In lue of the holidays...

So in lue of the holidays this year I am going to write a few things that I am thankful for:

Having Brandon in my life again.

My new nephew Jack Thomas

My family and how close we have become in the past year

My job, though frustrating at times.

The experiences I have had in the last year (specifically my time spent with Fran which in a later post I will update you on)

Xia (my cat, who truly is my baby)

Having Dan (even though at times we are shaky)

Baby you don't have to call me

As I sit here, I let myself wonder at what point it will truly ever be enough? At what point will I let go enough and decide that things with him just aren't worth it anymore? When will I decide that I am so much better than this, that I deserve everything that life can give me, and that life can give me so much better than him? I wish that I knew, god do I. She's pushing a wedge between us again and truthfully I have no idea what to even do anymore. I'm scared because honestly I know I am going to lose him its just a matter of time now. I am scared because I do not know what the hell to do anymore.

I am scared that without him I am going to be lost again, that I am not going to know what it is exactly that I need to do. I don't know how to move on, obviously if I did I would have left him a long time ago the first time that this happened.

Why can't I be enough for him? I don't honestly think I am ever going to be enough and I don't know what exactly I am going to do. I just know that I am scared, very very very scared. I am lost in this world and if only I knew what it is that I need to do, then maybe life will make sense again.

White Horse

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
As I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on The days drag on Stupid girl,
I should have known, I should have known

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

Baby I was naive,
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
Now I know

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

And there you are on your knees,
Begging for forgiveness,
begging for me
Just like I always wanted
but I'm sooo sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse,
to catch me now

Let me let go baby...

Let me let go baby, Let me let go.

FUCK YOU.

A little overdue...

So this post may be a little overdue but in lue of writing it I am excited/irked.

It has been one year one month and 8 eight days since my attempted suicide. Facts say that 65% of teenagers who attempy suicide will attempt in within one year after their first attempt, I am not one of those 65%.

Today yes, I do feel stronger. Has my life changed? Yes at least in some ways. I still have ups and I still have downs, but it has been a matter of how I have learned how to handle my downs.

Dan was what I thought was my rebound guy, but he is still a constant in my life, which is very good. Brandon is now back in my life, but as a friend now. I didn't honestly think we could ever get to that point, but I am so glad we did.

How long?

How long will it take for me to gain enough self respect to let go?



Yeah, I wish I knew the answer too.

Long Gone

It’s so like you just to show up at my door
And act like nothin’s happened
You think I’ll sweep my heart up off the floor
And give it to you
Like so many times before
You’re talking to a stranger
I’m not that girl anymore

That girl is long gone
Boy you missed the boat it just sailed away
Long gone
She’s not drowning in her yesterdays
Betcha never thought I’d be that strong
Well this girl is long gone

Don’t waste your breath with baby baby please
Cuz I am so not listening
Don’t bother getting down upon your knees and try to beg me
I’m tired of how you twist the truth
You’re not talking to the same girl
Who used to forgive you

Gone like the wind under Superman’s cape
Like a thief in the night I made the great escape
I’m not the kind of girl that keeps making the same mistakes

Things that make me smile lately...

Having Brandon back in my life, even if it is only as friends :)

Blaring loud music in the car

Dancing

Smoking Hookah

Bob's Boathouse :)

Sleeping in

I can't go there

I want to be ok...but how?

Never in my life have I wanted to hit someone like I do at this very moment in time!

Complicated words slippin off of your tongue and ain't one of them the truth...I'm still desperate for you.

Ugh...I take back my stance on being really really good, I'm just really really tired today and sick of fucking drama, thats for sure!

Lessons Learned

I am feeling extremly strong right now so here in this moment I will state to you my new goals:

Moving On, I will find someone who can treat me right

Going back to school in September

Finding a new job where I am happy

Getting my liscense

Paying off the rest of my debt

Moving Out

I haven't really set a date or anything for these goals, but I'm going to do them come hell or high water. I feel incredible today :) So yay for me!

