So in honor of my blog writing or that so lacking of it lately I have decided to do NaBloPoMo...
It should be interesting if nothing else...30 straight days of posts. Yipee!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
What about now?
Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
But are not saying.
Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?
Change the colors of the sky.
And open up toT
he ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.
For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you.
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?
The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day.
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace.
Shadows fade into the light
.I am by your side,
Where love will find you.
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love, it never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?
Now that we're here,
Now that we've come this far,
Just hold on.
There is nothing to fear,
For I am right beside you.
For all my life,I am yours.
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
But are not saying.
Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?
Change the colors of the sky.
And open up toT
he ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.
For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you.
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?
The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day.
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace.
Shadows fade into the light
.I am by your side,
Where love will find you.
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love, it never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?
Now that we're here,
Now that we've come this far,
Just hold on.
There is nothing to fear,
For I am right beside you.
For all my life,I am yours.
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Friday, October 19, 2007
As long as your here
I woke up last night to my phone vibrating on the night stand next to me. The stupid red light blinking, meaning I have a new text message. It was from Brandon, saying he needed my advice on something...
Now I will vent:
WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM? HE CAN'T JUST WALK IN AND OUT OF MY LIFE AT HIS CONVENICE, IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY! I AM A HUMAN BEING WITH EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS AND EVERYTIME HE DOES THIS IT CRUSHES ME!
Of course my reply was; of course, whats going on. And OF COURSE he needed guy advice, ugh. Its really hard for me to imagine him with a man, especially having sex with another man, in fact we won't even go there.
But of course I miss him, and today that was all I needed to take me there.
Now I will vent:
WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM? HE CAN'T JUST WALK IN AND OUT OF MY LIFE AT HIS CONVENICE, IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY! I AM A HUMAN BEING WITH EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS AND EVERYTIME HE DOES THIS IT CRUSHES ME!
Of course my reply was; of course, whats going on. And OF COURSE he needed guy advice, ugh. Its really hard for me to imagine him with a man, especially having sex with another man, in fact we won't even go there.
But of course I miss him, and today that was all I needed to take me there.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Some more things that wise old man taught me
Forgive yourself your mistakes. You learn from them, and with any luck you’ll have got them out your system when you’re young, and won’t have to bother with a mid-life crisis.
Don’t define yourself through anyone else. Work out what you’re all about, and look for someone to complement you, not to complete you.
Be honest with yourself and others. You don’t have to be flawless and perfect to be loved and appreciated. And there’s nothing wrong with making people work for it it a bit, sometimes.
There’s plenty of time for everything. This is the great mystery of life, and you won’t find it out for a while. You don’t need to pack everything into now, and even if you do, so much of it will be wasted on you until you learn how to really savour it.
He doesn’t think you’re beautiful because he loves you. You are beautiful. But he does love you and that’s OK.
You’re a girl. Appreciate how lucky you are at this time in history. You can do anything and be anything you want to. Go and get the world, and beat it into submission. Or not. Whatever you want.
Know what you want, and know how to get it. Men love that kind of thing.
You have amazing gifts: you are immensely charming, astoundingly articulate and mind-bogglingly manipulative. Use your powers for good, sweetie. Please.
Know who you are. No one else will ever get it right, so don’t depend on them.
Never stop kicking against the pricks, speaking up for what you believe in, and standing up to be counted. Never forget that respect is earned, not given.
Don’t define yourself through anyone else. Work out what you’re all about, and look for someone to complement you, not to complete you.
Be honest with yourself and others. You don’t have to be flawless and perfect to be loved and appreciated. And there’s nothing wrong with making people work for it it a bit, sometimes.
There’s plenty of time for everything. This is the great mystery of life, and you won’t find it out for a while. You don’t need to pack everything into now, and even if you do, so much of it will be wasted on you until you learn how to really savour it.
He doesn’t think you’re beautiful because he loves you. You are beautiful. But he does love you and that’s OK.
You’re a girl. Appreciate how lucky you are at this time in history. You can do anything and be anything you want to. Go and get the world, and beat it into submission. Or not. Whatever you want.
Know what you want, and know how to get it. Men love that kind of thing.
You have amazing gifts: you are immensely charming, astoundingly articulate and mind-bogglingly manipulative. Use your powers for good, sweetie. Please.
Know who you are. No one else will ever get it right, so don’t depend on them.
Never stop kicking against the pricks, speaking up for what you believe in, and standing up to be counted. Never forget that respect is earned, not given.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
When you say nothing at all
Things with Dan and I have been exceptionally good lately, I haven't really thought of Brandon too much lately, let alone miss him. A recap of the other night:
We're currently apartment searching, we finally found the perfect one. In celebration we went furniture shopping, which actually turned out to be fun, he didn't complain once (probably because he knows hes getting that damn 40' HD flat screen).
