The smell of coconut is permantly embedded in my pillow

For the record...I HATE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS!!!! at least in my room

and also...I HATE THE SMELL OF COCONUT! DO NOT PUT AIR FRESHNERS IN MY PILLOW CASE

You might not know it

The friday after Thanksgiving is the biggest shopping day of the year. In retail we refer to it as "Black Friday" it is a day that we definetly don't look forward to and that we try to request off months in advance, though very few of us are lucky enough to actually get it off. Not a single employee at my store got it off.

We opened at 6a.m. though when I arrived at 4a.m. that morning the line outside had already started building. By the time we actually opened the line had over 1,000 people in it, I was lucky enough to be one of the people standing just inside the door as people came flying through, running to get to what they wanted.

I worked an extremely long shift with those crazy ass people, who at all times of the day were still running through the store. Our hot items were about before 9a.m. I gave away the last Wii to a lady in tears. A good time was had by all, though they bought us food by the time I actually tore away from Electronics it was ice cold, the salad was warm and there was no pop left, lucky me. Yesterdays truck was ginormous, and this mornings will be the same. and...here's the clencher, I get off at 12:30 and I have to be back there at midnight for double trucks...yippee.

Later I suppose

I promise to write more tonight our sale at work is a 2 day sale so today is black saturday if you will...

Its black friday, I just worked a 14 hr shift and I am exhausted...more in the morning, I promise.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

My hands and knees are bruised

Ugh...thats about how I feel right now. Just ugh!

The silence takes over the room

She calls him, no answer, she thinks its strange but tries not to think about it so much. She hops on the computer, checks her email, her facebook, edits some blog stuff, plays on myspace for awhile. Decides to leave him a cute message on his myspace.

She clicks on his page, as she scrolls down she notices someone new in his number one spot. Someone named Jessie, scrolls down and reads his latest comments, which reads: I had a good time talking to you too last night, I put you in my top friends.

Decides to click on said girls page and reads her boyfriends comment to the girl: You are a sweet girl, I really liked talking to you last night, hope we can do it again soon. Looking forward to this weekend.


Now she's intrigued, she sends said girl a message, tries to call her M.I.A. boyfriend, no answer still hmmmm?


Well unfortunatly the message she recieved back wasn't quite what she hoped for, neither was her pathetic boyfriends excuse to get out of it.

When he tried to flip it around on how she works too much (excuse me, one of us has to, we are having a baby) she gave up. Now she is single, at 19 with a baby on the way.

And she cries, harder than she thought she could have for him, maybe its that she's scared now?Maybe its that just last night they had the please don't hurt me convo?


Yeah it was a great day.

I just love you too (2)

I do love him, but the fact that he has been cheating on me pretty much says enough huh?

I could write a whole lot on here but the wounds are too fresh and I'm not ready to let them bleed right now, so tomorrow? tomorrow I will post and will tell all, that I can promise.

I promised

I promised myself I wouldn't let this bother me anymore, but then again I can't exactly control my dreams. I can't take Brandon out of them, I can't make him go away, at least not in that way.

I fought for sleep last night, with my insane work schedule lately I haven't been getting much sleep, not at all. I was lucky enough to fall asleep before 9 last night which would have given me a good 6 hrs, though if I had only known I would have just stayed awake.

This time it was spring, and it was right after we had gotten married ( we would have gotten married May 3rd 2008 ) and I'm not sure if we were on our honeymoon or where we were but we were in a room I didn't recongnize and it definetly looked like a hotel room.

See as much as Dan is able to make me feel safe, he doesn't touch the way Brandon was able to make me feel. We lay together, I on his chest and he held me. I let the tears fall from my eyes and he didn't even try to wipe them away. He just let them come, and he held me in my most vulnerable state.

I woke up to a very tear stained pillow, it was soaked through and unlike before I was still crying, it took me awhile to calm down, which just scared me more. I felt as though an elephant was sitting on my chest this morning and I couldn't breath.

SO my question: How long will take? before I can really let it all go? before my life can go back to being 100% normal?

Snow

I can smell it in the air today, I can feel the slight chill in the air and freshness of it all. It's coming late this year, but still its coming.

I can feel the ache in my toes, I can hear the songs in my head and I feel the warmth that it brings to me.

Something about this time of year is magical, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but it captivates me. It makes me want to do silly things, things I haven't done since I was a kid (or so I will let you believe) Like make a snowman, make snow angels, going sledding, and the annual snow walk.

