What you can't change

So this post is in reference to some of the things that have really bothered me lately, me venting perhaps?

Dan I have become very close in the past few weeks, never in my life have I felt closer to him, and I think though I once said I will never love more than I loved Brandon, I think I have surpassed that feeling.

Some things that have really been bothering me:
I'm Dan's first serious relationship, so there is a lot for him to learn
Dan's really not a touchy feely kinda person, I however need touch (his parents only touch in the bedroom behind closed doors)
He's not a very great communicator
He definetly needs help sharing his feelings
He hardly ever says I love you, and though I know he does I need to hear it

Regaurdless of all the above, I love him whole heartedly time will only tell I guess.

So due to all the christmas mayhem, my posts that I have started lately haven't made it to the publish stage. For that I truly am sorry, things have just been SO crazy on this end, but I do have some good news, after today I am off for two days, which (hopefully) will give me plenty of time to update you on my latest affairs. til then...

Hmmm

Dan asked me to marry him tonight...yeah things just keep getting weirder and weirder

We took a chance

So I know that I've negelected to write anything purposeful lately, for that I am sorry. Things in life haven't exactly been fair lately, nor have they been exactly what I would call easy, though they have been worse.

So where to start? Well lets start with Dan, we are currently working on our relationship, which is going ok, though there still is definetly an elephant in the room. I don't know how long it will take us to get past that, or really if ever we will.

My mom and I are also working on our relationship, which well we'll just say definetly has its up and downs. Today? Well today it has been down, that parts for sure. Things aren't always easy between us and right now our problems seem to be prominant than anything else, I just wish we could move past it all, and while I can forgive, I'm not sure that I can ever forget.

Work, work has been nuts. I can't wait until the holidays are over, this year they seem to be dragging on forever and I don't really know how much longer I have the energy to do this for. I called in today, merely for the fact that I haven't slept in days and I've stayed late every day for the past 3 weeks, its exhausting at times, most of the time really.

Things on the home front? Ehhhh at the moment they are very sketchy and I'm not sure exactly how much longer I can live like this, I love my uncle and I love my aunt and they are more like parents to me than my mother, but maybe her leaving isn't really such a bad idea, maybe then I could stop crying.

I just don't know at times, I'm not as strong as people think I am, and while I put on a good front, tears still escape at times that I'm not rather proud of. Today for example, and I'm not big on crying in front of people, but I let it go in front of Dan tonight.

But the wheels will turn on the road ahead, if it hurts at all, I haven't really showed it yet, so stop looking for that slight sign that I'm gonna miss what I left behind, I'd settle too.

The weather outside is frightful...

ITS SNOWING!!! Ohhhh snow...how I've missed you so!

The smell of coconut is permantly embedded in my pillow

For the record...I HATE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS!!!! at least in my room

and also...I HATE THE SMELL OF COCONUT! DO NOT PUT AIR FRESHNERS IN MY PILLOW CASE

You might not know it

The friday after Thanksgiving is the biggest shopping day of the year. In retail we refer to it as "Black Friday" it is a day that we definetly don't look forward to and that we try to request off months in advance, though very few of us are lucky enough to actually get it off. Not a single employee at my store got it off.

We opened at 6a.m. though when I arrived at 4a.m. that morning the line outside had already started building. By the time we actually opened the line had over 1,000 people in it, I was lucky enough to be one of the people standing just inside the door as people came flying through, running to get to what they wanted.

I worked an extremely long shift with those crazy ass people, who at all times of the day were still running through the store. Our hot items were about before 9a.m. I gave away the last Wii to a lady in tears. A good time was had by all, though they bought us food by the time I actually tore away from Electronics it was ice cold, the salad was warm and there was no pop left, lucky me. Yesterdays truck was ginormous, and this mornings will be the same. and...here's the clencher, I get off at 12:30 and I have to be back there at midnight for double trucks...yippee.

Later I suppose

I promise to write more tonight our sale at work is a 2 day sale so today is black saturday if you will...

Its black friday, I just worked a 14 hr shift and I am exhausted...more in the morning, I promise.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

My hands and knees are bruised

Ugh...thats about how I feel right now. Just ugh!

The silence takes over the room

She calls him, no answer, she thinks its strange but tries not to think about it so much. She hops on the computer, checks her email, her facebook, edits some blog stuff, plays on myspace for awhile. Decides to leave him a cute message on his myspace.

She clicks on his page, as she scrolls down she notices someone new in his number one spot. Someone named Jessie, scrolls down and reads his latest comments, which reads: I had a good time talking to you too last night, I put you in my top friends.

Decides to click on said girls page and reads her boyfriends comment to the girl: You are a sweet girl, I really liked talking to you last night, hope we can do it again soon. Looking forward to this weekend.


Now she's intrigued, she sends said girl a message, tries to call her M.I.A. boyfriend, no answer still hmmmm?


Well unfortunatly the message she recieved back wasn't quite what she hoped for, neither was her pathetic boyfriends excuse to get out of it.

When he tried to flip it around on how she works too much (excuse me, one of us has to, we are having a baby) she gave up. Now she is single, at 19 with a baby on the way.

And she cries, harder than she thought she could have for him, maybe its that she's scared now?Maybe its that just last night they had the please don't hurt me convo?


Yeah it was a great day.

I just love you too (2)

I do love him, but the fact that he has been cheating on me pretty much says enough huh?

I could write a whole lot on here but the wounds are too fresh and I'm not ready to let them bleed right now, so tomorrow? tomorrow I will post and will tell all, that I can promise.

I promised

I promised myself I wouldn't let this bother me anymore, but then again I can't exactly control my dreams. I can't take Brandon out of them, I can't make him go away, at least not in that way.

I fought for sleep last night, with my insane work schedule lately I haven't been getting much sleep, not at all. I was lucky enough to fall asleep before 9 last night which would have given me a good 6 hrs, though if I had only known I would have just stayed awake.

This time it was spring, and it was right after we had gotten married ( we would have gotten married May 3rd 2008 ) and I'm not sure if we were on our honeymoon or where we were but we were in a room I didn't recongnize and it definetly looked like a hotel room.

See as much as Dan is able to make me feel safe, he doesn't touch the way Brandon was able to make me feel. We lay together, I on his chest and he held me. I let the tears fall from my eyes and he didn't even try to wipe them away. He just let them come, and he held me in my most vulnerable state.

I woke up to a very tear stained pillow, it was soaked through and unlike before I was still crying, it took me awhile to calm down, which just scared me more. I felt as though an elephant was sitting on my chest this morning and I couldn't breath.

SO my question: How long will take? before I can really let it all go? before my life can go back to being 100% normal?

Snow

I can smell it in the air today, I can feel the slight chill in the air and freshness of it all. It's coming late this year, but still its coming.

I can feel the ache in my toes, I can hear the songs in my head and I feel the warmth that it brings to me.

Something about this time of year is magical, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but it captivates me. It makes me want to do silly things, things I haven't done since I was a kid (or so I will let you believe) Like make a snowman, make snow angels, going sledding, and the annual snow walk.

See the annual snow walk; well it consists of walking at midnight, with starbucks, and eating doughnuts with almost lover and letting the magic captivate every inch of your body. This year I will be walking alone, that is unless Dan decides he wants to walk with me, or maybe Vanna, we'll see.

I just love you

The more I try to tell myself that I'm not really falling in love with Dan the harder I feel myself start to fall for him. I try to put it in my head that I'm moving too fast, though its been 5 months, god has it really been that long? But the truth? I just love him. This is the song he sang to me on my voicemail the other day :)

Lonely, yeah that's the word
I leave my heart when I leave her
The days go on forever and the nights do too



One evening out on the road
A half a world away from home
I thought she was sleeping
When the call came through

I said, Darling, it's late, is everything ok
Silence took over the room
Til she said



I... I just Love You
I Don't Know Why, I Just Do
When are you coming home
I'm coming home soon
And I just love you too


Lonely lets me be
For a while she sets me free
I close my eyes and I dream of her


She's lost in my arms
Her head on my heart
And softly she whispers the words


I...I just Love You
I Don't Know Why, I Just Do
When are you coming home
I'm coming home soon
And I just love you too


I'll never stop being amazed
How my 4-year old girl knows exactly what to say


I, I just Love You
I Don't Know Why, I Just Do
When are you coming home
I'm coming home soon
Cause I just love you too

Ugh...

I don't want to go back to work today, its payday and I have no desire to go back. I'm still exhausted. I didn't really get much sleep on my day off unfortunatly. I definetly could have used at least 5 more hrs sleep, I didn't even sleep in and then last night I got a mere 3 hrs, ugh. Unfortunatly in the real world they don't care too much about how much sleep I was able to get. They don't even care if I work 60 hrs and 6 days (which currently is what I'm doin) guess really I can't complain though the overtime is really nice.

On to more happier things...

Life is pretty good for the most part, the holiday season is in full swing. Working 6 days and still going strong, today is my one day off :) . So far? Work hasn't been too bad, though I seem to have more patience lately than I would usually have, which may be helping the situation. Once that wears off though, well we'll see how the situation progresses.

Dan I are doing pretty good, nothing too exciting lately. We haven't had sex in about two weeks, no because we're in a rut, just haven't really had the oppurtunity lately. Living at home definetly has its downfalls at times, a lot of times.