We stopped by to visit Ann and Larry (my best friends parents) just to hang out and well mostly cause they keep calling cause they miss us. One moment that sticks in my mind is as follows:
Larry (who works 16 hr days 6 days a week) was enjoying his one day off and was drunk. He absolutly loves Dan, looks at me and asks if I'm ok, I assure him I'm just overtired. He looks at Dan and says don't worry baby, I know he'll take care of you. Dan looks me in the eye and says I will take care of her, you don't have to worry Larry. She is my everything.
Soon after we left.
We went to starbucks and our ritual rather than sit inside with the overly hyper high school kids is that we park behind starbucks and talk. This is one of my favorite things, we get to really talk, about whatever.
Halfway through our conversation though I ruined the moment. I had my hand on his thigh and had been slowly inching it toward his crotch. I was getting close...
He leaned in and kissed me, in a way he never had before. I can't really explain what I felt in that kiss, but it was def more than I expected. We made love in his car, yes I said made love. There is a very distinct difference between making love and having sex, and this is the first time we have made love.
Needless to say...it was a good night. It made going to work with only an hr and a half of sleep not so horrible (the 3 hrs nap after work helped too). I'm off tonight...which means I will catch up on my sleep. I hope tonight I'm dreaming of him and not Brandon, because I think finally my heart may be healing.
We're currently apartment searching, we finally found the perfect one. In celebration we went furniture shopping, which actually turned out to be fun, he didn't complain once (probably because he knows hes getting that damn 40' HD flat screen).
We stopped by to visit Ann and Larry (my best friends parents) just to hang out and well mostly cause they keep calling cause they miss us. One moment that sticks in my mind is as follows:
Larry (who works 16 hr days 6 days a week) was enjoying his one day off and was drunk. He absolutly loves Dan, looks at me and asks if I'm ok, I assure him I'm just overtired. He looks at Dan and says don't worry baby, I know he'll take care of you. Dan looks me in the eye and says I will take care of her, you don't have to worry Larry. She is my everything.
Soon after we left.
We went to starbucks and our ritual rather than sit inside with the overly hyper high school kids is that we park behind starbucks and talk. This is one of my favorite things, we get to really talk, about whatever.
Halfway through our conversation though I ruined the moment. I had my hand on his thigh and had been slowly inching it toward his crotch. I was getting close...
He leaned in and kissed me, in a way he never had before. I can't really explain what I felt in that kiss, but it was def more than I expected. We made love in his car, yes I said made love. There is a very distinct difference between making love and having sex, and this is the first time we have made love.
Needless to say...it was a good night. It made going to work with only an hr and a half of sleep not so horrible (the 3 hrs nap after work helped too). I'm off tonight...which means I will catch up on my sleep. I hope tonight I'm dreaming of him and not Brandon, because I think finally my heart may be healing.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Lawn Gnoming
So Perv asked about the silliest thing I've ever done, so I decided to share the BCB (the breakfast condiment bandits) stories with you. Now remember to yourself that this last year has been a very rough one for me, and for me this was my escape.
It started out actually as a mistake, you see graduation night we were extremley drunk and ended up stealing Lawn Gnomes, well we realized that night what a rush it was...
Sitting at Ram's Horn one night, around one am drinking coffee Friend 1 and I were reminiscing about that night. We discussed going out again, decided that we'd do it, I was putting sweet n' low in my coffee and I got an idea. We should leave something in place of the lawn ornaments we had taken.
This is how the BCB formed. that night from Ram's Horn we emptied the creamer bowl, the jelly stand, and the sugar bowl. We got friend 2 and began our adventures.
It led to some really late nights, but I think that in a way that it brought us closer than we had ever been.
The rules are as follows:
1. No gnoming before midnight
2. Never hit up the same neighboorhood more than once
3. No religious figures i.e. no virigin mary's, baby jesus', and no buddha's (you don't fuck with other people's religions)
4. Only one breakfast condiment shall be left in place of the gnome, unless it was over 20 LBS then several condiments could be left.
At one point our apartment was filled with over 50 Lawn Gnomes...including my favorite Billy the light up Flamingo.
It started out actually as a mistake, you see graduation night we were extremley drunk and ended up stealing Lawn Gnomes, well we realized that night what a rush it was...
Sitting at Ram's Horn one night, around one am drinking coffee Friend 1 and I were reminiscing about that night. We discussed going out again, decided that we'd do it, I was putting sweet n' low in my coffee and I got an idea. We should leave something in place of the lawn ornaments we had taken.
This is how the BCB formed. that night from Ram's Horn we emptied the creamer bowl, the jelly stand, and the sugar bowl. We got friend 2 and began our adventures.
It led to some really late nights, but I think that in a way that it brought us closer than we had ever been.