See the annual snow walk; well it consists of walking at midnight, with starbucks, and eating doughnuts with almost lover and letting the magic captivate every inch of your body. This year I will be walking alone, that is unless Dan decides he wants to walk with me, or maybe Vanna, we'll see.

I just love you

The more I try to tell myself that I'm not really falling in love with Dan the harder I feel myself start to fall for him. I try to put it in my head that I'm moving too fast, though its been 5 months, god has it really been that long? But the truth? I just love him. This is the song he sang to me on my voicemail the other day :)

Lonely, yeah that's the word
I leave my heart when I leave her
The days go on forever and the nights do too



One evening out on the road
A half a world away from home
I thought she was sleeping
When the call came through

I said, Darling, it's late, is everything ok
Silence took over the room
Til she said



I... I just Love You
I Don't Know Why, I Just Do
When are you coming home
I'm coming home soon
And I just love you too


Lonely lets me be
For a while she sets me free
I close my eyes and I dream of her


She's lost in my arms
Her head on my heart
And softly she whispers the words


I...I just Love You
I Don't Know Why, I Just Do
When are you coming home
I'm coming home soon
And I just love you too


I'll never stop being amazed
How my 4-year old girl knows exactly what to say


I, I just Love You
I Don't Know Why, I Just Do
When are you coming home
I'm coming home soon
Cause I just love you too

Ugh...

I don't want to go back to work today, its payday and I have no desire to go back. I'm still exhausted. I didn't really get much sleep on my day off unfortunatly. I definetly could have used at least 5 more hrs sleep, I didn't even sleep in and then last night I got a mere 3 hrs, ugh. Unfortunatly in the real world they don't care too much about how much sleep I was able to get. They don't even care if I work 60 hrs and 6 days (which currently is what I'm doin) guess really I can't complain though the overtime is really nice.

On to more happier things...

Life is pretty good for the most part, the holiday season is in full swing. Working 6 days and still going strong, today is my one day off :) . So far? Work hasn't been too bad, though I seem to have more patience lately than I would usually have, which may be helping the situation. Once that wears off though, well we'll see how the situation progresses.

Dan I are doing pretty good, nothing too exciting lately. We haven't had sex in about two weeks, no because we're in a rut, just haven't really had the oppurtunity lately. Living at home definetly has its downfalls at times, a lot of times.

I'm still sick, I don't really know what's wrong with me. Instead of getting better I seem to just be getting worse, symptoms progressing and even new ones appearing, strange? I thought so.

Things that make me happy:

Starbucks :) having one in my store is starting to be a costly habit
Sleeping tonight, finally REALLY sleeping more than 4 hrs
Working Midnights, I really don't hate them, they're not so bad
Daniel Patrick, and his little surprises lately
The new Rascal Flatts CD
Finally having the same day off as Vanna so we can see each other
Ihop pumpkin pancakes
Getting hit on at the Olive Garden, I haven't been feeling especially pretty lately
The song "I just love you" by five for fighting, Dan sang it to me the other day
Football season almost being over (I love that he coaches but I'd like to see him too) playoffs almost are finally over
Leaving work at 9am and going to his house and crawling into bed with him
Watching him coach, those kids love him, better yet he loves those kids.

Illinois

The rest of sophomore year passed by slowly, uneventful, and truthfully I was glad to see it come to an end. My plans for the summer were to go to Illinois and work in my grandfather’s office for the summer. It was the first thing that I was excited for in a long time, working in a doctors office? I knew I wanted to be a nurse and what better way to start off my career? Even if I was just a secretary.
I left July 1st and I waited anxiously for the day to come, I just wanted to get out of Livonia for the summer. My time in Illinois was short lived, my first day on the job I not only broke, but shattered my ankle. I had been standing on a chair trying to reach a file, I fell off the chair. At the ER I was so scared I knew something wasn’t right, my ankle had swollen to more than three times its normal size. They told me I would have to have surgery, they were going to put pins in my ankle.
I would spend the night waiting anxiously for my mom to fly in from Michigan, praying that it was all just a dream Doped up on Morphine the time seemed to pass ever so slowly, knowing that the next morning I was going into surgery.
I awoke the next morning very early, long before my surgery was scheduled. Sleeping was nearly impossible due to the amount of pain I was in, so I lay awake hours before my surgery trying to figure out why this was happening. Trying to understand why god has put so much pain into my life. Why he had chosen me to undergo so much in my life.



