It's long overdue

I know this post is long overdue...but I think that maybe I truly am finally ready, hey I even put out my cigarette for this.

June 22nd 2007:

I went to work like any other day, 4am til eleven, I came home I talked to Brandon for 2 hrs, and he told me he thought he was still in love with me. I got off the phone and cried. I pulled myself together and went to my mom's, I wanted to check on her (at this point she had just come home from the hospital,( she almost died in a car accident on mother's day) She was still very sick, and my grandpa had just died after a 2 yr battle with lung cancer. Things in my life were slowly going back to normal again, though I was still unsure of whether or nor I was pregnant.

I bought a test at meijer and took it in the bathroom, its negative result stung. I didn't tell him that night, instead we talked for hrs about the possibility, and then he told me that he was falling in love with Chuck.

The baclofen was my uncles and after 40 pills I thought I would really be gone. I remember only seeing his face, that was all that mattered. I lost an entire day of my life. They say that people don't remember being on life support, that its just an empty hole in their minds, I beg to differ.

I remember EMS telling my aunt that they thought I was DOA (dead on arrival), I remember them talking to me, trying to calm me. I remember waking up in the hospital, the nurses trying to keep me from pulling out my trach, the thing that was breathing for me. I remember trying to get out of the restraints, the way I felt so trapped.

I remember my aunt rubbing my head, telling me that she loved me, that it was all going to be ok, that no one was mad. I remember the tears that streamed from my eyes and how they made my aunt leave, because she was upsetting me too much.

I remember the way they all talked to me the next day as I was fully awake, and now, now I must live with what I've done. I remember the lunch, where some of my best friends walked away from me, not wanting to deal with me. Mostly though I remember his and mine last conversation as he told me that he could no longer trust me and was sick of trying.

and all I said: Baby why don't you stay?

Stay...

I've been sittin' here stairin' at the clock on the wall
And I've been layin' here prayin'
Prayin' she won't callIt's just another call from home
and you'll get it and be gone and I'll be cryin'
And I'll be beggin' you baby
Beg you not to leave

But I'll be left here waitin'
My Heart on my sleeve
Oh for the next time we'll be here seems like a million years and I think I'm dyin'

What do I have to do to make you see
She can't love you like me
Why don't you stayI'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of bein' lonely
Don't I give you what you need

When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay

You keep tellin' me baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like bein' used and I'm tired of waitin'

It's too much pain to have to bare
To love a man you have to share
Why don't you stayI'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of bein' lonely
Don't I give you what you need

When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stayI can't take it any longer but my will is gettin' stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I've put in it

I've given you my best
Why does she get the best of you
So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine
Why don't you stay I'm up off my knees I'm so tired of bein' lonely
You can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should knowI don't have to live this way

Baby why don't you stay

Please Remember Me

So popular to contrary belief, I still miss him. A random text sent to him at 2:58am this morning as I'm talking to Dan...

I need you to tell me its ok, I need you to tell me its ok to give my heart to him

Of course the response, "What?" was what I recieved

I still remember

I seem to be having the oddest dreams lately, ones that take me back, far back to things that I truly care not to remember.

One, the one that seems to be the most disturbing one, is of Joslynn. I still, to this day remember the day she died, I still as I sit and think about it I can feel the emotions start to creep through my veins again. I can feel the aching in my heart again, and I long for her, the way I did just after I lost her.

I don't know exactly what triggered these dreams, maybe it was the drive past the telephone pole a few weeks ago, maybe it was just something underlying inside of me, I just don't know.

I remember that day so clearly:

I remember saying goodbye to her at school that day, I hugged her and told her to call me. I walked out of school that day with Amanda, Craig and Steven. That whole day had seemed weird, there was just an uneasiness about it all. I remember going home, eating dinner with my family, I remember doing my homework and then I remember the phone ringing, I remember the way my heart sank when my aunt told whoever it was on the other line that I would have to talk to them tomorrow because it was too late for me to be on the phone. I remember the walk to school the next morning, it seemed to endless and nothing short of 4 heavy hearted people.

Though none of us spoke of it, we all seemed to know something had happend. I remember walking through the front doors of Hilbert Junior High that morning, to see nothing but grief. I knew as Alisha ran to me, I knew what had happened. I didn't need an explanation, I didn't need to know the details.