I'm still sick, I don't really know what's wrong with me. Instead of getting better I seem to just be getting worse, symptoms progressing and even new ones appearing, strange? I thought so.

Things that make me happy:

Starbucks :) having one in my store is starting to be a costly habit
Sleeping tonight, finally REALLY sleeping more than 4 hrs
Working Midnights, I really don't hate them, they're not so bad
Daniel Patrick, and his little surprises lately
The new Rascal Flatts CD
Finally having the same day off as Vanna so we can see each other
Ihop pumpkin pancakes
Getting hit on at the Olive Garden, I haven't been feeling especially pretty lately
The song "I just love you" by five for fighting, Dan sang it to me the other day
Football season almost being over (I love that he coaches but I'd like to see him too) playoffs almost are finally over
Leaving work at 9am and going to his house and crawling into bed with him
Watching him coach, those kids love him, better yet he loves those kids.

Illinois

The rest of sophomore year passed by slowly, uneventful, and truthfully I was glad to see it come to an end. My plans for the summer were to go to Illinois and work in my grandfather’s office for the summer. It was the first thing that I was excited for in a long time, working in a doctors office? I knew I wanted to be a nurse and what better way to start off my career? Even if I was just a secretary.
I left July 1st and I waited anxiously for the day to come, I just wanted to get out of Livonia for the summer. My time in Illinois was short lived, my first day on the job I not only broke, but shattered my ankle. I had been standing on a chair trying to reach a file, I fell off the chair. At the ER I was so scared I knew something wasn’t right, my ankle had swollen to more than three times its normal size. They told me I would have to have surgery, they were going to put pins in my ankle.
I would spend the night waiting anxiously for my mom to fly in from Michigan, praying that it was all just a dream Doped up on Morphine the time seemed to pass ever so slowly, knowing that the next morning I was going into surgery.
I awoke the next morning very early, long before my surgery was scheduled. Sleeping was nearly impossible due to the amount of pain I was in, so I lay awake hours before my surgery trying to figure out why this was happening. Trying to understand why god has put so much pain into my life. Why he had chosen me to undergo so much in my life.



*My surgert ended up being two different surgeries, leaving me forever with a very large scar and an ankle that doesn't move. I spent almost 2 full yrs in a wheelchair.

Alan

I met some new friends, Alan being on of the funniest people that I have yet to meet. He would follow me around, sit behind me in classes and do things to make me laugh. I think he knew I was the new kid and was just trying to make it a little bit easier on me, I’m sure he knew that being new to Stevenson was pretty unbearable.
We started to develop a friendship, one of the first people that seemed to really want to stick by me. I had put a wall up since Renee and Kaber, I was afraid of getting hurt again. Alan seemed to be able to break that wall down, we started spending more time together, and soon I came to consider him one of my close friends.


In February Alan Wells hung himself in his garage. This for me was the last and final stage of my depression, getting up in the morning was nearly impossible now. My motivation lacked immensely, I didn’t see a point in living anymore. If everyone that I was close to was leaving me, then why was I bothering to stick around?

Renee and Kaber

I would soon meet Renee, who was also new to Stevenson; our hate for the school gave us an instant bond. Saying she was different would be an understatement, her bi-sexuality, drug problem, and bad smoking habit set her aside from most of the kids at Stevenson. She however, was exactly what I was looking for. I needed someone not to judge me, but to just accept me for who I was.
As time went on we seemed to be getting closer and closer, it was exciting, I felt like I was finally connecting with someone. She lived down the street from me, so we were able to see each other quite often. She reminded me of myself, we both had been through similar situations.

She introduced me to Alex Kaber, who I ended up having classes with. Kaber made being at Stevenson just a little bit easier. His humor got me through most days, making me laugh enough to forget how horrible this place was. A few months later I would lose touch with Renee, who was too busy with her drug problem to have a life anymore. Kaber would also follow her, leaving me with just Ian again.

*Kaber died last year from a heroin overdose.

Stevenson

Now thesse are excerpts from something written awhile ago but they are my story and maybe it will help with our exploration of what got me to this point.



It was September, the leaves were orange and red and they were gracefully falling to their final resting place. I watched them as I walked thinking about how September seems to signify a time of change. My stomach was queasy; the walk seemed to go on for miles, when in reality it was just one short block.
I light a cigarette, hoping to alleviate some of the stress. I could see the kids standing there, chatting anxiously about their summers, the vacations they had taken, the late nights, the parties they had been to. They stare at me, like I’m some evil alien invading their planet. I put out my cigarette, look at the ground begging it to suck me in. I stood there silently, hoping that one of them would notice me, even just a “hey! Who are you?” would have been nice, but they didn’t, instead they just continued their conversations.
The bus ride was short, a mere 3 miles, but it seemed to take forever. I sat in an empty seat in the front, hoping really that no one would sit next to me. I had no such luck, a boy who I would later learn is named Bronce, sat down next to me. He tried to make small talk but I mostly ignored him. I hated him for talking to me; I just wanted to endure my misery alone.
Being the new kid is tough, there’s no way around it, but moving from Redford to Livonia, made it even harder. In Redford I had been the equal (a 50% black to a 50% white ratio), now here I was, in the whitest city in America. I had dreaded this day all summer long, I had moved one mile and had to change schools. I didn’t think it was fair, I hated god for doing this to me, I wanted to die, hide under a rock, just anything to not have to do this.
I was told to go to the counseling office when I got to school, they would assign me a “mentor” to help me through my first week at Stevenson. As I walked through the halls, I could feel them staring at me, somehow they knew I was different, they knew I would never conform to their ways, I would never let the drama suck me in.
I hated Stevenson; the people were so different compared to where I had come from. It wasn’t just the way they dressed, or the way they talked, but it was their whole attitude, like they were somehow superior to the rest of the world. They were quick to judge and they were malicious.
I still had Ian though, and in my mind that was enough to get me through anything. We had grown up together, he started off as my best friend from the age of 7 and slowly as the years went on our relationship developed into something much more substantial. We went from best friends to lovers; it wasn’t an overnight change but something that happened gradually. The more time we spent together the closer we seemed to become.
He had gone to Churchill, a school in the same district as Stevenson, and though he was three years older than me, it never felt it. I would come home from school and he would hold me as I cried for hours, comforting me, encouraging me, and most of all loving me. At times he was all I needed, all I was living for, days we spent apart were few and agonizing.
He was my first love, the one that I didn’t know how to live without. Anything and everything I did was about him or for him, even if not directly connected.
My mentor’s name was Amanda, and without out her I don’t think I would have made it through my first few months at Stevenson. Her job was to make sure I got to all of my classes the first week of school, show me around, help me make some friends, maybe eat lunch with me. We had one class together; Choir. She soon become a friend, she wasn’t like the rest of the kids at Stevenson.
We went to concerts together, hung out on weekends, had girls night and painted our toenails. She took me under her wing and helped me learn how to fly on my own at Stevenson.
Second semester she dropped Choir, we slowly started to drift apart. We no longer had anything in common, we no longer had a class together, she had a different lunch period. I was slowly slipping into a depression again. I remember going home to Ian, crying telling him I didn’t know how I was ever going to make it. My life seemed so worthless at this point, I was losing my grip on reality, I was so overwhelmed.



*A side note, Bronce and I later became very close friends, though it was almost 3 yrs later.

I declare a toast

~To late night phone calls, specifically 3 am

~To dancing in the middle of the night outside blaring "Dancing in the Moonlight"

~To eating ice cream right out of the container~

To that feeling that only looking into your puppies eyes you can see~

To that feeling you get when you hear a song that brings back those deep down hard to reach memories

~To falling asleep with no worries underneath a big fluffy soft comforter

~To those moments of clarity in life that keep you moving on

Nothin good about goodbye

It was November now, and I still vividly remember this dream; Ian was lost somehow and I could hear him calling, but no matter how hard I looked I couldn’t find him. The next day we were supposed to meet, he never showed up. I called him, his phone had been turned off, I went to his house, his parents having no idea where he was. Just like that he was gone, no calls, no letters, no nothing, he was just gone.
For three months I cried myself to sleep every night. I didn’t know how to go on without him; he had become so much a part of me that the thought of living without him in my life made it unbearable. I slowly slipped into depression, not knowing how to live my life without the one thing that I had loved. I lost trust in people, along with faith, I had made up my mind that I couldn’t trust anyone anymore, I was too afraid of being hurt again.

*Ian was in prision, which will be explained at a later date.

Freshman Year

I lay on the floor, wishing for the room to stop spinning. I lay wondering if maybe this is the one time that I did too much, the one time that I took it too far. I tried to think back, tried to remember exactly how many pills I had taken, and what exactly I had taken. I wondered if smoking pot on top of taking the pills is what made me feel so sick, or if maybe it was the coke, or even quite possibly the alcohol?
I could feel my heart racing in my chest, wondering if it was really possible for my chest to explode. I wondered if getting high could really kill me. I tried to reach for the garbage can, I knew what was coming; I could taste its sweet saltiness in my mouth. I stretch out my arm as far as I can, wondering where it could possibly be; maybe someone else was using it.
I try to roll over on my side, I know the risk of lying on my back, and I could die from choking on my own vomit. I try to call for help; my mouth can’t seem to remember how to form words. My mind is racing frantically as I try to will myself to roll over.
Eventually I give up, accepting my fate. I know that I am going to die, lying here on this floor, where am I again? I can’t remember where I am, or even who is here with me, I wonder if maybe I’m alone. I must be alone; if someone else were here they would have come to help me by now.