*My surgert ended up being two different surgeries, leaving me forever with a very large scar and an ankle that doesn't move. I spent almost 2 full yrs in a wheelchair.

Alan

I met some new friends, Alan being on of the funniest people that I have yet to meet. He would follow me around, sit behind me in classes and do things to make me laugh. I think he knew I was the new kid and was just trying to make it a little bit easier on me, I’m sure he knew that being new to Stevenson was pretty unbearable.
We started to develop a friendship, one of the first people that seemed to really want to stick by me. I had put a wall up since Renee and Kaber, I was afraid of getting hurt again. Alan seemed to be able to break that wall down, we started spending more time together, and soon I came to consider him one of my close friends.


In February Alan Wells hung himself in his garage. This for me was the last and final stage of my depression, getting up in the morning was nearly impossible now. My motivation lacked immensely, I didn’t see a point in living anymore. If everyone that I was close to was leaving me, then why was I bothering to stick around?

Renee and Kaber

I would soon meet Renee, who was also new to Stevenson; our hate for the school gave us an instant bond. Saying she was different would be an understatement, her bi-sexuality, drug problem, and bad smoking habit set her aside from most of the kids at Stevenson. She however, was exactly what I was looking for. I needed someone not to judge me, but to just accept me for who I was.
As time went on we seemed to be getting closer and closer, it was exciting, I felt like I was finally connecting with someone. She lived down the street from me, so we were able to see each other quite often. She reminded me of myself, we both had been through similar situations.

She introduced me to Alex Kaber, who I ended up having classes with. Kaber made being at Stevenson just a little bit easier. His humor got me through most days, making me laugh enough to forget how horrible this place was. A few months later I would lose touch with Renee, who was too busy with her drug problem to have a life anymore. Kaber would also follow her, leaving me with just Ian again.

*Kaber died last year from a heroin overdose.

Stevenson

Now thesse are excerpts from something written awhile ago but they are my story and maybe it will help with our exploration of what got me to this point.



It was September, the leaves were orange and red and they were gracefully falling to their final resting place. I watched them as I walked thinking about how September seems to signify a time of change. My stomach was queasy; the walk seemed to go on for miles, when in reality it was just one short block.
I light a cigarette, hoping to alleviate some of the stress. I could see the kids standing there, chatting anxiously about their summers, the vacations they had taken, the late nights, the parties they had been to. They stare at me, like I’m some evil alien invading their planet. I put out my cigarette, look at the ground begging it to suck me in. I stood there silently, hoping that one of them would notice me, even just a “hey! Who are you?” would have been nice, but they didn’t, instead they just continued their conversations.
The bus ride was short, a mere 3 miles, but it seemed to take forever. I sat in an empty seat in the front, hoping really that no one would sit next to me. I had no such luck, a boy who I would later learn is named Bronce, sat down next to me. He tried to make small talk but I mostly ignored him. I hated him for talking to me; I just wanted to endure my misery alone.
Being the new kid is tough, there’s no way around it, but moving from Redford to Livonia, made it even harder. In Redford I had been the equal (a 50% black to a 50% white ratio), now here I was, in the whitest city in America. I had dreaded this day all summer long, I had moved one mile and had to change schools. I didn’t think it was fair, I hated god for doing this to me, I wanted to die, hide under a rock, just anything to not have to do this.
I was told to go to the counseling office when I got to school, they would assign me a “mentor” to help me through my first week at Stevenson. As I walked through the halls, I could feel them staring at me, somehow they knew I was different, they knew I would never conform to their ways, I would never let the drama suck me in.
I hated Stevenson; the people were so different compared to where I had come from. It wasn’t just the way they dressed, or the way they talked, but it was their whole attitude, like they were somehow superior to the rest of the world. They were quick to judge and they were malicious.
I still had Ian though, and in my mind that was enough to get me through anything. We had grown up together, he started off as my best friend from the age of 7 and slowly as the years went on our relationship developed into something much more substantial. We went from best friends to lovers; it wasn’t an overnight change but something that happened gradually. The more time we spent together the closer we seemed to become.
He had gone to Churchill, a school in the same district as Stevenson, and though he was three years older than me, it never felt it. I would come home from school and he would hold me as I cried for hours, comforting me, encouraging me, and most of all loving me. At times he was all I needed, all I was living for, days we spent apart were few and agonizing.
He was my first love, the one that I didn’t know how to live without. Anything and everything I did was about him or for him, even if not directly connected.
My mentor’s name was Amanda, and without out her I don’t think I would have made it through my first few months at Stevenson. Her job was to make sure I got to all of my classes the first week of school, show me around, help me make some friends, maybe eat lunch with me. We had one class together; Choir. She soon become a friend, she wasn’t like the rest of the kids at Stevenson.
We went to concerts together, hung out on weekends, had girls night and painted our toenails. She took me under her wing and helped me learn how to fly on my own at Stevenson.
Second semester she dropped Choir, we slowly started to drift apart. We no longer had anything in common, we no longer had a class together, she had a different lunch period. I was slowly slipping into a depression again. I remember going home to Ian, crying telling him I didn’t know how I was ever going to make it. My life seemed so worthless at this point, I was losing my grip on reality, I was so overwhelmed.