The rules are as follows:
1. No gnoming before midnight
2. Never hit up the same neighboorhood more than once
3. No religious figures i.e. no virigin mary's, baby jesus', and no buddha's (you don't fuck with other people's religions)
4. Only one breakfast condiment shall be left in place of the gnome, unless it was over 20 LBS then several condiments could be left.
At one point our apartment was filled with over 50 Lawn Gnomes...including my favorite Billy the light up Flamingo.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Some Happy Stories
So I debated about what I was going to share, looking back through the last year at my old blog which had to be moved which you can find located here ( http://www.ufoundme416.livejournal.com/)
I decided that I'm going to share with you some dad stories...
My real dad, is a bit of a jerk. We don't spend much time together, which really to me isn't such a big deal, at least not anymore. I left home the week after I turned 18, I moved in with my friend Monica, her dad and her brothers Sam and Brian.
I had been close with Monica's family for a long time and I really enjoyed being with them, they were like no family I had ever met. They were really open with each other, they were allowed to drink (of course there was a no driving rule) we could have sex in the house (as long as you put the monkey on your door knob) and they talked, really shared things.
I became really close with Monica's dad and her brothers (while actually drifting a little away from Monica). They really became family to me.
Autumn (another close friend of mine) and I skipped school one day, we stayed at the house and slept in. We woke up made a starbucks run and returned home. We found cookie dough in the fridge (which turns out was six months past its expiriation date) and soon became quite sick.
Autumn went home, and I lay on the couch with my bucket wishing I was dead. Sammy made me soup (which for Sam is a big deal, he was only 16 at the time and cooking def wasn't his strong point) dad left work early, he picked me up off the couch and took me upstairs, he let me lay in his bed with him and we had a Gilmore Girls marathon, Dad made me Kool-Aid (no one makes Kool-Aid like dad) and I puked all over him.
My real dad, would have been furious, he would have yelled, screamed, and possibly even have told me to leave. but monica's dad didn't. He got up, picked me up, moved me to my bed, changed the sheets and blankets and hopped in the shower. After his shower he came and got me and moved me back to his bed, restarting Gilmore Girls. I slept there that night, with dad and Echo (the dog)
The next day he skipped work and took me to the doctors, then we came home and laid in bed and watched movies. I slept in his bed again.
Now to you this may sound strange, I slept in some old man's bed, that wasn't my own father. But see that's one of the reason that this is one of my favorite memories, because I think this was the true beginning to our family.
Dad, Sam and Brian may be 3,000 miles away now, but they still call everyday. I know I have an open invitation anytime to come "home". I know that when I need them they are there, I know that Monica (my sister) is only 5 miles away. I know that they would do anything for me (more stories later) they've more than proven that.
I may not have my "real" family, but instead I have something better.
I decided that I'm going to share with you some dad stories...
My real dad, is a bit of a jerk. We don't spend much time together, which really to me isn't such a big deal, at least not anymore. I left home the week after I turned 18, I moved in with my friend Monica, her dad and her brothers Sam and Brian.
I had been close with Monica's family for a long time and I really enjoyed being with them, they were like no family I had ever met. They were really open with each other, they were allowed to drink (of course there was a no driving rule) we could have sex in the house (as long as you put the monkey on your door knob) and they talked, really shared things.
I became really close with Monica's dad and her brothers (while actually drifting a little away from Monica). They really became family to me.
Autumn (another close friend of mine) and I skipped school one day, we stayed at the house and slept in. We woke up made a starbucks run and returned home. We found cookie dough in the fridge (which turns out was six months past its expiriation date) and soon became quite sick.
Autumn went home, and I lay on the couch with my bucket wishing I was dead. Sammy made me soup (which for Sam is a big deal, he was only 16 at the time and cooking def wasn't his strong point) dad left work early, he picked me up off the couch and took me upstairs, he let me lay in his bed with him and we had a Gilmore Girls marathon, Dad made me Kool-Aid (no one makes Kool-Aid like dad) and I puked all over him.
My real dad, would have been furious, he would have yelled, screamed, and possibly even have told me to leave. but monica's dad didn't. He got up, picked me up, moved me to my bed, changed the sheets and blankets and hopped in the shower. After his shower he came and got me and moved me back to his bed, restarting Gilmore Girls. I slept there that night, with dad and Echo (the dog)
The next day he skipped work and took me to the doctors, then we came home and laid in bed and watched movies. I slept in his bed again.
Now to you this may sound strange, I slept in some old man's bed, that wasn't my own father. But see that's one of the reason that this is one of my favorite memories, because I think this was the true beginning to our family.
Dad, Sam and Brian may be 3,000 miles away now, but they still call everyday. I know I have an open invitation anytime to come "home". I know that when I need them they are there, I know that Monica (my sister) is only 5 miles away. I know that they would do anything for me (more stories later) they've more than proven that.