The sun is shining brightly through the window; I try to open my eyes, but the light makes them burn. I look around trying to figure out where I am. I don’t recognize anything, I don’t remember much from the night before. I’m in someone’s bed and there is a guy lying next to me. I will my mind to try and just remember what happened; I just draw a blank.
I look around to see if anyone else is here, there’s no one in the room with us. Realizing that I have to pee, I go in search for the bathroom. Walking down the hallway I realize that I have never been here before, or if I have I simply can’t remember it.
There are people lying on the floor in the living room, a few on the couch, and one on the kitchen table. I try to think back to what exactly we did last night, but I can’t seem to remember anything at all. Finally finding the bathroom, I realize that there is someone asleep in the bathtub, and someone on the floor. Stepping over the person on the floor, I shut the shower curtain and go to the bathroom.
I look around, trying to find someone I know. I finally find Tina, who is sleeping on the kitchen floor. I nudge her, trying to wake her. She stares at me confused about what’s going on. I get her a glass of water and she sits up. “What happened last night?” I ask. She looks at me confusingly, “I don’t really remember Cass”.
“Do you know where we are?” I ask her frantically, “The only thing I remember is doing a line with you at your house before we even left”, I vaguely remember back to yesterday, we had done a line of coke in my basement and Ian had called and said he was going to pick us up. “You don’t remember anything after that?” “I remember going to Piercy’s to make a deal, but other than that I don’t know anything”.
“We need to find Ian, do you think he’s still here?” she asks, “I haven’t seen him, but there’s a ton of people here”. I help Tina get up off the floor; wondering how she ended up there. I know that really it doesn’t matter, I’m the one that woke up in bed with some strange guy. I pray that I wasn’t stupid enough to do anything with him, if Ian found out; he would kill him.
We walk down the hall, I want to show Tina the strange guy, we walk quietly into the bedroom. “Do you know who he is?” I whisper to Tina, she nods her head. “I think his name is Jon, he was a friend of Ian’s a long time ago”. I wonder why she said was, but too confused to think, we continue on our search for Ian.
Searching the bedrooms, the kitchen and living room we eventually find Ian passed out on the basement floor. I lay down next to him and put my arms around him, it was the first night we had spent apart in months. He opens his eyes and smiles at me, “I couldn’t find you last night, I looked all over for you”, “I feel asleep in one of the bedrooms on the floor” I reply. He rolls over on his side and kisses me.
“Are you ready to go?” he asks me gently, “Please, I just want to get out of here” I hear myself say. We drop Tina off at home, and go back to Ian’s to get some real sleep. “Do you remember what happened last night?” I ask him, knowing that he always remembers. He rolls over and looks in my eyes, “You don’t remember?” he asks me, “I don’t remember anything after leaving Piercy’s last night”.
“We called Corey and he told us Diamond’s having a party and we went over there”, confused I reply “we weren’t at Diamond’s house this morning though”. “We went to Diamond’s did a few lines, drank a little and then we headed over to Corey’s girlfriend’s house”. I realized then that was why I didn’t realize where we were this morning, Corey has a new girlfriend every other week, I obviously I hadn’t met this one.
“I hate not being able to remember things, it always scares me”, Ian cuddles up to me and holds me close. “Everything is fine baby, I would never let anything happen to you, you know that right?”, I wanted to believe him, but I knew last night had been a prime example of why I was scared. “I know you wouldn’t” I hear myself say, trying to disguise my doubt. “Are you ok?” he asks, “yeah just really really tired”.
I wake up a few hours later and glance at the clock, realizing that its 2 in the afternoon I wonder how long we’ve been sleeping. I know his mom will be home soon, which means that she will wonder where we were last night, and I knew I didn’t want to be the one explaining it to her.
I nudge Ian, “it’s almost 2, your mom will be home soon.” He moans something about 10 more minutes, and I nudge him harder. “What’s wrong baby?” he asks me as I start yelling at him, “nothing” I reply. “All morning you’ve been actin’ really weird, what’s goin’ on with you? Did you start or something?” Now annoyed with him, I roll over and face the wall, I know he knows there’s something up and I know my eyes will give me away.
Judas lives in my eyes, I swear to it. They’re traitors, they give me away, always, there’s no hiding. I’ve tried for years to be able to consume the power in them, to learn how to control they’re magical essence, but I can’t. One look at them and you will, you will know everything, they truly are the windows to my soul.
“Your mom’s gonna be home soon” I remind him, “she’s gonna wanna know where we were last night”. “I’m gonna tell her we stayed at Diamond’s” he answers. He cuddles up close to me, rubs my back, I know what he wants. “I’m gonna go take a shower before your mom gets home” I tell him, “Ok, I’ll come with you” knowing that he knows me all to well, refusing the invitation would set off a panic alarm in his head.
I grab two towels from the closet, start the water in the shower. Ian puts his arms around me, kissing the back of my neck. He slides his hands up my stomach and to my breasts, he turns me around. Now he’s kissing me, hard, He unsnaps my bra, takes off my shirt, I assist him in removing his clothes.
We move into the shower, the hot water feels soothing on my tired body. He’s kissing my breast now, moving his hand downward, now he’s kissing me again, his hands in secret places. We finish our shower, wrap ourselves in towels and move into the bedroom. He’s laying on top me now, I can feel his hardness against my thigh. “Make love to me” he whispers in my ear, I kiss him.
He slides his hardness inside of me, he moans with pleasure. He’s sliding in and out, gaining momentum. I know any moment it will be over, I try to enjoy it, not let my mind wonder back to the night before. He moans deeply, and its over.
I roll over on my side, lay under the covers. I close my eyes, let my mind wander back to the night before a little, if only I could remember what happened. My conscious is eating away at me, I have to know. I weigh the consequences in my mind, I know that if I tell him he’ll be upset, and I don’t want to hurt him. I hear the front door open.
I wrap myself tighter in the blanket and close my eyes, I know he’s going to lie to her and she’ll know if she looks at me. There’s a knock at the bedroom door, “you guys decent?” I hear her ask, “c’mon in Ma” I hear him reply. “Cass is still asleep? That’s not like her”, she knows I never sleep. “We were up really late last night” I hear Ian mumble, “Where were you last night?” “We just crashed at Diamonds, we drank a little” I hear him lie to her. “Well then I’m glad you stayed, you know how I feel about you drinking and driving”. She wasn’t lying, we’d had the lecture at least 5 different times.
I hear Ian’s lighter, and I know they’re sitting and smoking together. I roll over, pull the blanket against my breasts and open my eyes. “Well good morning” she says to me, I smile at her and ask her how work was. She goes on about some guy looking for some plant, and I tune her out. Ian lights a cigarette and hands it to me, he knows that his mom can talk forever. She asks me if I’m ok, says I seem a little bit distant, I remind her that we drank the night before and that I was just tired.
I know she see’s right through me, I know she can tell I’m lying and I prepare myself for the questions she’ll ask me later when we’re alone. I know that I could tell her anything, that she won’t judge me, or tell Ian, but that she’ll listen and try to understand. She was always like that though, she my mother was how, how we were barely even on a talking basis. She tried her best to do what she could to help me.
I wait for him to fall back asleep, uncovering myself I realize how cold it is. Hurriedly I find sweat pants and a hoodie, then go on a scavenger hunt for socks. I tiptoe around the bed and sneak out the door. I grab my cigarettes from my pocket and light one as I walk to the kitchen, I look around for Debbie. She’s in the kitchen, at the counter, where she always is.
“Hey girlie” she says to me, I smile at her sheepishly, and try not to look her in the eye. “What happened last night Cass?” she says as she looks at me avoiding her eye contact. “I don’t know mom, I don’t know what to do” and I can feel the sting in my eyes as the tears start to roll down my cheeks. “I woke up this morning and I was laying in someone else’s bed , with some guy I don’t know”. She looks at me across the counter and I can tell she’s trying to find the right words to say. She knows how sensitive I am, that the smallest thing can send me over the edge and I’ll start bawling.
“Well did you try and talk to him?” she finally asks me, “no, we left before he was awake” I tell her. “Are you going to tell Ian?” she asks, “You know how he is mom, you know how bad that would hurt him”, “He loves you Cass, he really loves you and your right it would hurt him, but don’t you think he should know?”, “What am I going to do mom? If I tell him it will crush him, but at the same time if I don’t what if he finds from someone else? The worst part is that I don’t even know what happened”.
I help Debbie make dinner, we stand at the counter and cut up cucumbers together. We talk about stupid things, about how cold it is, how its only August and its only 60 degrees outside. I’ve never been part of a family until Ian and I started dating, his family welcomed me with open arms, and had never turned their backs on me in any situation.
I left Debbie in the kitchen, and slowly opened the bedroom door, I crawled into bed next to Ian and wrapped my arms around him.

Get Ready...

Tomorrow will start a new adventure for us

Desperation

Writing this it may be the hardest post I've ever written, it may be the hardest part of my past to uncover with you, and it may scare you the way, well the way it still terrifies me.