*A side note, Bronce and I later became very close friends, though it was almost 3 yrs later.

I declare a toast

~To late night phone calls, specifically 3 am

~To dancing in the middle of the night outside blaring "Dancing in the Moonlight"

~To eating ice cream right out of the container~

To that feeling that only looking into your puppies eyes you can see~

To that feeling you get when you hear a song that brings back those deep down hard to reach memories

~To falling asleep with no worries underneath a big fluffy soft comforter

~To those moments of clarity in life that keep you moving on

Nothin good about goodbye

It was November now, and I still vividly remember this dream; Ian was lost somehow and I could hear him calling, but no matter how hard I looked I couldn’t find him. The next day we were supposed to meet, he never showed up. I called him, his phone had been turned off, I went to his house, his parents having no idea where he was. Just like that he was gone, no calls, no letters, no nothing, he was just gone.
For three months I cried myself to sleep every night. I didn’t know how to go on without him; he had become so much a part of me that the thought of living without him in my life made it unbearable. I slowly slipped into depression, not knowing how to live my life without the one thing that I had loved. I lost trust in people, along with faith, I had made up my mind that I couldn’t trust anyone anymore, I was too afraid of being hurt again.

*Ian was in prision, which will be explained at a later date.

Freshman Year

I lay on the floor, wishing for the room to stop spinning. I lay wondering if maybe this is the one time that I did too much, the one time that I took it too far. I tried to think back, tried to remember exactly how many pills I had taken, and what exactly I had taken. I wondered if smoking pot on top of taking the pills is what made me feel so sick, or if maybe it was the coke, or even quite possibly the alcohol?
I could feel my heart racing in my chest, wondering if it was really possible for my chest to explode. I wondered if getting high could really kill me. I tried to reach for the garbage can, I knew what was coming; I could taste its sweet saltiness in my mouth. I stretch out my arm as far as I can, wondering where it could possibly be; maybe someone else was using it.
I try to roll over on my side, I know the risk of lying on my back, and I could die from choking on my own vomit. I try to call for help; my mouth can’t seem to remember how to form words. My mind is racing frantically as I try to will myself to roll over.
Eventually I give up, accepting my fate. I know that I am going to die, lying here on this floor, where am I again? I can’t remember where I am, or even who is here with me, I wonder if maybe I’m alone. I must be alone; if someone else were here they would have come to help me by now.