I may not have my "real" family, but instead I have something better.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Some things you may not know
This is really a post out of boredom, but who cares really? Listed below you will find somethings you may not know about me.
I an drink an entire fifth of captain's to myself, in less than an hr...which usually leads to a good night.
I've only had one, one night stand... wait scratch that, Will and Kenny make it two
My name is tattooed on Will's chest inside of a heart...too bad he's marrying another woman now
I've been in love
I like sex, a lot, probably more than the average person
A man has never made me orgasm
I masterbate at least twice a day
I wish my dad would come home
In the last year I have been to 14 funerals
If you met me, you wouldn't believe any of these things, let alone that I seriously attempted suicide.
I'm a genuinley happy person, though it may not always seem so due to my posts
I'm falling in love with a man who only wants me for sex
I had sex with a 50 yr old man at age 16...thats a really long story
I'm bored with my life at the moment...anything you guys wanna know? Please just ask, since I'm annonymous on here I don't have a problem sharing anything really.
I an drink an entire fifth of captain's to myself, in less than an hr...which usually leads to a good night.
I've only had one, one night stand... wait scratch that, Will and Kenny make it two
My name is tattooed on Will's chest inside of a heart...too bad he's marrying another woman now
I've been in love
I like sex, a lot, probably more than the average person
A man has never made me orgasm
I masterbate at least twice a day
I wish my dad would come home
In the last year I have been to 14 funerals
If you met me, you wouldn't believe any of these things, let alone that I seriously attempted suicide.
I'm a genuinley happy person, though it may not always seem so due to my posts
I'm falling in love with a man who only wants me for sex
I had sex with a 50 yr old man at age 16...thats a really long story
I'm bored with my life at the moment...anything you guys wanna know? Please just ask, since I'm annonymous on here I don't have a problem sharing anything really.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
The Haunting
Tonight...tonight it haunts me, more than it has in a long time. Sometimes I can't believe how much I miss him, sometimes I can't believe how after so long it can hurt this much, or how the tears can fall so easily, how I can miss his touch, I miss the way his skin feels against mine, his breath against the back of my neck...
Friday, October 5, 2007
Snowballs
had a dream last night:It was snowing, I was walking in it, trying to clear my head. i was standing in a field and across the field I could see you, you reached out for me, but I wouldn't take your hands. You said everything would be ok, not to worry.
You reached your gloved hands out and try to put your arms around me, I let you pull me close and I cried on your chest. You started playing with my hair, and I seemed to realize what was happening, and I pulled away from you. I looked you in the eye, and I don't think I will ever forget how blue they were at that moment, I told you no. A single tear rolled down your cheek and I wiped it away.
I reminded you that you left me, that you walked away, and it seemed as though you realized the gravity of losing me, which now I wonder if you ever will.
i woke up at 1:30 to a tear soaked pillow, I don't know how long I had been crying, Today, the lump rises in my throat as I think of the things that I have to do, because I know you won't. its not really that I want to tell them, but if I don't i don't think that I'll be ok. it's not about pissing you off, not at all. In fact I don't hate you, or resent you, I just miss you. I wish someone could fill up these holes, I really did believe you were the one, in fact I still do, which is probably why I'm havng such a hard time with this.
You reached your gloved hands out and try to put your arms around me, I let you pull me close and I cried on your chest. You started playing with my hair, and I seemed to realize what was happening, and I pulled away from you. I looked you in the eye, and I don't think I will ever forget how blue they were at that moment, I told you no. A single tear rolled down your cheek and I wiped it away.
I reminded you that you left me, that you walked away, and it seemed as though you realized the gravity of losing me, which now I wonder if you ever will.
i woke up at 1:30 to a tear soaked pillow, I don't know how long I had been crying, Today, the lump rises in my throat as I think of the things that I have to do, because I know you won't. its not really that I want to tell them, but if I don't i don't think that I'll be ok. it's not about pissing you off, not at all. In fact I don't hate you, or resent you, I just miss you. I wish someone could fill up these holes, I really did believe you were the one, in fact I still do, which is probably why I'm havng such a hard time with this.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Wait for you
Said girl sits in the car staring out the window, she's with the boys and they're on their way to Chicago for a show. She sits with her head against the window staring at the rain. She tries to hold back the tears but its never been harder, and she wonders why life has to be this way.
She moves away from the window, puts her head on his shoulder and lets him hold her, he's her best friend, and though none of this is his fault she needs him now more than ever. She cries, she cries hard, he holds her tight, and for a single moment she feels safe again.
She moves away from the window, puts her head on his shoulder and lets him hold her, he's her best friend, and though none of this is his fault she needs him now more than ever. She cries, she cries hard, he holds her tight, and for a single moment she feels safe again.
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