I was three, it was recently after my parents had divorced. It started so young, I was at his house for the weekend.

The rage between him and my mother was so thick you could taste it in the air. I knew when he picked me up that Friday, I knew that it would be a long weekend. I knew that something was going to happen, though I could have never thought it to be something that still haunts me.

They say that since it happened so young that my memory shouldn't be so vivid about it, if they only knew.

We had just finished painting my new bedroom, my dad laid on the bed, exhausted from his day, I lay next to him feeling safe in his arms. He looked at me and smiled, I felt the knot in my stomach knowing that something was wrong. Call it a childs intuiton if you will.

I felt his hand on my thigh, I tried to ignore it. I felt it creeping up and I felt it go inside my pants. I hear him saying "it'll be ok Cass, but you can't tell anyone, this is our little secret". I remember the sterness in his voice, how serious he was.

I won't tell you the details, because I don't think that anyone really wants to hear them. I went home and I told my mother, and I still remember her tears, the way she cried. I remember the exam from the doctor, and I remember my grandfather's eyes, the deepest look of sadness in them.

Few have I shared this with, though recently I did share it with Dan, who was more than supportive.

Inspirational thoughts

So I got inspired by Perv

Places I've had sex:

My dad's house
My aunt's house
Dan's Car
Brian's Car
My apartment
Brandon's parents house
Dad's House
My uncle's apartment
The bathroom at the library
In Alisha's grandma's house
Chelsea's parents house
Chris' House in the basement on the pool table
Dan's House
Ian's parents House
Ian's Car
My parents apartment
Our old house in R.E.D.

I think thats it...I'll add more as I remember them

Not today

Ugh...not today

Safest Place to Hide

When Pancho asked about my wants, my desires it sent me thinking, and honestly since I haven't stopped, this post will be long but I won't apologize. Its a hard one for me to write.

I think that humans crave just a few simple things; Food, sleep, love and other human contact. Obviously I am completly fine fufilling the first two on my own. I can both feed myeslf and fall asleep.

When I talk about love I'm not talking about puppy dog love, I'm talking about deep emotional unconditional love. The kind where you are deeply connected to someone. This kind of love breaks through the barriers, and leaves you connected to a person in a way that you yourself never really felt posssible.

I want to be someone's everything, I want to be the firs thing on his mind when he wakes up, the last thing on his mind when he goes to bed and everything else in between. I don't want him to think, but to know that I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, both inside and out. I want him to know when something's wrong and he's in 2,000 miles away just because he can feel it.

I want to be able to get lost in his eyes, in his arms and in his heart. I want to feel safe when he holds me, I want to be his world. I want to come before his friends, though its still important that he keeps friends, I want him to come home after a night with the boys and say "baby I'm just glad to be home" I want his love to be enough, to be enough to satisfy that ultimate place in my heart, it must be someone who can be my better half.

I want someone who can compliment me, not take away what I have to offer the world. When he looks at me, I want him to feel like he's the lucky one. I want him to think that his search is over, because no one can ever be as amazing as me. I want him to make passionate love to me, not just have sex, I want there to be that soul-connection, I want to feel ultimatley close to him while we make love, to feel the ultimate connection.

I want him to look into my eyes every night and think about how beautiful I am. I want him want to change absolutley nothing about me, because I am as perfect as he wants. I want him to be sensitive enough to understand my needs as a woman, but also to have a masculine side to him, a protective side.

When we're 50, I want him to still look at me and think the things he thought when we were twenty. I want him to think that age has only improved me. I want him to think that I've only made his life better and to have no regrets. I want him to be more in love with me than he's ever been.

I think because of my past with my father (I will post about this at a later date) my whole life I have felt threatened by men, until I met Brandon. You may think the above doesn't exist, but have experienced it myself I would have to tell you that your wrong, because I know it does. I have felt it, and when losing it, it creates the biggest hole, the deepest emptiness you could ever imagine feeling.

I want him to be my safest place to hide.

Please don't take my heart away

I'm going to share something with you today that I've never shared with anyone, something that I'm only sharing because well this for me is annonymous.

I've mentioned her before, but because its only fair to her I will not mention her name in this post. I will let her go unamed, we will call her "Almost Lover".

She was my best friend for almost 3 yrs, she knew everything about me, and she accepted me for everything that I was. I knew in my heart that I had developed feelings for her, but I ignored them, I ignored them with everything I can.

While nothing ever really happened with us, besides quite a few showers together, some baths and cuddling at night while we sleep (nothing sexual ever happened during any of those). I sometimes willed it to, and sometimes while intoxicated we discussed it happening.

We work together now, but we hardly speak. We've grown too far apart now, but today after a brief conversation with her at work I remembered what it was like to feel her touch again, and it made me remember.

The Wrath of the Yellow Lighter

I started smoking when I was 12, so I have much experiance in the "things you should never do while smoking" routine. They include things such as never spray something flammable while smoking, never light your cigarette inside your shirt (i've lit my hair on fire quite a few times doing this) and never NEVER carry a yellow lighter.

I'm not big on superstitions, in fact I'll be the first to tel you that your crazy for believing that walking under a ladder or breaking a mirror will bring you bad luck. The yellow lighter however is something I am an avid believer of. I unfortunatly have had very bad luck with yellow lighters.

The night they put my mom on life support I was carrying one, the day Joslynn died, also the day Sean found out he had cancer, the list goes on. When I noticed my aunt carrying a yellow lighter a few weeks ago, I kindly tried to warn her.

She laughed at me, told me I was crazy. Its been almost a month since she's been carrying it and has for the most part avoided its wrath, until yesterday that it. My aunt recently bought a new car, she was driving to my aunt's who lives about an hr away. On her way there she was rear ended, her brand new car totaled.

She threw the lighter away this morning.

Z-racks, Trucks, Darren, and a bloody nose

I was at work this morning, and while I was working I was thinking about the fact that I never really blog about work. Considering that unfortunatly its such a big part of my life...it suprised me.

I work in retail, and now that we're in 4th quarter and we're actually in the holiday season things are very crazy at work. Our trucks are getting bigger every day and unfortunatly our employee base has stayed about the same.

I work on the Logistics/Flow team basically meaning that I unload the truck in the morning and push the stuff to the floor, and put it out. Below you will find some retail terminology to help you better understand this post.

I got to work this morning, my ETL was late, so I had to stand outside in the cold. Then the truck was bigger than expected, the other softlines girl called off, and since losing chatty kathy due to her sticky fingers we've been very short handed.

I got the Z-Racks and finished settting up softlines only to find that I had no help whatsoever. While unloading a pallet I cut the hell out of my hand, bleed all over my khaki pants, and Darren (my boss) bitched at me for it.

Finally around 9am (even though I was scheduled to leave at 8) they finally sent me some help, at 9:30am my nose started gushing blood. Got bitched at again...but we finished by ten at least. Now I'm home and I think I need a nap, thank god for being off tonight.

Retail Terminology:

ETL: Executive team leader
Z-Rack:a movable clothing rack
Softlines: anything on carpet in a store, in my store it includes Womans, Mens, Girls, Boys, Infants, Baby, Jewelery, Lingere, Hosiery, Sleepwear and shoes *yeah only one person for ALL that*
Push:Stocking

Don't make me let you go

So as I lay awake last night thinking about the last week or so, thinking about how weird life has been lately I think I may have come to a realization, which follows below;

For awhile, at least at first I stayed with Dan for what I thought was the sex, because I needed human contact, I needed touch. Now I realize differently, its not the sex, its in that moment afterward. The distinct moment in which I feel absolutley safe, that nothing can touch me, that it really all will be ok.

Recently (about the last 2 weeks) life has been really rocky, there have been some rough patches, speed bumps in my path. Dan being my main comfort, I think I'm letting myself fall for him, and I don't even really know that if in my life I'm ready for love, at least not yet.

Is it too soon since Brandon? Is my heart ready for this? I'm not sure, because my wounds still really haven't healed. Only time will tell.

Run away this time without you...

So a recent letter to Dan goes as follows:

I tried to call you, but I'm pretty sure that your sleeping, which is what I too would be doing if I didn't have to go to work. I'm sorry if you feel like I'm avoiding you, I'm not. I know you think you understand how I feel, but you do really?

Dan this has been so hard for me, within the last 3 weeks I've lost two of the most important people in my life. Though things with Brandon hadn't been good lately, his death hurt me more than I could have ever imagined it would.

In being upset I think that I keep trying to push you away because I'm scared, but unlike I thought your pushing back. I don't want to doubt us, but it scares me to get close to you, to let you in. I feel like because I'm vulnerable if I let you in it gives you the chance to hurt me, something that right now I'm not sure I could handle if it happened.

If you want in, then I will let you, but please make sure its what you want first. Please don't hurt me. We didn't get to really "date" before I was pregnant, and though this was an accident maybe its a blessing in disguise. Please make sure this is truly what you want, to be with me. If you decide it is, then I will stop pushing and I will let you, but know that I do nothing half heartedly, I will give it everything I have.Maybe your not ready for that? well you have to be the one to decide.

Moving to Chicago together is a huge step, please make sure your really ready. I know it all seems appealing, the money we have, the house, working for my grandpa, but please make sure its what you want. If you call later, I'll answer for you, but please only call if you want this, because to me your phone call will mean your ready.

