You've have been the one

As I lay with him tonight, I lay on his chest and let him hold me. Something that until tonight I had hardly let him do. I let his smell capture me, his rough facial hair caress me, and I let him consume me in a way I had yet to.

I took his kiss for everything it was worth, I moaned as he played with my tongue ring, something he had never done before. I let the warmth of his body warm my own, and I let my heart capture that moment, because in that moment I realized that everything, no matter how screwed up, would be ok.

An Old Man

A wise old man taught me three simple rules about life:

1.) It will always be ok, no matter what it is, no it might not turn out like you wanted or how you planned it, but it will be ok.

2.) Boys will always be assholes, its just about finding the one who's worth putting up with

3.) As long as you have one true friend your doing better than the rest of the world (and as he said, I have at least 5)


A girl sits in the bathroom of her local target store (also her place of work) staring at the test, willing it to change its results, because she knows her life is about to change forever and all because of this stupid stick she peed on

ugh...you've got to be kidding

a 7 day late period? A very queasy feeling girl? I have a feeling I know what this means...and its no good.

Now excuse me while I go rid all of my insides

Take me back there

Sometimes all it takes is the smell of his cologne, a lyric from a song, or like tonight a simple sunset, falling across the lake to take me back.

When it hits, it starts slow, creeping into my heart and eating at it. Then like wildfire, it consumes me.

The memories float gracefully through my mind, only lingering long enough to tease me. It bites and grabs hold taking me back there again.

I let it set in, and I allow myself to remember him, the sweet smell of skin, the warm of his body against mine. I let myself think of what it felt like to make love to him, the way his lips felt against my ears as he whispered into them. The way our lips fit together, the way it felt when he held me, sharing our deepest secrets.

I let it flow through my body, it creates this warm sensation that makes me drowsy, and then the emptiness sets in.

It the biggest sense of a whole that I have heard felt, it truly feels as though something is not right, like there in fact really is a piece of my heart missing, and without him it will never beat regularly again.

Favorite Places

Sometimes, at least on days like today, days when all I want to do is disappear, I go to my favorite place and I watch the sunset. Its probably one of the most calming things in the world to me.

Work lately has been very stressful, and with the holiday season approaching its only going to get worse, much worse. My feet hurt, I am tired, going on hardly any sleep is starting to catch up to me.

I wish Dan would call, though I know that the odds of this happening aren't likely, a girl can wish right?

I wish I could just get along with my family...another unlikely sinario.

SO tonight? its me, the sunset, and movies...tomorrow? sleeping in, at least til 7.

Cold as you

So I guess I've learned my lesson...
I don't think he'll be calling
It's my own fault, I realize that I trusted him, too soon.
I should have known better.
He got what he wanted why would he stay?


Shen you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, ain't no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counting all the scars you made
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

Her better half

The wind blows her hair, she sits in the soggy grass with her knees at her chest. She buries her head in them and lets the tears flow. She tries to take herself back to that moment, the moment when she lost herself in the passion. She tries to recall why she let him, why when she knew this would happen?

Its four days later and he still hasn't called, not since that night, when she let him take her vulnerability and have it. She remembers how good it felt, and wonders what she did wrong. She only gave him what he wanted.

Mmm...

So I thought as contrast I'd know tell you the story of the first time Dan and I slept together:

The sexual tension between us had been building for weeks, there had been many almosts, we had "fooled around" but we had yet to actually do the deed.

At a mutual friends house, we were laying together, cuddling. It was late, the moon shining in through the window being the only light. He rolled over and kissed me, he has a very distinct kiss, and it always draws me in, and I lost myself in it that night. I liked the way he felt against me.

I rolled on top of him, grinding on him as we kisssed, I could feel him harden underneath me. He moaned with pleasure as I kissed his neck, moving my body downward. His hands on my hips slowly went up the back of my shirt, which he quickly removed. I could feel his breath against my breasts.

I discovered new things about his body, about his nipples and his ball sac, the things he liked best. It wasn't making love, not like it was with Brandon, yes it was passion filled but not in the same way.

Still it was good, afterward we lay together for a few short minutes, before we both scrambled to find our cigarettes. I like feeling that close to a person, as I do with him now.

Your kiss

After reading the blogs that I so often read I was inspired; here is the story of the first time I made love with Brandon:

We were in my apartment, it was a Thursday night and we were laying in my bed. I was curled up to him sleeping while he sat on my laptop surfing the web. I woke up, sleep still in my eyes and asked him what time it was. He laughed and told me that Grey's (our favorite show) wasn't on yet, and I laughed at how well he really did know me.

He lay down next to me, he always laid on his stomach, so I curled up next to him and put my arm around him. I played with his hair, I loved his hair. He rolled onto his side and rolled into me, He put his hand on my back and kissed me. I could sense his nervousness, I was the more expereinced one here which gave me great confidence. he slid his hand up my back, hitting the spot on my back which drives me absolutley crazy.

I kissed him harder, and rolled on top of him, I grinded against him as I kissed him. He moaned with pleasure, I took off his shirt, and he switched positions now him on top of me. He took off my shirt and kissed the place between my breasts, and he kissed me again, I moaned with pleasure.

