In lue of the holidays...

So in lue of the holidays this year I am going to write a few things that I am thankful for:

Having Brandon in my life again.

My new nephew Jack Thomas

My family and how close we have become in the past year

My job, though frustrating at times.

The experiences I have had in the last year (specifically my time spent with Fran which in a later post I will update you on)

Xia (my cat, who truly is my baby)

Having Dan (even though at times we are shaky)

Baby you don't have to call me

As I sit here, I let myself wonder at what point it will truly ever be enough? At what point will I let go enough and decide that things with him just aren't worth it anymore? When will I decide that I am so much better than this, that I deserve everything that life can give me, and that life can give me so much better than him? I wish that I knew, god do I. She's pushing a wedge between us again and truthfully I have no idea what to even do anymore. I'm scared because honestly I know I am going to lose him its just a matter of time now. I am scared because I do not know what the hell to do anymore.

I am scared that without him I am going to be lost again, that I am not going to know what it is exactly that I need to do. I don't know how to move on, obviously if I did I would have left him a long time ago the first time that this happened.

Why can't I be enough for him? I don't honestly think I am ever going to be enough and I don't know what exactly I am going to do. I just know that I am scared, very very very scared. I am lost in this world and if only I knew what it is that I need to do, then maybe life will make sense again.