Grace

i'm falling in love with him and the harder I seem to fall, the farther it feels like he pulls away. Why?

The harder I fall the more Brandon tries to break those barriers again...Why?

I thought you'd want the same

So in lue of writing, I decided to write about something important.

Dan. (see photo on left)

See I still think he's too good for me, he could do much better than me, but still its me he wants.

and still I'm not really too sure why. I'm falling in love with him though and that scares me terribly. but he's exactly whats making me happy in my life right now.

NaBloPoMo

So in honor of my blog writing or that so lacking of it lately I have decided to do NaBloPoMo...
It should be interesting if nothing else...30 straight days of posts. Yipee!

Smiles

This made my day :)

Xia hanging on the kitchen window

What about now?

Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
But are not saying.

Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?
Change the colors of the sky.
And open up toT
he ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.

For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day.
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace.

Shadows fade into the light
.I am by your side,
Where love will find you.
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?

What if our love, it never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

Now that we're here,
Now that we've come this far,
Just hold on.
There is nothing to fear,
For I am right beside you.
For all my life,I am yours.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

As long as your here

I woke up last night to my phone vibrating on the night stand next to me. The stupid red light blinking, meaning I have a new text message. It was from Brandon, saying he needed my advice on something...

Now I will vent:

WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM? HE CAN'T JUST WALK IN AND OUT OF MY LIFE AT HIS CONVENICE, IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY! I AM A HUMAN BEING WITH EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS AND EVERYTIME HE DOES THIS IT CRUSHES ME!

Of course my reply was; of course, whats going on. And OF COURSE he needed guy advice, ugh. Its really hard for me to imagine him with a man, especially having sex with another man, in fact we won't even go there.

But of course I miss him, and today that was all I needed to take me there.

Some more things that wise old man taught me

Forgive yourself your mistakes. You learn from them, and with any luck you’ll have got them out your system when you’re young, and won’t have to bother with a mid-life crisis.
Don’t define yourself through anyone else. Work out what you’re all about, and look for someone to complement you, not to complete you.

Be honest with yourself and others. You don’t have to be flawless and perfect to be loved and appreciated. And there’s nothing wrong with making people work for it it a bit, sometimes.
There’s plenty of time for everything. This is the great mystery of life, and you won’t find it out for a while. You don’t need to pack everything into now, and even if you do, so much of it will be wasted on you until you learn how to really savour it.

He doesn’t think you’re beautiful because he loves you. You are beautiful. But he does love you and that’s OK.

You’re a girl. Appreciate how lucky you are at this time in history. You can do anything and be anything you want to. Go and get the world, and beat it into submission. Or not. Whatever you want.

Know what you want, and know how to get it. Men love that kind of thing.

You have amazing gifts: you are immensely charming, astoundingly articulate and mind-bogglingly manipulative. Use your powers for good, sweetie. Please.

Know who you are. No one else will ever get it right, so don’t depend on them.
Never stop kicking against the pricks, speaking up for what you believe in, and standing up to be counted. Never forget that respect is earned, not given.

When you say nothing at all

Things with Dan and I have been exceptionally good lately, I haven't really thought of Brandon too much lately, let alone miss him. A recap of the other night:

We're currently apartment searching, we finally found the perfect one. In celebration we went furniture shopping, which actually turned out to be fun, he didn't complain once (probably because he knows hes getting that damn 40' HD flat screen).

We stopped by to visit Ann and Larry (my best friends parents) just to hang out and well mostly cause they keep calling cause they miss us. One moment that sticks in my mind is as follows:
Larry (who works 16 hr days 6 days a week) was enjoying his one day off and was drunk. He absolutly loves Dan, looks at me and asks if I'm ok, I assure him I'm just overtired. He looks at Dan and says don't worry baby, I know he'll take care of you. Dan looks me in the eye and says I will take care of her, you don't have to worry Larry. She is my everything.
Soon after we left.

We went to starbucks and our ritual rather than sit inside with the overly hyper high school kids is that we park behind starbucks and talk. This is one of my favorite things, we get to really talk, about whatever.

Halfway through our conversation though I ruined the moment. I had my hand on his thigh and had been slowly inching it toward his crotch. I was getting close...

He leaned in and kissed me, in a way he never had before. I can't really explain what I felt in that kiss, but it was def more than I expected. We made love in his car, yes I said made love. There is a very distinct difference between making love and having sex, and this is the first time we have made love.

Needless to say...it was a good night. It made going to work with only an hr and a half of sleep not so horrible (the 3 hrs nap after work helped too). I'm off tonight...which means I will catch up on my sleep. I hope tonight I'm dreaming of him and not Brandon, because I think finally my heart may be healing.

Lawn Gnoming

So Perv asked about the silliest thing I've ever done, so I decided to share the BCB (the breakfast condiment bandits) stories with you. Now remember to yourself that this last year has been a very rough one for me, and for me this was my escape.

It started out actually as a mistake, you see graduation night we were extremley drunk and ended up stealing Lawn Gnomes, well we realized that night what a rush it was...

Sitting at Ram's Horn one night, around one am drinking coffee Friend 1 and I were reminiscing about that night. We discussed going out again, decided that we'd do it, I was putting sweet n' low in my coffee and I got an idea. We should leave something in place of the lawn ornaments we had taken.



This is how the BCB formed. that night from Ram's Horn we emptied the creamer bowl, the jelly stand, and the sugar bowl. We got friend 2 and began our adventures.



It led to some really late nights, but I think that in a way that it brought us closer than we had ever been.

The rules are as follows:

1. No gnoming before midnight
2. Never hit up the same neighboorhood more than once
3. No religious figures i.e. no virigin mary's, baby jesus', and no buddha's (you don't fuck with other people's religions)
4. Only one breakfast condiment shall be left in place of the gnome, unless it was over 20 LBS then several condiments could be left.

At one point our apartment was filled with over 50 Lawn Gnomes...including my favorite Billy the light up Flamingo.

Some Happy Stories

So I debated about what I was going to share, looking back through the last year at my old blog which had to be moved which you can find located here ( http://www.ufoundme416.livejournal.com/)
I decided that I'm going to share with you some dad stories...

My real dad, is a bit of a jerk. We don't spend much time together, which really to me isn't such a big deal, at least not anymore. I left home the week after I turned 18, I moved in with my friend Monica, her dad and her brothers Sam and Brian.

I had been close with Monica's family for a long time and I really enjoyed being with them, they were like no family I had ever met. They were really open with each other, they were allowed to drink (of course there was a no driving rule) we could have sex in the house (as long as you put the monkey on your door knob) and they talked, really shared things.

I became really close with Monica's dad and her brothers (while actually drifting a little away from Monica). They really became family to me.

Autumn (another close friend of mine) and I skipped school one day, we stayed at the house and slept in. We woke up made a starbucks run and returned home. We found cookie dough in the fridge (which turns out was six months past its expiriation date) and soon became quite sick.

Autumn went home, and I lay on the couch with my bucket wishing I was dead. Sammy made me soup (which for Sam is a big deal, he was only 16 at the time and cooking def wasn't his strong point) dad left work early, he picked me up off the couch and took me upstairs, he let me lay in his bed with him and we had a Gilmore Girls marathon, Dad made me Kool-Aid (no one makes Kool-Aid like dad) and I puked all over him.

My real dad, would have been furious, he would have yelled, screamed, and possibly even have told me to leave. but monica's dad didn't. He got up, picked me up, moved me to my bed, changed the sheets and blankets and hopped in the shower. After his shower he came and got me and moved me back to his bed, restarting Gilmore Girls. I slept there that night, with dad and Echo (the dog)

The next day he skipped work and took me to the doctors, then we came home and laid in bed and watched movies. I slept in his bed again.

Now to you this may sound strange, I slept in some old man's bed, that wasn't my own father. But see that's one of the reason that this is one of my favorite memories, because I think this was the true beginning to our family.

Dad, Sam and Brian may be 3,000 miles away now, but they still call everyday. I know I have an open invitation anytime to come "home". I know that when I need them they are there, I know that Monica (my sister) is only 5 miles away. I know that they would do anything for me (more stories later) they've more than proven that.

I may not have my "real" family, but instead I have something better.

Some things you may not know

This is really a post out of boredom, but who cares really? Listed below you will find somethings you may not know about me.

I an drink an entire fifth of captain's to myself, in less than an hr...which usually leads to a good night.

I've only had one, one night stand... wait scratch that, Will and Kenny make it two

My name is tattooed on Will's chest inside of a heart...too bad he's marrying another woman now

I've been in love

I like sex, a lot, probably more than the average person

A man has never made me orgasm

I masterbate at least twice a day

I wish my dad would come home

In the last year I have been to 14 funerals

If you met me, you wouldn't believe any of these things, let alone that I seriously attempted suicide.

I'm a genuinley happy person, though it may not always seem so due to my posts

I'm falling in love with a man who only wants me for sex

I had sex with a 50 yr old man at age 16...thats a really long story

I'm bored with my life at the moment...anything you guys wanna know? Please just ask, since I'm annonymous on here I don't have a problem sharing anything really.