Live with Lonesome

So as things wrap up with me and dan this is a new guy in the mix...his name is Jeff. He is a little older than me, well he's 32, but he's a really nice guy, and I think that it might be just what I'm looking for. So for now I feel good :)

Ugh, when will enough be enough?

In closing

Dan,

For me writing this letter, its hard and it hurts. I want to start by saying how much I love you, that in the future if you ever do need anything, I will do my best to help you in whatever it is. I will try my best to do whatever I can to help you in whatever situation it may be, of course depending on the circumstances.

I am a strong woman, and until I met you I would have never let a man do the things you have done to me. The lying, the cheating, none of it, I would have pushed him out the door the moment it happened. With you, I couldn't, I was too captivated, I let myself fall too far too fast for you.

I don't know what these girls have that I don't, and frankly I don't care. I am a good person, and I have done a lot for you, I have given you everything, even when I truly had nothing left to give, I always found some way to do what you needed.

When I gave you my heart, I asked you to be careful with it, because it had been broken, so many times before. You agreed to be careful with my fragilness, you agreed to never hurt me. Those were your exact words, "I will never hurt you". Now I stand here, staring at the pieces scattered on the floor wondering how and where to start to begin to piece them back together again.

You have to chose Dan, its me or her. I can't go through this. I have enough going on in my life outside of our relationship. I deserve someone who can cherish me, if you are unable to do that, then I think we should end this now. I know that you are still going out with her, that you took her on a date Saturday night, and like I said before, an open relationship does not mean you can have other relationships with girls. If you randomly screwed her at some party it would be one thing, but this is entirely different.

Don knows I am writing this letter, and it is dependent on whether or not you will return to work. If somehow in the next week and a half we can fix this, really fix this, then you are welcome to return, if not, then your spot will be filled. Kyle is on stand by already, just in case something does happen.

If this does not work, and we do go our seperate ways I want you to know a few things, I wish the best for you. I hope that you do find true happiness in life, I hope that you live your life to everything I know you can be. If somewhere down the road we do meet again, maybe we'll be ready then, and if so then I look forward to that moment. Don has said that if in the future we are able to fix things, really fix them you may then return to work, but he makes no promises about what job it is that will be waiting.

So I guess maybe you have some thinking to do, maybe you have some things that you need to really consider and analize, either way I wish you luck. I love you.

What you left behind

I don't understand...I just I don't know what to do anymore.

Why is it that I will never be enough? Why is it that no matter how much love I give, he can't give any back?

Why does he string me along like this, and better yet why do I let myself be strung?

Why can't I just let him go, move on, close my heart off to him?

Wby do I let myself shed tears over him?

Why don't I learn how to stand up for myself?

Why can't I just be strong and push him out of my life all together?

Why do I let myself settle?

Why is it so hard to love me?

Another day gone by with broke dreams

Where to begin?

Well I would like to start off by saying I'm strong, I'm levelheaded, and all in all I like to think that I am a good person. I get up every morning get the things that need to get done in life done. I try and push myself forward, even though right now the only thing that seems to make sense is to sleep the rest of my life away, to let myself drown in my sorrow and misery.

I love him, and I want things to be good, but I however truly believe we have reached the breaking point in our relationship, that things from this point on will never get better. I want life to make sense again, I want to move forward, but I can't.

Recently, the one year anniversary of my attempted suicide pasted, and I wonder to myself if things truly are any better now than they were then?

When they shine

So this post may be kind of long...I'm apologizing now for that and also for the fact that I have a tendency to ramble about nothings.

So things that are new? Well Larry has been gone now for four months, and yes they have been four VERY long months. I don't remember if I posted earlier on about how he has been visiting me lately, but he has and it has been frequent, dare I say that it really irks me?

The wise old man told me once that life will never make since, not until the end. I dare say that he is right about this for sure. Things with Dan are continually weirder and weirder everyday.