The sun is shining brightly through the window; I try to open my eyes, but the light makes them burn. I look around trying to figure out where I am. I don’t recognize anything, I don’t remember much from the night before. I’m in someone’s bed and there is a guy lying next to me. I will my mind to try and just remember what happened; I just draw a blank.
I look around to see if anyone else is here, there’s no one in the room with us. Realizing that I have to pee, I go in search for the bathroom. Walking down the hallway I realize that I have never been here before, or if I have I simply can’t remember it.
There are people lying on the floor in the living room, a few on the couch, and one on the kitchen table. I try to think back to what exactly we did last night, but I can’t seem to remember anything at all. Finally finding the bathroom, I realize that there is someone asleep in the bathtub, and someone on the floor. Stepping over the person on the floor, I shut the shower curtain and go to the bathroom.
I look around, trying to find someone I know. I finally find Tina, who is sleeping on the kitchen floor. I nudge her, trying to wake her. She stares at me confused about what’s going on. I get her a glass of water and she sits up. “What happened last night?” I ask. She looks at me confusingly, “I don’t really remember Cass”.
“Do you know where we are?” I ask her frantically, “The only thing I remember is doing a line with you at your house before we even left”, I vaguely remember back to yesterday, we had done a line of coke in my basement and Ian had called and said he was going to pick us up. “You don’t remember anything after that?” “I remember going to Piercy’s to make a deal, but other than that I don’t know anything”.
“We need to find Ian, do you think he’s still here?” she asks, “I haven’t seen him, but there’s a ton of people here”. I help Tina get up off the floor; wondering how she ended up there. I know that really it doesn’t matter, I’m the one that woke up in bed with some strange guy. I pray that I wasn’t stupid enough to do anything with him, if Ian found out; he would kill him.
We walk down the hall, I want to show Tina the strange guy, we walk quietly into the bedroom. “Do you know who he is?” I whisper to Tina, she nods her head. “I think his name is Jon, he was a friend of Ian’s a long time ago”. I wonder why she said was, but too confused to think, we continue on our search for Ian.
Searching the bedrooms, the kitchen and living room we eventually find Ian passed out on the basement floor. I lay down next to him and put my arms around him, it was the first night we had spent apart in months. He opens his eyes and smiles at me, “I couldn’t find you last night, I looked all over for you”, “I feel asleep in one of the bedrooms on the floor” I reply. He rolls over on his side and kisses me.
“Are you ready to go?” he asks me gently, “Please, I just want to get out of here” I hear myself say. We drop Tina off at home, and go back to Ian’s to get some real sleep. “Do you remember what happened last night?” I ask him, knowing that he always remembers. He rolls over and looks in my eyes, “You don’t remember?” he asks me, “I don’t remember anything after leaving Piercy’s last night”.
“We called Corey and he told us Diamond’s having a party and we went over there”, confused I reply “we weren’t at Diamond’s house this morning though”. “We went to Diamond’s did a few lines, drank a little and then we headed over to Corey’s girlfriend’s house”. I realized then that was why I didn’t realize where we were this morning, Corey has a new girlfriend every other week, I obviously I hadn’t met this one.
“I hate not being able to remember things, it always scares me”, Ian cuddles up to me and holds me close. “Everything is fine baby, I would never let anything happen to you, you know that right?”, I wanted to believe him, but I knew last night had been a prime example of why I was scared. “I know you wouldn’t” I hear myself say, trying to disguise my doubt. “Are you ok?” he asks, “yeah just really really tired”.
I wake up a few hours later and glance at the clock, realizing that its 2 in the afternoon I wonder how long we’ve been sleeping. I know his mom will be home soon, which means that she will wonder where we were last night, and I knew I didn’t want to be the one explaining it to her.
I nudge Ian, “it’s almost 2, your mom will be home soon.” He moans something about 10 more minutes, and I nudge him harder. “What’s wrong baby?” he asks me as I start yelling at him, “nothing” I reply. “All morning you’ve been actin’ really weird, what’s goin’ on with you? Did you start or something?” Now annoyed with him, I roll over and face the wall, I know he knows there’s something up and I know my eyes will give me away.
Judas lives in my eyes, I swear to it. They’re traitors, they give me away, always, there’s no hiding. I’ve tried for years to be able to consume the power in them, to learn how to control they’re magical essence, but I can’t. One look at them and you will, you will know everything, they truly are the windows to my soul.