We left school early that day, Ann (alisha's mom) picked us up from school and we went to the telephone pole where she was killed and we wrote messages and we left flowers and as a community, we pulled together.

The days leading to the funeral seem to be a blur now, it was filled with too many tears, too much heartache after losing someone at such a young age. I remember the way Tina and Savanah held me that day, how at such a young age we had experienced too much of the cruel harsh world.

The funeral was long, I still remember the looks on parents faces as we stood outside in a group, smoking, at 13 yrs old. The way that they cruelly judged us, The way they never should have been allowed to. I remember the few parents that were there for us, the ones who tried their best to comfort us and remind us how we still had each other...

Now, 6 yrs later,when I look back at these moments, its still one of the saddest moments of my life, but it was a huge part of my growing up. It forced me to face things I shouldn't have had to face, and it taught me love, like I had never felt

Saints and Sailors

I seem to be torn today...

This is where I say I've had enough And no one should ever feel The way that I feel now. A walking open wound, A trophy display of bruises And I don't believe That I'm getting any better.

Waiting here with Hopes the phone will ring And I'm thinking awful things And I'm pretty sure That few would notice. And this apartment Is starving for an argument. Anything at all to break the Silence. Wandering the house Like I've never wanted out And this is about As social as I get now.

And I'm throwing away The letters that I am writing you 'cause they would never do, I would never do. So don't be a liar, Don't say that "Everything's working"

When everything's broken. And you smile like a saint But you curse like a sailor And your eyes say the joke's on Me.

I won't go home without you

I am slowly moving past my Brandon crisis, of course I still miss him, he's the one that my heart beats for. If its meant to be then one day down the paths of our lives we will be reunited, for now its in gods hands.

Things with Dan? Good! I've really let him in a lot lately, and I think its been good for our relationship. I let him read the email from Brandon, since well he had to see me so upset over it and we talked about it, it was good.

Things I like about Dan:

He too has a very strange sense of humor
The way his eyes light up when he gets excited
The way he talks to me, like no one else in the world even matters
His eyes (I never thought I would fall for a guy with brown eyes)
His smile, how genuine and sincere it is
The fact that he's willing to fit me into his life and work around my schedule (working 4am til noon is a crappy shift and requires a very early bedtime)
He has the longest fingers I have ever seen, the way they fit perfectly around my hand
His lips, how soft they are
His bald head, its shiny
His flip flops (Hehe)
His sense of understanding
His need to protect me

K 'nough for now, but as all can see, I think right now Dan is a very good thing for me :)

I'm not ready

I have so many feelings right now, bottled up mostly, because lets face it, who really am I to share them with? I will write a detailed post soon, especially preluding my last entry...I just, well I need some "me" time persay. Until later this week...

A letter from him

A text message at 2:07 this morning was recieved from Brandon...saying he has sent me an email...here's the email

You broke my heart, after telling me over and over how much you loved me, how I was the first to make you think of the future, how you wished I were the first you had ever met. I fell in love with you, and for the first time, you showed me what true love really was.

So many moments spent in eachother's arms, in eachother's eyes, in eachother's hearts. You treated me like a prince, like the only one you ever cared to be with, only to turn and treat me like I was a plauge that had attached itself to you and refused to leave. You told me I had nothing to worry about. That I was the one you would be there for in the end. That I was best for you, and that I was what you wanted.

We cried together, and then we laughed together. You opened my heart to a love so wonderful and true, with no intentions of ever staying, or meaning the words you spoke. Every word that came from my mouth came from my heart and was meant. Every kiss stopped time, every touch sent chills through me. I would have been there for you through it all. I would have never hurt you. I will still be here for you, even if you arent for me. You once told me you didnt want to hurt me. That it was your worst fear. And then you went and hurt me in the worst possible way you could, making me face my own worst fear.

I want to forgive you, open my arms to you, and still be in your life, but I must let go and see what else lies out there. To find the one who loves me the way I deserve to be loved. The one who loves me as much as I love them. But I refuse to place all my hope into something that is as unlikely as all those words you spoke to me over and over, comforting me.

I will be here if you fall, I will be here if you need me, but I cannot promise that I will be able to give you again what we once shared so beautifully. You will always carry a special place in my heart, even after all the pain, and tears, and hurt. My love wont fade. You are the one who showed me how happy I could be just by knowing a love so pure, and giving it to you. I will wait, but my life wont be on hold.