I heard "Tim McGraw" by Taylor Swift which makes my mind always wander back to Brandon...hmmmm

Vanna is due in October...ITS A BOY! and I'm pretty damn excited!

Bring me down

SO yes I realize that I just posted but I don't feel as though I expressed my thoughts enough if this post makes no sense its because its just a rambled bit of my current thoughts.

I don't understand why, why it is so hard for you to love me, why is it that you can be with other girls and still come back to me?

Why can't you just love me for me? For the person that I am.

I love you so deeply that I fear my life without you in it, why is it that you can drop me, so fast?

I know your with her tonight, and yet I pretend as though I don't I pretend that everything is just fine.

Another day gone by with broken dreams.

Sometimes I feel as though no matter how fast I run, I will never escape you, why is that?

She loves you and you need but there are some things we can't share.

I want to find somewhere I can ease my mind, try to heal my wounded pride.

Leave the Pieces When you Go...

I write this tonight, not completly positive as to where I stand. At this moment in time I'm not exactly sure how I feel or if I even have the right to feel this way. I am in my dark place right now, and its hard to see clearly still.

In my hour of need, of despartion I look around and I'm not sure where to turn or where I'm supposed to go. I'm not sure where to look or what hand I should be grabbing.
I don't know where to go in my hour of darkness or who to let hold onto me.

I'm not sure that really I should be surprised but for some reason I let myself be. I let this fear of him overwhelm me, I let it consume every inch of my being.

because I'm so stupid but being without him in my life is unbearable im so miserable without him I know he's cheating I KNOW and I won't let myself say anything because I don't want to lose him.

If we're gonna make this work...

Why is it, that we wait so long for something, doing whatever it takes for us to get it. and then once we have it we realize that the chase is better than the prize?

Why is it that no matter how hard you try, not matter how hard you give, you can't make someone give back to you?

Why is it that I need him, more than he will ever need me?

Why is it that he can't want me, not that way I want him to?

Why is it that I will cry tears for him, and he will never even be shaken by losing me?

I don't understand anymore. I have given so much, sometimes more than I have to give, and in return he can't give an ounce of himself back to me? I don't doubt that he loves me, but sometimes I doubt his intentions and most of the time I doubt that he even wants to be in the same room with me.

Love, at first is exciting. There are butterflies, and you are nervous and every touch has sparks, and every kiss has fireworks, sex is awkward still, and you laugh together still. As time goes on you start to get comfortable, and those feelings start to fade, you don't touch as often, kisses are fewer and farther between, and affection fades.

Why is it that he can't love me the way that I love him? That wise old man told me once never to settle, no matter how much you love someone. Now I question myself, am I settling because I'm in love with him?

I have never questioned his relationship with her, though I know it has ended (good ole' myspace can tell me that) but I don't know why, or what happened or what made him come back to me. I don't know the things that he feels, mostly because he won't share those feelings with me.

Tonight, when he brought me home I felt as though something was ending, though really I know soon he will call and we will talk late into the night. I will pretend the fact that he never touches me anymore doesn't bother me and we will go on with our lives.

I'm afraid to be without him. I don't question my love for him because I know that my love is true and it is pure and it is hopeful. I can't change him and I know that, but I don't understand where this is all going, why am I doing this to myself when I know truly in reality I am the one who will be hurt again.

The weight of the world on my shoulders and I write this, wondering where I am going with my life, and what I am accomplishing because especially lately I feel as though I am going nowhere. I wonder why I have to deal with all the bull and why I can't just let him go, and I wonder why, why can't he just love me? For me.

Fall in love with Jack Daniels again...

So since I have last wrote life has been, well its been a little crazy...

Dan and I broke up because, well because he doesn't know what a monogamous relationship is.