“Your mom’s gonna be home soon” I remind him, “she’s gonna wanna know where we were last night”. “I’m gonna tell her we stayed at Diamond’s” he answers. He cuddles up close to me, rubs my back, I know what he wants. “I’m gonna go take a shower before your mom gets home” I tell him, “Ok, I’ll come with you” knowing that he knows me all to well, refusing the invitation would set off a panic alarm in his head.
I grab two towels from the closet, start the water in the shower. Ian puts his arms around me, kissing the back of my neck. He slides his hands up my stomach and to my breasts, he turns me around. Now he’s kissing me, hard, He unsnaps my bra, takes off my shirt, I assist him in removing his clothes.
We move into the shower, the hot water feels soothing on my tired body. He’s kissing my breast now, moving his hand downward, now he’s kissing me again, his hands in secret places. We finish our shower, wrap ourselves in towels and move into the bedroom. He’s laying on top me now, I can feel his hardness against my thigh. “Make love to me” he whispers in my ear, I kiss him.
He slides his hardness inside of me, he moans with pleasure. He’s sliding in and out, gaining momentum. I know any moment it will be over, I try to enjoy it, not let my mind wonder back to the night before. He moans deeply, and its over.
I roll over on my side, lay under the covers. I close my eyes, let my mind wander back to the night before a little, if only I could remember what happened. My conscious is eating away at me, I have to know. I weigh the consequences in my mind, I know that if I tell him he’ll be upset, and I don’t want to hurt him. I hear the front door open.
I wrap myself tighter in the blanket and close my eyes, I know he’s going to lie to her and she’ll know if she looks at me. There’s a knock at the bedroom door, “you guys decent?” I hear her ask, “c’mon in Ma” I hear him reply. “Cass is still asleep? That’s not like her”, she knows I never sleep. “We were up really late last night” I hear Ian mumble, “Where were you last night?” “We just crashed at Diamonds, we drank a little” I hear him lie to her. “Well then I’m glad you stayed, you know how I feel about you drinking and driving”. She wasn’t lying, we’d had the lecture at least 5 different times.
I hear Ian’s lighter, and I know they’re sitting and smoking together. I roll over, pull the blanket against my breasts and open my eyes. “Well good morning” she says to me, I smile at her and ask her how work was. She goes on about some guy looking for some plant, and I tune her out. Ian lights a cigarette and hands it to me, he knows that his mom can talk forever. She asks me if I’m ok, says I seem a little bit distant, I remind her that we drank the night before and that I was just tired.
I know she see’s right through me, I know she can tell I’m lying and I prepare myself for the questions she’ll ask me later when we’re alone. I know that I could tell her anything, that she won’t judge me, or tell Ian, but that she’ll listen and try to understand. She was always like that though, she my mother was how, how we were barely even on a talking basis. She tried her best to do what she could to help me.
I wait for him to fall back asleep, uncovering myself I realize how cold it is. Hurriedly I find sweat pants and a hoodie, then go on a scavenger hunt for socks. I tiptoe around the bed and sneak out the door. I grab my cigarettes from my pocket and light one as I walk to the kitchen, I look around for Debbie. She’s in the kitchen, at the counter, where she always is.
“Hey girlie” she says to me, I smile at her sheepishly, and try not to look her in the eye. “What happened last night Cass?” she says as she looks at me avoiding her eye contact. “I don’t know mom, I don’t know what to do” and I can feel the sting in my eyes as the tears start to roll down my cheeks. “I woke up this morning and I was laying in someone else’s bed , with some guy I don’t know”. She looks at me across the counter and I can tell she’s trying to find the right words to say. She knows how sensitive I am, that the smallest thing can send me over the edge and I’ll start bawling.
“Well did you try and talk to him?” she finally asks me, “no, we left before he was awake” I tell her. “Are you going to tell Ian?” she asks, “You know how he is mom, you know how bad that would hurt him”, “He loves you Cass, he really loves you and your right it would hurt him, but don’t you think he should know?”, “What am I going to do mom? If I tell him it will crush him, but at the same time if I don’t what if he finds from someone else? The worst part is that I don’t even know what happened”.
I help Debbie make dinner, we stand at the counter and cut up cucumbers together. We talk about stupid things, about how cold it is, how its only August and its only 60 degrees outside. I’ve never been part of a family until Ian and I started dating, his family welcomed me with open arms, and had never turned their backs on me in any situation.
I left Debbie in the kitchen, and slowly opened the bedroom door, I crawled into bed next to Ian and wrapped my arms around him.

