know a few things, I wish the best for you. I hope that you do find true happiness in life, I hope that you live your life to everything I know you can be. If somewhere down the road we do meet again, maybe we'll be ready then, and if so then I look forward to that moment. Don has said that if in the future we are able to fix things, really fix them you may then return to work, but he makes no promises about what job it is that will be waiting.

So I guess maybe you have some thinking to do, maybe you have some things that you need to really consider and analize, either way I wish you luck. I love you.

What you left behind

I don't understand...I just I don't know what to do anymore.

Why is it that I will never be enough? Why is it that no matter how much love I give, he can't give any back?

Why does he string me along like this, and better yet why do I let myself be strung?

Why can't I just let him go, move on, close my heart off to him?

Wby do I let myself shed tears over him?

Why don't I learn how to stand up for myself?

Why can't I just be strong and push him out of my life all together?

Why do I let myself settle?

Why is it so hard to love me?

Another day gone by with broke dreams

Where to begin?

Well I would like to start off by saying I'm strong, I'm levelheaded, and all in all I like to think that I am a good person. I get up every morning get the things that need to get done in life done. I try and push myself forward, even though right now the only thing that seems to make sense is to sleep the rest of my life away, to let myself drown in my sorrow and misery.

I love him, and I want things to be good, but I however truly believe we have reached the breaking point in our relationship, that things from this point on will never get better. I want life to make sense again, I want to move forward, but I can't.

Recently, the one year anniversary of my attempted suicide pasted, and I wonder to myself if things truly are any better now than they were then?