My place of work laid of 90 people, considering our company only consists of 105 people, it was a pretty huge layoff

My cat...oh where to start? well really I'm not sure what is wrong with her, but her fur is falling off, literally, in chunks. You can see her jaw bone.

Dan and I are back together after a 3 week seperation...How are things with us?? Ehhh about how they've always been so who knows whats going to happen, Though truly I do love him.

Rain on the window makes me lonely
Time keeps on passing so slowly
The old man sittin' next to me is fallin' asleep
On a Greyhound Bound For Nowhere

The sun's going down on my misery
Another day gone by with broken dreams
That cell phone I hear ringing, I keep wishing it was you
On a Greyhound Bound For Nowhere

That ring that you were wearing don't mean everything
The way that you stood starin' as you watched me roll away
She loves you and you need me and there some things we can't share
I'm on a Greyhound bound for nowhere

Bright lights of a city shining up ahead
My hearts analyzing everything you said
Did you take me for a fool or did you really care
I'm on a Greyhound bound for nowhere

Greyhound bound for nowhere

I write this letter to you, because I miss you and living my life without you, though it has only been a week has been unbearable.

Dan,

I gave you my life, I gave you my heart, the one that you promised so openly to protect. I warned you how it had been broken, that giving it back to you would be harder for me than anything I had ever done. You promised me that you would never let it drop, that you would hold it tight and cherish it. Now I stand here staring at the scattered pieces you left wondering where to begin. I don't know that truly its worth piecing together again, because if loving you only makes me feel this miserable how can it be right? I don't know how to start over, I don't want to start over, I just want to be lost in the arms that for the past 8 months have held me so close. I didn't make this mess on my own, but I am the only one standing here with a broom. I don't know why you felt the need to hurt me so much, in this way. I don't know what she has that I don't, or what she gives you that I so appearantly never could. I loved you, I still do really I just don't know how to move on from you or even how to move on. I have been so strong this week with that little bit of hope that you'd come back to me, but your silence has made it clear that your not. Daniel Patrick I love you and I wish the best for you, I hope that your not left here the way I am in tears and unable to eat, sleep, and barely breath.

I took an accidental stroll down memory lane today...and it wasn't one of those happy ones. Usually in January...I take the time to recap the year, to go through everything that happened, this year I neglected that and don't honestly feel compelled to recap this...in lue of new beginnings.

When we meet again...

I do believe that, I believe that one day we will meet again, in a better place I suppose. I want you to know that we love you, that we miss you, that we would have supported you had you told us how down you really were. You were the closest thing I ever had to a dad, I've known you for 12 yrs and its so hard to believe that your gone. I was with you on Sat. we talked, we laughed, you drank, and then we left. I was expecting to get that phone call Sunday morning, not just 7 short hrs after I had left, how in such a short time could you go from being happy to deciding that your life just wasn't worth it anymore? I don't understand...

I love you, and I miss you.
Goodbye Larry.

Cassie

If I gave you my heart

There are some things we can't change, and there are some things that if we try to change have the potential to really screw up our lives. When you love someone, you accept them for who they are, flaws included. Though it may not be the easiest thing, its what we must do. I have spent a lot of time realizing things that drive me crazy about Dan, but the things that make me love him far out weigh the ones that annoy me.

I know that I too have flaws, I am not a perfect person, far from it actually, very far from it. but I can accept that, and I can live with it. I know that I too drive him absolutly crazy at times, like my trust issues, or my need to be held at night until I fall asleep, the way because of how I have been hurt when upset I push him away, that I refuse to let him see my face while I cry. but he still loves me, so if he can look past all those things, I too can look past his flaws.

There are too many good things about him:
The way he wraps both his arms around me when he holds me
When he's playful (which is often)
The way he blows raspberries instead of kissing me (though I will continue to pretend I hate it)
The way he tickles me
The way he puts me first
The way his hand feels on mine
The way he pretends to hate cuddling but often times he's the one who instigates it
The way I feel absolutly safe with him