Get Ready...

Tomorrow will start a new adventure for us

Desperation

Writing this it may be the hardest post I've ever written, it may be the hardest part of my past to uncover with you, and it may scare you the way, well the way it still terrifies me.

I was three, it was recently after my parents had divorced. It started so young, I was at his house for the weekend.

The rage between him and my mother was so thick you could taste it in the air. I knew when he picked me up that Friday, I knew that it would be a long weekend. I knew that something was going to happen, though I could have never thought it to be something that still haunts me.

They say that since it happened so young that my memory shouldn't be so vivid about it, if they only knew.

We had just finished painting my new bedroom, my dad laid on the bed, exhausted from his day, I lay next to him feeling safe in his arms. He looked at me and smiled, I felt the knot in my stomach knowing that something was wrong. Call it a childs intuiton if you will.

I felt his hand on my thigh, I tried to ignore it. I felt it creeping up and I felt it go inside my pants. I hear him saying "it'll be ok Cass, but you can't tell anyone, this is our little secret". I remember the sterness in his voice, how serious he was.

I won't tell you the details, because I don't think that anyone really wants to hear them. I went home and I told my mother, and I still remember her tears, the way she cried. I remember the exam from the doctor, and I remember my grandfather's eyes, the deepest look of sadness in them.

Few have I shared this with, though recently I did share it with Dan, who was more than supportive.

Inspirational thoughts

So I got inspired by Perv

Places I've had sex:

My dad's house
My aunt's house
Dan's Car
Brian's Car
My apartment
Brandon's parents house
Dad's House
My uncle's apartment
The bathroom at the library
In Alisha's grandma's house
Chelsea's parents house
Chris' House in the basement on the pool table
Dan's House
Ian's parents House
Ian's Car
My parents apartment
Our old house in R.E.D.

I think thats it...I'll add more as I remember them

Not today

Ugh...not today

Safest Place to Hide

When Pancho asked about my wants, my desires it sent me thinking, and honestly since I haven't stopped, this post will be long but I won't apologize. Its a hard one for me to write.

I think that humans crave just a few simple things; Food, sleep, love and other human contact. Obviously I am completly fine fufilling the first two on my own. I can both feed myeslf and fall asleep.

When I talk about love I'm not talking about puppy dog love, I'm talking about deep emotional unconditional love. The kind where you are deeply connected to someone. This kind of love breaks through the barriers, and leaves you connected to a person in a way that you yourself never really felt posssible.

I want to be someone's everything, I want to be the firs thing on his mind when he wakes up, the last thing on his mind when he goes to bed and everything else in between. I don't want him to think, but to know that I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, both inside and out. I want him to know when something's wrong and he's in 2,000 miles away just because he can feel it.

I want to be able to get lost in his eyes, in his arms and in his heart. I want to feel safe when he holds me, I want to be his world. I want to come before his friends, though its still important that he keeps friends, I want him to come home after a night with the boys and say "baby I'm just glad to be home" I want his love to be enough, to be enough to satisfy that ultimate place in my heart, it must be someone who can be my better half.

I want someone who can compliment me, not take away what I have to offer the world. When he looks at me, I want him to feel like he's the lucky one. I want him to think that his search is over, because no one can ever be as amazing as me. I want him to make passionate love to me, not just have sex, I want there to be that soul-connection, I want to feel ultimatley close to him while we make love, to feel the ultimate connection.

I want him to look into my eyes every night and think about how beautiful I am. I want him want to change absolutley nothing about me, because I am as perfect as he wants. I want him to be sensitive enough to understand my needs as a woman, but also to have a masculine side to him, a protective side.

When we're 50, I want him to still look at me and think the things he thought when we were twenty. I want him to think that age has only improved me. I want him to think that I've only made his life better and to have no regrets. I want him to be more in love with me than he's ever been.

I think because of my past with my father (I will post about this at a later date) my whole life I have felt threatened by men, until I met Brandon. You may think the above doesn't exist, but have experienced it myself I would have to tell you that your wrong, because I know it does. I have felt it, and when losing it, it creates the biggest hole, the deepest emptiness you could ever imagine feeling.

I want him to be my safest place to hide.

Please don't take my heart away

I'm going to share something with you today that I've never shared with anyone, something that I'm only sharing because well this for me is annonymous.

I've mentioned her before, but because its only fair to her I will not mention her name in this post. I will let her go unamed, we will call her "Almost Lover".

She was my best friend for almost 3 yrs, she knew everything about me, and she accepted me for everything that I was. I knew in my heart that I had developed feelings for her, but I ignored them, I ignored them with everything I can.

While nothing ever really happened with us, besides quite a few showers together, some baths and cuddling at night while we sleep (nothing sexual ever happened during any of those). I sometimes willed it to, and sometimes while intoxicated we discussed it happening.

We work together now, but we hardly speak. We've grown too far apart now, but today after a brief conversation with her at work I remembered what it was like to feel her touch again, and it made me remember.

The Wrath of the Yellow Lighter

I started smoking when I was 12, so I have much experiance in the "things you should never do while smoking" routine. They include things such as never spray something flammable while smoking, never light your cigarette inside your shirt (i've lit my hair on fire quite a few times doing this) and never NEVER carry a yellow lighter.

I'm not big on superstitions, in fact I'll be the first to tel you that your crazy for believing that walking under a ladder or breaking a mirror will bring you bad luck. The yellow lighter however is something I am an avid believer of. I unfortunatly have had very bad luck with yellow lighters.

The night they put my mom on life support I was carrying one, the day Joslynn died, also the day Sean found out he had cancer, the list goes on. When I noticed my aunt carrying a yellow lighter a few weeks ago, I kindly tried to warn her.