The Haunting

Tonight...tonight it haunts me, more than it has in a long time. Sometimes I can't believe how much I miss him, sometimes I can't believe how after so long it can hurt this much, or how the tears can fall so easily, how I can miss his touch, I miss the way his skin feels against mine, his breath against the back of my neck...

Snowballs

had a dream last night:It was snowing, I was walking in it, trying to clear my head. i was standing in a field and across the field I could see you, you reached out for me, but I wouldn't take your hands. You said everything would be ok, not to worry.

You reached your gloved hands out and try to put your arms around me, I let you pull me close and I cried on your chest. You started playing with my hair, and I seemed to realize what was happening, and I pulled away from you. I looked you in the eye, and I don't think I will ever forget how blue they were at that moment, I told you no. A single tear rolled down your cheek and I wiped it away.

I reminded you that you left me, that you walked away, and it seemed as though you realized the gravity of losing me, which now I wonder if you ever will.

i woke up at 1:30 to a tear soaked pillow, I don't know how long I had been crying, Today, the lump rises in my throat as I think of the things that I have to do, because I know you won't. its not really that I want to tell them, but if I don't i don't think that I'll be ok. it's not about pissing you off, not at all. In fact I don't hate you, or resent you, I just miss you. I wish someone could fill up these holes, I really did believe you were the one, in fact I still do, which is probably why I'm havng such a hard time with this.

Wait for you

Said girl sits in the car staring out the window, she's with the boys and they're on their way to Chicago for a show. She sits with her head against the window staring at the rain. She tries to hold back the tears but its never been harder, and she wonders why life has to be this way.

She moves away from the window, puts her head on his shoulder and lets him hold her, he's her best friend, and though none of this is his fault she needs him now more than ever. She cries, she cries hard, he holds her tight, and for a single moment she feels safe again.

You've have been the one

As I lay with him tonight, I lay on his chest and let him hold me. Something that until tonight I had hardly let him do. I let his smell capture me, his rough facial hair caress me, and I let him consume me in a way I had yet to.

I took his kiss for everything it was worth, I moaned as he played with my tongue ring, something he had never done before. I let the warmth of his body warm my own, and I let my heart capture that moment, because in that moment I realized that everything, no matter how screwed up, would be ok.

An Old Man

A wise old man taught me three simple rules about life:

1.) It will always be ok, no matter what it is, no it might not turn out like you wanted or how you planned it, but it will be ok.

2.) Boys will always be assholes, its just about finding the one who's worth putting up with

3.) As long as you have one true friend your doing better than the rest of the world (and as he said, I have at least 5)


A girl sits in the bathroom of her local target store (also her place of work) staring at the test, willing it to change its results, because she knows her life is about to change forever and all because of this stupid stick she peed on

ugh...you've got to be kidding

a 7 day late period? A very queasy feeling girl? I have a feeling I know what this means...and its no good.

Now excuse me while I go rid all of my insides

Take me back there

Sometimes all it takes is the smell of his cologne, a lyric from a song, or like tonight a simple sunset, falling across the lake to take me back.

When it hits, it starts slow, creeping into my heart and eating at it. Then like wildfire, it consumes me.

The memories float gracefully through my mind, only lingering long enough to tease me. It bites and grabs hold taking me back there again.

I let it set in, and I allow myself to remember him, the sweet smell of skin, the warm of his body against mine. I let myself think of what it felt like to make love to him, the way his lips felt against my ears as he whispered into them. The way our lips fit together, the way it felt when he held me, sharing our deepest secrets.

I let it flow through my body, it creates this warm sensation that makes me drowsy, and then the emptiness sets in.

It the biggest sense of a whole that I have heard felt, it truly feels as though something is not right, like there in fact really is a piece of my heart missing, and without him it will never beat regularly again.

Favorite Places

Sometimes, at least on days like today, days when all I want to do is disappear, I go to my favorite place and I watch the sunset. Its probably one of the most calming things in the world to me.

Work lately has been very stressful, and with the holiday season approaching its only going to get worse, much worse. My feet hurt, I am tired, going on hardly any sleep is starting to catch up to me.

I wish Dan would call, though I know that the odds of this happening aren't likely, a girl can wish right?

I wish I could just get along with my family...another unlikely sinario.

SO tonight? its me, the sunset, and movies...tomorrow? sleeping in, at least til 7.

Cold as you

So I guess I've learned my lesson...
I don't think he'll be calling
It's my own fault, I realize that I trusted him, too soon.
I should have known better.
He got what he wanted why would he stay?


Shen you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, ain't no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counting all the scars you made
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

Her better half

The wind blows her hair, she sits in the soggy grass with her knees at her chest. She buries her head in them and lets the tears flow. She tries to take herself back to that moment, the moment when she lost herself in the passion. She tries to recall why she let him, why when she knew this would happen?

Its four days later and he still hasn't called, not since that night, when she let him take her vulnerability and have it. She remembers how good it felt, and wonders what she did wrong. She only gave him what he wanted.

Mmm...

So I thought as contrast I'd know tell you the story of the first time Dan and I slept together:

The sexual tension between us had been building for weeks, there had been many almosts, we had "fooled around" but we had yet to actually do the deed.

At a mutual friends house, we were laying together, cuddling. It was late, the moon shining in through the window being the only light. He rolled over and kissed me, he has a very distinct kiss, and it always draws me in, and I lost myself in it that night. I liked the way he felt against me.

I rolled on top of him, grinding on him as we kisssed, I could feel him harden underneath me. He moaned with pleasure as I kissed his neck, moving my body downward. His hands on my hips slowly went up the back of my shirt, which he quickly removed. I could feel his breath against my breasts.

I discovered new things about his body, about his nipples and his ball sac, the things he liked best. It wasn't making love, not like it was with Brandon, yes it was passion filled but not in the same way.

Still it was good, afterward we lay together for a few short minutes, before we both scrambled to find our cigarettes. I like feeling that close to a person, as I do with him now.

Your kiss

After reading the blogs that I so often read I was inspired; here is the story of the first time I made love with Brandon:

We were in my apartment, it was a Thursday night and we were laying in my bed. I was curled up to him sleeping while he sat on my laptop surfing the web. I woke up, sleep still in my eyes and asked him what time it was. He laughed and told me that Grey's (our favorite show) wasn't on yet, and I laughed at how well he really did know me.

He lay down next to me, he always laid on his stomach, so I curled up next to him and put my arm around him. I played with his hair, I loved his hair. He rolled onto his side and rolled into me, He put his hand on my back and kissed me. I could sense his nervousness, I was the more expereinced one here which gave me great confidence. he slid his hand up my back, hitting the spot on my back which drives me absolutley crazy.

I kissed him harder, and rolled on top of him, I grinded against him as I kissed him. He moaned with pleasure, I took off his shirt, and he switched positions now him on top of me. He took off my shirt and kissed the place between my breasts, and he kissed me again, I moaned with pleasure.

His innocence captivated me, I knew I would be his first, and I knew that he truly loved me. We were naked now, and he was on top, he looked at me and said Cass I have no idea what I'm doing. I smiled at him and said its ok, I rolled him over and put the condom on him. I was on top, we made passionate love. It wasn't sex, it was love.

Afterward we lay together, and in that moment I had never felt closer to anyone.

What now?

What do you do when you've found that one person? The one person who made life make sense, the one who knew me, truly knew every inch of me? What are you supposed to do when they're gone? What am I supposed to do with this hole in my heart? What am I supposed to do when I can't sleep because you haunt me?

Break Down Here

I have good days and bad days, some days I can laugh while others I feel as if though I can barely breath.

Yesterday was a bad day...it left me with tears in my eyes as I tried to fall asleep last night. On days when Dan is not with me, those are my worst days. When I'm with him, I can put Brandon to the back of my mind and just ignore it. Pretend like its not sitting there, eating at my soul like it truly is.

There is a guy at work that reminds me of Brandon, very much of him. From his smell, to his eyes, to his laugh, the way he draws me in sometimes...

I can still hear his voice, calming me, I wish he could still sing to me, I remember the way it made my heart flutter with joy, I don't know if I can give up on us now.

I know I can say we're through, tell myself I'm over you. But even if I made a vow, I promise not to miss you now, even if I try to hide the truth inside. I just can't live a lie.

I can't forget the look that tells me that you want me, or the reasons that make lovin you so easy? The kiss that always makes it hard to breath? Or the way you know just what I mean.

I want my life

Make it stop...make my dreams of him shatter.

I try
To be the woman I am
In times of broken lives
And shattered dreams and plans

Standing up to fight
The pressures and demands
Staring at the knife
And holding in your hand
What used to be your life

This world is crazy
My dreams are fading
I want my life

You fight
Your fucked up holy wars
Fire anti-christJesus will come down
And help us win tonight

Now how should I feelI think I feel alright
So tell me where to aim
I'm blinded by the light

This world is crazy
My dreams are fading
No one can save me
I want my life

And when I wake up you'll be here
And it will be the way it was

Dreams

Though yes, it is only Wednesday, this week has been extraordinarily long. I was off Labor Day :), but between Sunday and Tuesday i have worked DOUBLE the hrs that I was scheduled for this week and still have three days to go.

I got home at 4p.m. last night (I start work at 4am), collapsed on my bed due to exhaustion and fell asleep. I awoke at around 9:15pm startled by my dreams again. They're back...

