Please don't take my heart away

I'm going to share something with you today that I've never shared with anyone, something that I'm only sharing because well this for me is annonymous.

I've mentioned her before, but because its only fair to her I will not mention her name in this post. I will let her go unamed, we will call her "Almost Lover".

She was my best friend for almost 3 yrs, she knew everything about me, and she accepted me for everything that I was. I knew in my heart that I had developed feelings for her, but I ignored them, I ignored them with everything I can.

While nothing ever really happened with us, besides quite a few showers together, some baths and cuddling at night while we sleep (nothing sexual ever happened during any of those). I sometimes willed it to, and sometimes while intoxicated we discussed it happening.

We work together now, but we hardly speak. We've grown too far apart now, but today after a brief conversation with her at work I remembered what it was like to feel her touch again, and it made me remember.

The Wrath of the Yellow Lighter

I started smoking when I was 12, so I have much experiance in the "things you should never do while smoking" routine. They include things such as never spray something flammable while smoking, never light your cigarette inside your shirt (i've lit my hair on fire quite a few times doing this) and never NEVER carry a yellow lighter.

I'm not big on superstitions, in fact I'll be the first to tel you that your crazy for believing that walking under a ladder or breaking a mirror will bring you bad luck. The yellow lighter however is something I am an avid believer of. I unfortunatly have had very bad luck with yellow lighters.

The night they put my mom on life support I was carrying one, the day Joslynn died, also the day Sean found out he had cancer, the list goes on. When I noticed my aunt carrying a yellow lighter a few weeks ago, I kindly tried to warn her.

She laughed at me, told me I was crazy. Its been almost a month since she's been carrying it and has for the most part avoided its wrath, until yesterday that it. My aunt recently bought a new car, she was driving to my aunt's who lives about an hr away. On her way there she was rear ended, her brand new car totaled.

She threw the lighter away this morning.

Z-racks, Trucks, Darren, and a bloody nose

I was at work this morning, and while I was working I was thinking about the fact that I never really blog about work. Considering that unfortunatly its such a big part of my life...it suprised me.

I work in retail, and now that we're in 4th quarter and we're actually in the holiday season things are very crazy at work. Our trucks are getting bigger every day and unfortunatly our employee base has stayed about the same.

I work on the Logistics/Flow team basically meaning that I unload the truck in the morning and push the stuff to the floor, and put it out. Below you will find some retail terminology to help you better understand this post.

I got to work this morning, my ETL was late, so I had to stand outside in the cold. Then the truck was bigger than expected, the other softlines girl called off, and since losing chatty kathy due to her sticky fingers we've been very short handed.

I got the Z-Racks and finished settting up softlines only to find that I had no help whatsoever. While unloading a pallet I cut the hell out of my hand, bleed all over my khaki pants, and Darren (my boss) bitched at me for it.

Finally around 9am (even though I was scheduled to leave at 8) they finally sent me some help, at 9:30am my nose started gushing blood. Got bitched at again...but we finished by ten at least. Now I'm home and I think I need a nap, thank god for being off tonight.

Retail Terminology:

ETL: Executive team leader
Z-Rack:a movable clothing rack
Softlines: anything on carpet in a store, in my store it includes Womans, Mens, Girls, Boys, Infants, Baby, Jewelery, Lingere, Hosiery, Sleepwear and shoes *yeah only one person for ALL that*
Push:Stocking

Don't make me let you go

So as I lay awake last night thinking about the last week or so, thinking about how weird life has been lately I think I may have come to a realization, which follows below;

For awhile, at least at first I stayed with Dan for what I thought was the sex, because I needed human contact, I needed touch. Now I realize differently, its not the sex, its in that moment afterward. The distinct moment in which I feel absolutley safe, that nothing can touch me, that it really all will be ok.

Recently (about the last 2 weeks) life has been really rocky, there have been some rough patches, speed bumps in my path. Dan being my main comfort, I think I'm letting myself fall for him, and I don't even really know that if in my life I'm ready for love, at least not yet.

Is it too soon since Brandon? Is my heart ready for this? I'm not sure, because my wounds still really haven't healed. Only time will tell.

Run away this time without you...

So a recent letter to Dan goes as follows:

I tried to call you, but I'm pretty sure that your sleeping, which is what I too would be doing if I didn't have to go to work. I'm sorry if you feel like I'm avoiding you, I'm not. I know you think you understand how I feel, but you do really?

Dan this has been so hard for me, within the last 3 weeks I've lost two of the most important people in my life. Though things with Brandon hadn't been good lately, his death hurt me more than I could have ever imagined it would.

In being upset I think that I keep trying to push you away because I'm scared, but unlike I thought your pushing back. I don't want to doubt us, but it scares me to get close to you, to let you in. I feel like because I'm vulnerable if I let you in it gives you the chance to hurt me, something that right now I'm not sure I could handle if it happened.

If you want in, then I will let you, but please make sure its what you want first. Please don't hurt me. We didn't get to really "date" before I was pregnant, and though this was an accident maybe its a blessing in disguise. Please make sure this is truly what you want, to be with me. If you decide it is, then I will stop pushing and I will let you, but know that I do nothing half heartedly, I will give it everything I have.Maybe your not ready for that? well you have to be the one to decide.

Moving to Chicago together is a huge step, please make sure your really ready. I know it all seems appealing, the money we have, the house, working for my grandpa, but please make sure its what you want. If you call later, I'll answer for you, but please only call if you want this, because to me your phone call will mean your ready.

Grace

i'm falling in love with him and the harder I seem to fall, the farther it feels like he pulls away. Why?

The harder I fall the more Brandon tries to break those barriers again...Why?

I thought you'd want the same

So in lue of writing, I decided to write about something important.

Dan. (see photo on left)

See I still think he's too good for me, he could do much better than me, but still its me he wants.

and still I'm not really too sure why. I'm falling in love with him though and that scares me terribly. but he's exactly whats making me happy in my life right now.