She laughed at me, told me I was crazy. Its been almost a month since she's been carrying it and has for the most part avoided its wrath, until yesterday that it. My aunt recently bought a new car, she was driving to my aunt's who lives about an hr away. On her way there she was rear ended, her brand new car totaled.

She threw the lighter away this morning.

Z-racks, Trucks, Darren, and a bloody nose

I was at work this morning, and while I was working I was thinking about the fact that I never really blog about work. Considering that unfortunatly its such a big part of my life...it suprised me.

I work in retail, and now that we're in 4th quarter and we're actually in the holiday season things are very crazy at work. Our trucks are getting bigger every day and unfortunatly our employee base has stayed about the same.

I work on the Logistics/Flow team basically meaning that I unload the truck in the morning and push the stuff to the floor, and put it out. Below you will find some retail terminology to help you better understand this post.

I got to work this morning, my ETL was late, so I had to stand outside in the cold. Then the truck was bigger than expected, the other softlines girl called off, and since losing chatty kathy due to her sticky fingers we've been very short handed.

I got the Z-Racks and finished settting up softlines only to find that I had no help whatsoever. While unloading a pallet I cut the hell out of my hand, bleed all over my khaki pants, and Darren (my boss) bitched at me for it.

Finally around 9am (even though I was scheduled to leave at 8) they finally sent me some help, at 9:30am my nose started gushing blood. Got bitched at again...but we finished by ten at least. Now I'm home and I think I need a nap, thank god for being off tonight.

Retail Terminology:

ETL: Executive team leader
Z-Rack:a movable clothing rack
Softlines: anything on carpet in a store, in my store it includes Womans, Mens, Girls, Boys, Infants, Baby, Jewelery, Lingere, Hosiery, Sleepwear and shoes *yeah only one person for ALL that*
Push:Stocking

Don't make me let you go

So as I lay awake last night thinking about the last week or so, thinking about how weird life has been lately I think I may have come to a realization, which follows below;

For awhile, at least at first I stayed with Dan for what I thought was the sex, because I needed human contact, I needed touch. Now I realize differently, its not the sex, its in that moment afterward. The distinct moment in which I feel absolutley safe, that nothing can touch me, that it really all will be ok.

Recently (about the last 2 weeks) life has been really rocky, there have been some rough patches, speed bumps in my path. Dan being my main comfort, I think I'm letting myself fall for him, and I don't even really know that if in my life I'm ready for love, at least not yet.

Is it too soon since Brandon? Is my heart ready for this? I'm not sure, because my wounds still really haven't healed. Only time will tell.

Run away this time without you...

So a recent letter to Dan goes as follows:

I tried to call you, but I'm pretty sure that your sleeping, which is what I too would be doing if I didn't have to go to work. I'm sorry if you feel like I'm avoiding you, I'm not. I know you think you understand how I feel, but you do really?

Dan this has been so hard for me, within the last 3 weeks I've lost two of the most important people in my life. Though things with Brandon hadn't been good lately, his death hurt me more than I could have ever imagined it would.

In being upset I think that I keep trying to push you away because I'm scared, but unlike I thought your pushing back. I don't want to doubt us, but it scares me to get close to you, to let you in. I feel like because I'm vulnerable if I let you in it gives you the chance to hurt me, something that right now I'm not sure I could handle if it happened.

If you want in, then I will let you, but please make sure its what you want first. Please don't hurt me. We didn't get to really "date" before I was pregnant, and though this was an accident maybe its a blessing in disguise. Please make sure this is truly what you want, to be with me. If you decide it is, then I will stop pushing and I will let you, but know that I do nothing half heartedly, I will give it everything I have.Maybe your not ready for that? well you have to be the one to decide.

Moving to Chicago together is a huge step, please make sure your really ready. I know it all seems appealing, the money we have, the house, working for my grandpa, but please make sure its what you want. If you call later, I'll answer for you, but please only call if you want this, because to me your phone call will mean your ready.

Grace

i'm falling in love with him and the harder I seem to fall, the farther it feels like he pulls away. Why?

The harder I fall the more Brandon tries to break those barriers again...Why?

I thought you'd want the same

So in lue of writing, I decided to write about something important.

Dan. (see photo on left)

See I still think he's too good for me, he could do much better than me, but still its me he wants.

and still I'm not really too sure why. I'm falling in love with him though and that scares me terribly. but he's exactly whats making me happy in my life right now.