His innocence captivated me, I knew I would be his first, and I knew that he truly loved me. We were naked now, and he was on top, he looked at me and said Cass I have no idea what I'm doing. I smiled at him and said its ok, I rolled him over and put the condom on him. I was on top, we made passionate love. It wasn't sex, it was love.

Afterward we lay together, and in that moment I had never felt closer to anyone.

What now?

What do you do when you've found that one person? The one person who made life make sense, the one who knew me, truly knew every inch of me? What are you supposed to do when they're gone? What am I supposed to do with this hole in my heart? What am I supposed to do when I can't sleep because you haunt me?

Break Down Here

I have good days and bad days, some days I can laugh while others I feel as if though I can barely breath.

Yesterday was a bad day...it left me with tears in my eyes as I tried to fall asleep last night. On days when Dan is not with me, those are my worst days. When I'm with him, I can put Brandon to the back of my mind and just ignore it. Pretend like its not sitting there, eating at my soul like it truly is.

There is a guy at work that reminds me of Brandon, very much of him. From his smell, to his eyes, to his laugh, the way he draws me in sometimes...

I can still hear his voice, calming me, I wish he could still sing to me, I remember the way it made my heart flutter with joy, I don't know if I can give up on us now.

I know I can say we're through, tell myself I'm over you. But even if I made a vow, I promise not to miss you now, even if I try to hide the truth inside. I just can't live a lie.

I can't forget the look that tells me that you want me, or the reasons that make lovin you so easy? The kiss that always makes it hard to breath? Or the way you know just what I mean.

I want my life

Make it stop...make my dreams of him shatter.

I try
To be the woman I am
In times of broken lives
And shattered dreams and plans

Standing up to fight
The pressures and demands
Staring at the knife
And holding in your hand
What used to be your life

This world is crazy
My dreams are fading
I want my life

You fight
Your fucked up holy wars
Fire anti-christJesus will come down
And help us win tonight

Now how should I feelI think I feel alright
So tell me where to aim
I'm blinded by the light

This world is crazy
My dreams are fading
No one can save me
I want my life

And when I wake up you'll be here
And it will be the way it was

Dreams

Though yes, it is only Wednesday, this week has been extraordinarily long. I was off Labor Day :), but between Sunday and Tuesday i have worked DOUBLE the hrs that I was scheduled for this week and still have three days to go.

I got home at 4p.m. last night (I start work at 4am), collapsed on my bed due to exhaustion and fell asleep. I awoke at around 9:15pm startled by my dreams again. They're back...

Brandon and I were still together, things were going exceptionally well between us. We were at his cottage, we were living there. It was an absolutly beautiful place and His grandparents were living about a mile from us, they had come over for dinner. The dinner was nothing spectacular, but his grandparents were grateful that we had invited them over, after dessert they left. Brandon and I were laying on the couch together watching a movie, when he placed his hand on my stomach and asked how I was feeling.

I leaned over and kissed him and told him I was feeling better, that my nausea has subsided for the most part, but that I was very tired and thought about calling it a night. He agreed and we went upstairs together. We made passionate love, much like the night when we made love for the first time. Afterwards I collapsed into his arms, he held me tight and told me that I was his everything, and he sang that song to me...

I awoke with a start, my pillow wet again from the tears. In the darkness I reached for him, though I knew in my heart he wouldn't be there.

I rolled over and reached for my cigarettes, after lighting one I turned on the TV hoping to escape my mind from what I just dreamt, trying to not see more into it. I reached for my phone, debated calling him, but quickly decided against it.

I don't know why I'm dreaming about him again, I truthfully thought that I had moved past that, and am quite curious what triggered my dream last night. I know I thought about him a few times yesterday, maybe thats what caused it? I guess I'll never know. The rest of the night was Brandon free...I slept clear until 2:30 this morning when my alarm went off.

Ugh...

I'm so sick of being this tired, sometimes its overwhelming how my job can seem to take over my life. WIth the insane hrs that I work it doesn't allow much time for sleeping. I try to be in bed by 8p.m. at the absolute latest, so that I can rise at a stifling 2:30a.m. for work. It frustrates both Dan and I the lack of time we get to spend together because of our complete opposite schedules, I work 4 til whenever, while he works noon to 8ish. This makes our time together well yes much appreciated but too scarce or both our tastes. It involves many midnight meeting, much time just happy to be together, even if our eyes are closed and we're sleeping. I wish I could get a job with at least semi-normal business hrs.

Not to mention that the physical exertion of my job sometimes seems to consume me, and there are days that I could just crawl into my bed and sleep forever, too bad I really can't.

6 letter words

When I hear that word, it sent shivers through my spine, it makes my world stop, at the sound of the word my life stops instantly and I panic. It's a 6 letter word that has taken too many from me, its a word that ruins lives.

Reading it, this morning, it brought tears to my eyes. It took me back to the ones that its taken from me, just in the last year. It took me back to Sean, and it brought the lonliness I felt with it. It brought me back his smiling face, it took me back to some of the most wonderful moments of my life.

It brought back remembrance for my grandpa, it made me relive my childhood for just a few short moments.

But it also brought back the pain.

Please don't take Cindy too, she needs her too much...

Cancer.