Brandon and I were still together, things were going exceptionally well between us. We were at his cottage, we were living there. It was an absolutly beautiful place and His grandparents were living about a mile from us, they had come over for dinner. The dinner was nothing spectacular, but his grandparents were grateful that we had invited them over, after dessert they left. Brandon and I were laying on the couch together watching a movie, when he placed his hand on my stomach and asked how I was feeling.

I leaned over and kissed him and told him I was feeling better, that my nausea has subsided for the most part, but that I was very tired and thought about calling it a night. He agreed and we went upstairs together. We made passionate love, much like the night when we made love for the first time. Afterwards I collapsed into his arms, he held me tight and told me that I was his everything, and he sang that song to me...

I awoke with a start, my pillow wet again from the tears. In the darkness I reached for him, though I knew in my heart he wouldn't be there.

I rolled over and reached for my cigarettes, after lighting one I turned on the TV hoping to escape my mind from what I just dreamt, trying to not see more into it. I reached for my phone, debated calling him, but quickly decided against it.

I don't know why I'm dreaming about him again, I truthfully thought that I had moved past that, and am quite curious what triggered my dream last night. I know I thought about him a few times yesterday, maybe thats what caused it? I guess I'll never know. The rest of the night was Brandon free...I slept clear until 2:30 this morning when my alarm went off.

Ugh...

I'm so sick of being this tired, sometimes its overwhelming how my job can seem to take over my life. WIth the insane hrs that I work it doesn't allow much time for sleeping. I try to be in bed by 8p.m. at the absolute latest, so that I can rise at a stifling 2:30a.m. for work. It frustrates both Dan and I the lack of time we get to spend together because of our complete opposite schedules, I work 4 til whenever, while he works noon to 8ish. This makes our time together well yes much appreciated but too scarce or both our tastes. It involves many midnight meeting, much time just happy to be together, even if our eyes are closed and we're sleeping. I wish I could get a job with at least semi-normal business hrs.

Not to mention that the physical exertion of my job sometimes seems to consume me, and there are days that I could just crawl into my bed and sleep forever, too bad I really can't.

6 letter words

When I hear that word, it sent shivers through my spine, it makes my world stop, at the sound of the word my life stops instantly and I panic. It's a 6 letter word that has taken too many from me, its a word that ruins lives.

Reading it, this morning, it brought tears to my eyes. It took me back to the ones that its taken from me, just in the last year. It took me back to Sean, and it brought the lonliness I felt with it. It brought me back his smiling face, it took me back to some of the most wonderful moments of my life.

It brought back remembrance for my grandpa, it made me relive my childhood for just a few short moments.

But it also brought back the pain.

Please don't take Cindy too, she needs her too much...

Cancer.

It's long overdue

I know this post is long overdue...but I think that maybe I truly am finally ready, hey I even put out my cigarette for this.

June 22nd 2007:

I went to work like any other day, 4am til eleven, I came home I talked to Brandon for 2 hrs, and he told me he thought he was still in love with me. I got off the phone and cried. I pulled myself together and went to my mom's, I wanted to check on her (at this point she had just come home from the hospital,( she almost died in a car accident on mother's day) She was still very sick, and my grandpa had just died after a 2 yr battle with lung cancer. Things in my life were slowly going back to normal again, though I was still unsure of whether or nor I was pregnant.

I bought a test at meijer and took it in the bathroom, its negative result stung. I didn't tell him that night, instead we talked for hrs about the possibility, and then he told me that he was falling in love with Chuck.

The baclofen was my uncles and after 40 pills I thought I would really be gone. I remember only seeing his face, that was all that mattered. I lost an entire day of my life. They say that people don't remember being on life support, that its just an empty hole in their minds, I beg to differ.

I remember EMS telling my aunt that they thought I was DOA (dead on arrival), I remember them talking to me, trying to calm me. I remember waking up in the hospital, the nurses trying to keep me from pulling out my trach, the thing that was breathing for me. I remember trying to get out of the restraints, the way I felt so trapped.

I remember my aunt rubbing my head, telling me that she loved me, that it was all going to be ok, that no one was mad. I remember the tears that streamed from my eyes and how they made my aunt leave, because she was upsetting me too much.

I remember the way they all talked to me the next day as I was fully awake, and now, now I must live with what I've done. I remember the lunch, where some of my best friends walked away from me, not wanting to deal with me. Mostly though I remember his and mine last conversation as he told me that he could no longer trust me and was sick of trying.

and all I said: Baby why don't you stay?

Stay...

I've been sittin' here stairin' at the clock on the wall
And I've been layin' here prayin'
Prayin' she won't callIt's just another call from home
and you'll get it and be gone and I'll be cryin'
And I'll be beggin' you baby
Beg you not to leave

But I'll be left here waitin'
My Heart on my sleeve
Oh for the next time we'll be here seems like a million years and I think I'm dyin'

What do I have to do to make you see
She can't love you like me
Why don't you stayI'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of bein' lonely
Don't I give you what you need

When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay

You keep tellin' me baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like bein' used and I'm tired of waitin'

It's too much pain to have to bare
To love a man you have to share
Why don't you stayI'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of bein' lonely
Don't I give you what you need

When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stayI can't take it any longer but my will is gettin' stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I've put in it

I've given you my best
Why does she get the best of you
So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine
Why don't you stay I'm up off my knees I'm so tired of bein' lonely
You can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should knowI don't have to live this way

Baby why don't you stay

Please Remember Me

So popular to contrary belief, I still miss him. A random text sent to him at 2:58am this morning as I'm talking to Dan...

I need you to tell me its ok, I need you to tell me its ok to give my heart to him

Of course the response, "What?" was what I recieved

I still remember

I seem to be having the oddest dreams lately, ones that take me back, far back to things that I truly care not to remember.

One, the one that seems to be the most disturbing one, is of Joslynn. I still, to this day remember the day she died, I still as I sit and think about it I can feel the emotions start to creep through my veins again. I can feel the aching in my heart again, and I long for her, the way I did just after I lost her.

I don't know exactly what triggered these dreams, maybe it was the drive past the telephone pole a few weeks ago, maybe it was just something underlying inside of me, I just don't know.

I remember that day so clearly:

I remember saying goodbye to her at school that day, I hugged her and told her to call me. I walked out of school that day with Amanda, Craig and Steven. That whole day had seemed weird, there was just an uneasiness about it all. I remember going home, eating dinner with my family, I remember doing my homework and then I remember the phone ringing, I remember the way my heart sank when my aunt told whoever it was on the other line that I would have to talk to them tomorrow because it was too late for me to be on the phone. I remember the walk to school the next morning, it seemed to endless and nothing short of 4 heavy hearted people.

Though none of us spoke of it, we all seemed to know something had happend. I remember walking through the front doors of Hilbert Junior High that morning, to see nothing but grief. I knew as Alisha ran to me, I knew what had happened. I didn't need an explanation, I didn't need to know the details.

We left school early that day, Ann (alisha's mom) picked us up from school and we went to the telephone pole where she was killed and we wrote messages and we left flowers and as a community, we pulled together.

The days leading to the funeral seem to be a blur now, it was filled with too many tears, too much heartache after losing someone at such a young age. I remember the way Tina and Savanah held me that day, how at such a young age we had experienced too much of the cruel harsh world.

The funeral was long, I still remember the looks on parents faces as we stood outside in a group, smoking, at 13 yrs old. The way that they cruelly judged us, The way they never should have been allowed to. I remember the few parents that were there for us, the ones who tried their best to comfort us and remind us how we still had each other...

Now, 6 yrs later,when I look back at these moments, its still one of the saddest moments of my life, but it was a huge part of my growing up. It forced me to face things I shouldn't have had to face, and it taught me love, like I had never felt

Saints and Sailors

I seem to be torn today...

This is where I say I've had enough And no one should ever feel The way that I feel now. A walking open wound, A trophy display of bruises And I don't believe That I'm getting any better.

Waiting here with Hopes the phone will ring And I'm thinking awful things And I'm pretty sure That few would notice. And this apartment Is starving for an argument. Anything at all to break the Silence. Wandering the house Like I've never wanted out And this is about As social as I get now.

And I'm throwing away The letters that I am writing you 'cause they would never do, I would never do. So don't be a liar, Don't say that "Everything's working"

When everything's broken. And you smile like a saint But you curse like a sailor And your eyes say the joke's on Me.

I won't go home without you

I am slowly moving past my Brandon crisis, of course I still miss him, he's the one that my heart beats for. If its meant to be then one day down the paths of our lives we will be reunited, for now its in gods hands.

Things with Dan? Good! I've really let him in a lot lately, and I think its been good for our relationship. I let him read the email from Brandon, since well he had to see me so upset over it and we talked about it, it was good.

Things I like about Dan:

He too has a very strange sense of humor
The way his eyes light up when he gets excited
The way he talks to me, like no one else in the world even matters
His eyes (I never thought I would fall for a guy with brown eyes)
His smile, how genuine and sincere it is
The fact that he's willing to fit me into his life and work around my schedule (working 4am til noon is a crappy shift and requires a very early bedtime)
He has the longest fingers I have ever seen, the way they fit perfectly around my hand
His lips, how soft they are
His bald head, its shiny
His flip flops (Hehe)
His sense of understanding
His need to protect me

K 'nough for now, but as all can see, I think right now Dan is a very good thing for me :)

I'm not ready

I have so many feelings right now, bottled up mostly, because lets face it, who really am I to share them with? I will write a detailed post soon, especially preluding my last entry...I just, well I need some "me" time persay. Until later this week...

A letter from him

A text message at 2:07 this morning was recieved from Brandon...saying he has sent me an email...here's the email

You broke my heart, after telling me over and over how much you loved me, how I was the first to make you think of the future, how you wished I were the first you had ever met. I fell in love with you, and for the first time, you showed me what true love really was.

So many moments spent in eachother's arms, in eachother's eyes, in eachother's hearts. You treated me like a prince, like the only one you ever cared to be with, only to turn and treat me like I was a plauge that had attached itself to you and refused to leave. You told me I had nothing to worry about. That I was the one you would be there for in the end. That I was best for you, and that I was what you wanted.

We cried together, and then we laughed together. You opened my heart to a love so wonderful and true, with no intentions of ever staying, or meaning the words you spoke. Every word that came from my mouth came from my heart and was meant. Every kiss stopped time, every touch sent chills through me. I would have been there for you through it all. I would have never hurt you. I will still be here for you, even if you arent for me. You once told me you didnt want to hurt me. That it was your worst fear. And then you went and hurt me in the worst possible way you could, making me face my own worst fear.

I want to forgive you, open my arms to you, and still be in your life, but I must let go and see what else lies out there. To find the one who loves me the way I deserve to be loved. The one who loves me as much as I love them. But I refuse to place all my hope into something that is as unlikely as all those words you spoke to me over and over, comforting me.

I will be here if you fall, I will be here if you need me, but I cannot promise that I will be able to give you again what we once shared so beautifully. You will always carry a special place in my heart, even after all the pain, and tears, and hurt. My love wont fade. You are the one who showed me how happy I could be just by knowing a love so pure, and giving it to you. I will wait, but my life wont be on hold.

Let mercy come

I face myself to cross out what I've become, erase myself, and let go of what I've done.

I start again, and whatever pain may come, I've forgiving what I've done. Sometimes, at least on nights like tonight, nights when I'm alone and I think I realize I have to forgive myself first . I know how many people I have hurt, how many people have cried because of the pain I have caused. I know that some of them, the ones who have walked away, well I have to let them go, but I can't. I don't let go of anything, even when the pain hurts really bad.

He took a chance on a bruised and broken heart, then he realized he wanted what he had. I should have held onto my pride, I guess I got what I deserve. I guess I shoulda been more like him (Chuck)



When will it stop? When will I stop feeling like I've let everyone down? When will I wake up and be me again? When will I care again? I can't even cry anymore, it hurts that bad. I need the tears to fall, so I can be ok again, I need to let it out, but I can't. I guess for now I'll love like winter.



I need a day for myself, a day to do things that I want to

Where did it start?

I smiled today, I mean really smiled, its the first time in a long time. I don't remember what it's like to be happy, I only seem to remember how to be sad. I hate being so down all the time, if you knew me, the real me you would be like the rest of the world, doing whatever it takes to get the old Cassie back. The one who's the life of the party, whose smile can light up a room, the one who has a pretty face but an even more beautiful heart, the girl who always thinks of others before herself, and will give until she has nothing left. Where did she go? yeah I'd like to know where she went too.

I think my downfall started as things started going downhill with Brandon. For those of you who don't know that story I will put it sweet and simple. Brandon was my best friend, he was gay, we got very close, eventually we started dating, I fell in love with him. I still don't really know if he loved me, at least not the way that I loved him. We had a pregnancy scare, things kinda got ugly with his parents, and Brandon flew, he's not dating a guy named Chuck. I miss him, I miss the way that he would hold me, the way that he never judged me, I could really be myself with him, because he has known me so long and knew so much. Most of all I miss the way he brought me up, the way he could take any situation and find something positive in it. He proposed, we were engaged, he was my world, now I have nothing.

Tear stained sheets

I woke up around 2am this morning, a half hr before I have to get up for work, to find my pillow soaking wet. I was crying in my sleep again. I wonder how long it will take for this to finally all stop, how long before I'll feel more like me again. It's not fair that I miss you, I don't want to miss you, I don't even want to think about you for the most part, its remarkable how I could be having a perfectly good day, them some small thought of you will come floating back into my mind and how in an instant I could just cry for hrs.

I wonder sometimes if you ever think of me, do you ever pick up the phone to call? Do you ever wonder at night as you lay in bed what I'm doing or what I'm thinking? Do you think back to where things started to go wrong? Do you think about what might have been? Today I was reminded of the night you proposed, and I can't believe how deeply it still hurts. I have never let someone in the way I let you in, and I can't take back what I gave, nor am I sure I'll ever be able to love someone the way that I loved you.

Do you ever wish you could go back?

When your gone...

There are days when it feels like I can't breath without him. Just as I start to pick up the pieces, to maybe move on, my mind wanders back to him and it hurts more than ever. I hate that I gave him so much of me, the pieces of my heart are missing him. He has Chuch now, whom he loves very much, I have Dan, whom sometimes I think I am trying to convince myself to love. I don't know how to let him in, how to let him love me, maybe its too soon, maybe my heart just isn't ready. I want him to hold me, I want to look into his eyes again, to feel his gentle touch...

I dreamt once that I lost you, we were on iceburgs, and I can’t remember if you were floating away from me or if I was floating away from you, but I remember waking up beside you. It was the middle of the night and it was raining, like tonight. And I heard your breathing, calming me, it was like we could speak without words. I wondered how and when we learned it, this secret language. I only know that at some point, in the silences, I heard you. And now I’m left with words, these useless words, when all I want is to be beside you again, to make you feel safe, to help you sleep, to bring you back to me.

She's blowing smoke like halos

I want my life to fall back into place, for the pieces to just fall back to their spots and to go back to normal. I know this is not a reality, but yet just some crazy thing I imagine in my mind, I know that it will be a long time before things go back to the way they were. I want to be happy again,

I want to fall in love, I want to feel someone else's touch. I want someone to hold me when I cry, I want someone who will stand up for me when they know I'm wrong, someone who will walk beside me, someone who can't sleep at night because I'm what's on their mind. I want to be someone else's everything, they he was mine. I want someone to love me more than I love them, I want him to look me in the eye and say "baby your not pretty, your beautiful"

I guess I'll be stuck in this limbo, this place waiting for now...

Maybe its fate, or maybe I just fall too fasr

Cancel everything I said in my last post, my date with Dan was phenominal...I'm looking forward to spending more time with him. More on the details later.

We had fire in our eyes

We had time on our side in the beginning, we had nothing to hide, you blame me but its not fair when you said I didn't try, I swear I never meant to let it die, it's not fair for you to say that I didn't try, I just don't care about you anymore...(that last part's a lie)

I gave you everything Brandon, I gave you my heart in a way that I've never given anyone before. I let you into places that no one has ever even been close to before, places that I myself didn't know existed. I knew better, I knew that there was always a chance you'd leave me for a man, in fact I even shared that fear with you, your reply? I'd never leave you, you are my first love, the firt person I was mentally attracted to, the first one that means something, for once someone saw me for who I really was, not what I look like or who I hang out with. I said well I happen to find you incredibly sexy, and you said, but see thats just a bonus because looks are changeable, love is...

I can't take back what I gave you, nor am I sure that I can ever give someone as much as I gave you. Now there's someone new, who wants what I gave you and I'm not sure I can give it again...what do I do now?

& I can't breath without you

I don't want to miss you, I don't want to lay awake at night and think about the things that could have been, the way things SHOULD have been, they way you should have treated me.

I realize now that maybe you really were just too young for me, maybe because I was your first "real" girlfriend that you weren't so sure about certain things, that though you really did love me, because of your sexual preference before we dated you just didn't know, or maybe understand.

It hurts me to know that now, now your with him. The thought of what involves for you to sleep together, well it makes me cringe a the fact. We could have still been friends, your right about that, but truthfully, you weren't even really willing to try. I'm sorry I couldn't offer you everything that he could.

For the record? I really did love you, do actually, and you hurt me, badly. I know that you don't care and that you don't want to talk to me, which is fine, now only if I could really let you go...

I don't want to see you or feel you
I don't want to look into your eyes
I don't want to touch you or miss you
I just want to love your memory tonight

I can't handle all this pain
All we ever do is fight anyway
Why we even tried I haven't a clue
With hearts involved there's way too much to loose

I don't want to see you or feel you
I don't want to look into your eyes
I don't want to touch you or miss you
I just want to love your memory tonight

You were something else to look at
Your intentions they weren't' all bad
You tried to make me something I wasn't
Lord knows there aint no future in all that

I don't want to see you or feel you
I don't want to look into your eyes
I don't want to touch you or miss you
I just want to love your memory tonight

Well here we are...

I moved this for reasons that I will not even state. I realize that now I have no readers, but honestly? is that really even important? Some random person one day may come across this and decide that its worth reading, and if no one ever does, then I guess I'm just writing for my own personal reasons. I do have one thing I must say though...

I hope you know, this has nothing to do with you,
its pesonal, my self and I, we've got some straightening out to do,
I've got to move on,
it's time to be a big girl now...and big girls don't cry.